Queue Total

284 MOVIES (released titles only)

Note: Real spoilers are in black text on a black background. Highlight the black areas to read the spoilers.

Queue Numbers

#50- Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown

#100- Black Swan

#200- Mysteries of Lisbon

Last- Once Upon a Time in Anatolia

Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Next Three Days

The Next Three Days (2010)

Writer: Paul Haggis (screenplay), Fred Cavaye & Guillame Lemans (franch screenplay?)
Director: Paul Haggis
Starring: Russell "man the sails!" Crowe, Elizabeth Banks, and old man Brian Dennehy

a guy's wife is arrested and sentenced to life for murdering her boss. russell crowe loves her so much and is convinced she is innocent. when the justice system fails and all avenues have been pursued and lost, he plans to break her out. does he have the balls to do it?

The Woman
man. i can't work this one out. i know i didn't like it and here's why: they did a good job humanizing the situation. the horror of being ripped from your husband and toddler with no warning for something you didn't do. the agony of watching your son grow distant and angry towards you. horrible. but the plot was kind of boring for an hour and forty minutes of the two hour movie. it's mostly russell crowe just researching and testing things out and educating himself on how to successfully break someone out of jail. it was a weird mix of a dramatic character piece and action movie and i don't think it was successful in it's mixture. i have issue with the ending as well. i was upset at both types of endings. when it looks like they will successfully get away i felt gypped (is that an offensive term to use?) because throughout the whole movie russell crowe just fucks up every endeavor he undertakes. so why would he be successful in the big one? but then when it looks like they're going to get caught i was upset too because deep down you want them to live happily ever after with the crap hand they have been dealt for the last three years.

it's irritating to me that the way i feel about this is an enigma. i don't want to put this much thought into a movie i ultimately disliked. especially a russell crowe movie. maybe that says something in itself?

Monday, October 17, 2011

The Princess of Montpensier

The Princess of Montpensier (2010)

Writer: Jean Cosmos, Madame de La Fayette, Francois-Olivier Rousseau, Bertrand Tavernier
Director: Bertrand Tavernier
Starring: Melanie Thierry, Lambert Wilson, Gregoire Leprince-Ringuet, Raphael Personnaz

during the catholic vs. huguenot war a chick with a title marries a guy with a title (a cousin) even though she loves her other cousin. everyone falls in love with her because she is soooo beautiful and jealousy consumes her husband who is barely ever around because he's too busy being sent here there and everywhere to kill protestants.

The Woman
this was interesting and yet not. i kept comparing this to "queen margot" (a much better film) only because it took place at the exact same time and included some of the same historical people. it was very pretty to watch with all the rich fabrics and decor, but i was not too impressed by it on a whole. yet another historical romance love pentagon movie. i've seen it before, and i've seen it done better.

 i could see how this is critically good, but it just didn't touch my soul.

Taking Woodstock

Taking Woodstock (2009)
Written by James Schamus, Elliot Tiber (book), Tom Monte (book)
Directed by Ang Lee, and don't you forget it!
Starring Demetri Martin, Imelda Staunton, Henry Goodman, Eugene Levy's eyebrows, special appearance by Liev Schreiber's face

A kid's family's Catskills "resort" is in danger of foreclosure.  The Woodstock festival is in danger of not happening.  Connections are made.

Every single milestone that you would think is in this movie is in this movie.

 The Wooman
truly shme shme shme. this thing ran about an hour too long, which tipped it into the annoying category. the whole thing leading up to woodstock was mildly interesting, but then it seemed like storylines were dropped and new ones were introduced halfway through. eh. i don't care enough to write anymore. check. off the queue. onto the next one.

We've written about 300 of these things, and I don't feel like repeating myself.  I could give you a hundred words or so which would start with, "I used to like Ang Lee..." but why should I bother?  I could give you another couple hundred jumping from, "Everything was fine..." but you've heard it all before.  I could talk about standout performances in a sea of mediocrity, but I've done that bit, too. I could talk about a plot which was telegraphed from kettle drums which are 500 feet in diameter; but I'll save that for a movie which generates in me one iota of real passion.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Spring, Summer, Winter, Fall, and Spring

Spring, Summer, Winter, Fall, and Spring (2003)

Writer: Ki-duk Kim
Director: Ki-duk Kim
Starring: Ki-duk Kim, Yeong-su Oh

a monk in a temple in the middle of a river trains a child monk. the kid is a really bad buddhist. vagina leads him astray. things go wrong, and then the circle of life.

Oh, my beautiful, beautiful curmudgeon.  Would you have worn such a wry expression on your face for the duration of this movie had you watched it eleven years ago?

I did find this film to be beautiful.  It was a "circle of life" movie, but it came from a place of which I didn't know very much and which I found to be fascinating.  There was some imagery which I may or may not have understood. Was Old Monk reincarnated as the snake? If so, was that a reward for his attempt or a punishment for his failure?  Were the scenes at the end flashbacks or something deeper? 

