Queue Total

284 MOVIES (released titles only)

Note: Real spoilers are in black text on a black background. Highlight the black areas to read the spoilers.

Queue Numbers

#50- Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown

#100- Black Swan

#200- Mysteries of Lisbon

Last- Once Upon a Time in Anatolia

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Hot Tub Time Machine

Hot Tub Time Machine (2010)
Written by Josh Heald, Sean Anders, John Morris
Directed by Steve Pink
Starring John Cusack, Craig Robinson, Rob Corddry, Clark Duke, Crispin Glover

John Cusack attempts to recapture the glory of his 80s movies by setting a movie in the 80s.

The Woman
truly mediocre. this did not live up to expectations. i expected random stupid humor (which is funny). i got really dumb plot with bad humor. eh. forgetful at best. i refuse to use anymore words on this movie.

I didn't have very high expectations for this movie going in.  I was told that it was offensively misogynistic and homophobic (I really don't like that word for its intended context, but it's another battle I'll NEVER win) and I didn't find that to be the case, exactly.  If anything, the film is merely representative of the culture it attempts to represent and while the characters are that way...

Wait, I'm changing my opinion mid-stream.  The film doesn't have respect for anybody, but one scene in particular is pretty extremely disrespectful to women.  You can chalk up the homophobic commentary to the period, but when the characters are in the present day they're just as bad; because people still think that sort of thing is funny, if by "people" you mean "assholes."  Also, they're still 21st century dudes even when they're in 20th century bodies.

Aside from that, the movie was dumb.  I chuckled a couple of times, but I really didn't care.  There's this whole plot with one character who may or may not exist in the future but we're given no reason to believe that he's a contributing member of society.  In fact, we're given no reason to believe that anyone outside of a secondary love interest is a contributing member of society.

I'm not a huge John Cusack fan; but I used to like his movies a lot more than this one.  There was really nothing here.

Shaolin Soccer

Shaolin Soccer (2001)
Written by Stephen Chow, Kan-Cheung Tsang
Directed by Stephen Chow
Starring Stephen Chow, Man Tat Ng, Wei Zhao, Yin Tse

down on his luck ex-soccer star finds guy obsessed with kung fu and the shaolin way. they make a soccer team with all kung fu masters.

This was pretty cool.  It wasn't at all what I expected.  I don't know why, but I expected Mr. Chow to be teaching a group of Shaolin monks to play soccer in order to save their monastery or something.  Instead we get a story of multiple redemption / self re-discovery.  Each plot is equally rote, so it doesn't matter that much.

As with any formula application, it's all about the minor variables.  Some of the stuff was too far over the top for me.  The coach of "team evil," for example, was supposed to be joyously transparent but it didn't come off that way for me.  Similarly, Golden Leg was supposed to have had this one moment of weakness but we didn't get very much background as to why he felt the need to do so.  After he's abused by the one guy he spends 20 years being abused.  Why?  Is naivete even an excuse for this?

Good guy or bad guy?
What do you think?

But pantomime like this is definitely one of Chow's things, so I shouldn't let myself become too riled.  And if you take this extreme example out of the picture, you're left with... well, alright. You're left with a whole bunch of sacks who are far to sad to really exist and one man with the drive to make a difference in their lives.  Does he make that difference?  What do you think?

Again, who really cares?  We're watching this movie because it's a Stephen Chow spectacle, and even though the plot here is far more comprehensible than his earlier stuff  it is equally insignificant to the enjoyment of the experience.  The inventiveness of the styles is his strong point and that's where the movie shines.  Each of the brothers of Chow's character has his own kung fu technique; and they all get their due in both fights and games.  By and large the way the characters handle the ball with their kung fu