This was a quiet movie, and I like those in general. It seems to me that it represented a life which, while not for me, is idyllic and unachievable for a large portion of the population.  I like when characters don't need a lot of dialog to convey what they're thinking and I don't think it's a slight against the actors to say that they pulled it off very well.

Keeping all that in mind, you know what would have improved this movie? B.D. Wong. 

ETA:  It's annoying to me that the woman dominates the poster.

The Woman
MOSTER!!!!!! this is what happens when moster takes suggestions on what would be a good movie to watch. shme. and totally forgettable. i'm glad it's back in the mail and not collecting dust on our shelf. boring. barely any dialog. not bad, just boring. moster says it was shot "beautifully" i disagree. it was done well, but not "beautifully". at best average leaning towards good.


Bottom: Complete Series (1991-1995)

Starring: Rick Mayall and Adrian Edmonson

Eddie Hitler and Richard Richard live together in an apartment. They argue a lot and hit each other a lot and sometimes they have friends over.  Once or twice they leave the apartment.

The Woman
this was as if rik and vyvian grew up and out of their young idealism all the while still living together. on a whole i enjoyed it. those two really have great chemistry together. some episodes were really funny others seemed to miss the mark a bit. richie richard and edward hitler are totally awesome names, and truly are the bottom.

this and exposing my husband to buffy the vampire slayer are the reason for the light posting on the blog lately. i take full responsibility and don't regret it.

I don't want to talk about the implausibility of the premise because that would be dumb of me.

I don't think this one did as much for me as it did for el Woman. It wasn't as crappy as it could have been, and even the setups that didn't succeed came from a cerebral place.  The slapstick violence in the earlier episodes evolved (to an extent) to be more strategically-deployed carnage later on, and some of those longer-term payoffs were really great.  There was definitely some humor in here and I laughed aloud a few times.

But it was a LONG way to go to get those laughs out of me.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

I Am Number Four

I Am Number Four (2011)

Wroiter rhymes with Goiter: Alfred Gough, Miles Millar, and Marti Noxon (now i know who to blame for the crummy "buffy" episodes) and Pittacus Lore who is apparently two people and wrote the thrilling (i'm sure) novel, and who also deserve to be eaten by manbearpig for choosing possibly the lamest pen name available in imagination land.
Director: D.J Tanner- i mean, Caruso
Starring: Alex Pettyfer, Dianna Agron, Tim Olyphant, and Callan McAuliffe

an alien teenager boy hotstuff with special alien powers is fourth on a hitlist of another alien race's hitlist. how does he know he's the fourth? i don't know. apparently there are only NIEN, i mean nine left of his peaceful alien race. these nine were made to have super powers to protect the rest of their planet from the evil forces of the morg (?). they have pointy teeth and gills and are not the curly blonde looker ones just on case you didn't get that they are the bad aliens. in fact, while i was watching this, an argument was forming in my brain to compare this to a pervasive aryan agenda film, but i don't really have the energy to form a complete document. edits have been made to this synopsis to further my point.

The Woman
this was number two. i can't be the only person to have jumped on that joke. not that i had high expectations here or anything. i put this on the queue for that fill of bad teenage movies. in that respect it was only a slight let down with the lack of content. bubblegum that loses it's flavor after 30 seconds. i hate movies that are just complete setup for sequels. it drives me nuts. you can have setup and still have a strong enough movie to stand on it's own. then when they don't do well (like apparently this one) there are no sequels made and we are just left with a steaming pile of intention. i gave this the dispassionate two stars of :"didn't like it" which translates into "did i see that?"

The Perfect Host

The Perfect Host (2010)

Writer: Nick Tomnay, Krishna Jones
Director: Nick Tomnay
Starring: David Hyde Pierce, Clayne Crawford

a bank robber falls into the tangly web of a weirdo where he is forced to participate in a pretend dinner party.

The Woman
i had such high hopes for this one. david hyde pierce was fantastic, and who wouldn't have fun playing a psychotic. i especially loved the "car wash" dance number. unfortunately, he couldn't carry the whole movie. the plot was a little weak bordering on lame and then it took a turn for a what-the-fuck?. the whole last 15-20 minutes felt totally disconnected from the rest of the movie. why introduce a whole new subplot at that point? it didn't make any sense. i think, if i recall correctly, i actually made a stink face upper lip curl. that's a pretty strong reaction for someone who is immersed in getting as much knitting of the hooded sweater vest as i can before my kid awakes and needs some sort of parental supervision. oh, well. on to the next movie.

Monday, October 10, 2011


Brüno (2009)

Written by Sascha Baron Cohen, Anthony Hines, Dan Mazer, Jeff Schaffer, Peter Baynham
Directed by Larry Charles (ALL BY HIMSELF)

bruno is an austrian. he gets fired from his network where he has a fashion show. he loses his chic friends. he decides to go to los angeles to make it in the big time. hijinx ensue.

This was entertaining, but I'm not sure it was really a movie.  While there was a storyline with a resolution, it was really a framing voice for Cohen's real point: to display people being thrust vehemently out of their comfort zones and to ridicule people for their utter ignorance (there is, of course, some overlap here).

With that in mind, it kind of fell off for me around the 20 minute mark. There were plenty of laughs after that point but they weren't continuous anymore. After all, once a talking urethra is on the screen what are you going to do next?

The Woman
i think the problem with this movie was the humor way overshadowed the trite plot. the storyline was too linear and extremely secondary. it's like they blew their wad on the interviews and the characters and there was just a sac of empty testicles left for plot ideas. i laughed. i was uncomfortable and squirming in my seat in parts. i.e. the woman who said her one year old could lose 10 pounds in a week so she would be cast in the photo, or the ron paul part. it was way in your face, but i think that's a good thing, and also one of the points of the movie, but shme. meh. meh. now i can say i've seen it.

Sunday, October 9, 2011


Ceremony (2010)

Writer:  Max Winkler
Director: Max Winkler 
Starring: Michael Angarano, Uma Thurman, Reece Thompson, Lee Pace  

an extremely self-centered guy in his early twenties, accompanied by his shy and introverted friend, crashes the all weekend wedding event of the older woman he is madly in love with and tries to convince her that he is the one she should be with.

The Woman 
i highly enjoyed this. i thought this was going to be  pretty poor, but was pleasantly surprised. i have actually been putting off watching it because usually these sort of indie-ish "romantic comedies" are terrible, but this was a success, in my opinion. the characters are all extremely flawed, and most of them are not even likeable. the main character sam davis is a huge ass, but you begin to see how desperate he is, and yet how misled he is and begin to empathize with him. as the movie unfolds his heartbreak is tangible, which only makes him more desperate and more blind to the inevitable outcome. the story telling was great. the direction was quite beautiful. and the ending was perfect. i could watch this one more than once.

way to take a completely cliche plot and make it incredibly unique, max winkler. hats off to you, sir.


Foxes (1980)

Writer: Gerald Ayres
Director: Adrian Lyne
Starring: Jodi Foster, Cherie Currie, and Scott Baio and Randy Quaid

Four high school senior girls live in LA.  They deal with absent parents (some of whom actually care) and the stupidity that comes with their age.  Tribulations ensue.

The Woman
this was pretty after school special. retardedly so. a pack of teen girls in various states of unhappy home life. jodie foster- chick who feels the need to take care of everybody because of her childish mother and absent father. cherie currie- chick who has launched herself head first into drugs and out of comtrol wildness because her cop father is out of control controlling and abusive. the whore chick, and the virgin side kicks. that's stereo typed clique clicheness right there. in my all girls highschool experience the whores hung with the whores, the virgins hung with the virgins and the boozers and addicts hung with each other with the jodi foster type thrown in for good measure but she was usually into the booze and drugs too.

it walked that fine line of terrible and awesome with a few tips each way.  i guess when it tips to terrible that automatically overrides the awesomeness. no matter how many times it is awesomely bad. you know? yeah. i wouldn't tell anyone to watch this, but i didn't hate it. i kind of couldn't wait for one or more of these chicks to die.


Dude, I don't remember much about this; it kind of washed over me.  It was very much a product of its period.  The acting was rather good, actually. The direction was pretty good.  The production was (methinks) quite realistic.  There are few elements of the story (and no major ones) that you can't predict after about...well...I'll be charitable and say nine minutes of screen time.  So watch the first nine minutes and then fast forward to the (spoiler alert!) drunken death and funeral.

Unless you're in love with Scott Baio or Randy Quaid, because they're only in the middle.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Case 39

Case 39 (2009) or as it's known in Mexico: Caso 39

Writer: Ray "scarypants"Wright
Director: Christian Alvert
Starring: Fishlips McGee or "renee zelleweger" if you prefer, Jodelle Ferland, Ian McShane

social worker CPS agent fishlips squinty eyes is given her 39th active case. she checks it out. the parents come off as crazy wackadoos. they try and kill their daughter in a fairly awesome way only to be stopped by that meddling case worker. case worker has the little girl placed in her home to give that sense of reality, and things start to go spooooooooooky.

The Woman
wow. this was amazing. i knew i was going to enjoy it when netflixed guessed i was going to give it two stars. yet another stupid unthought out "horror" movie where ooooooooo! people are killed. and ooooooooo! the girl is innocent like a devil spawn. i saw this movie when it was done better and it was called "orphan". and i disliked it then. at least in "orphan" things were laid out for you. yeah it was lame, but at least they gave motive and explained the PLOT. i think the motive and what this girl really was was left out on purpose to make it more mysterious and scary(? for lack of a better term) it just made it poor and really dumb.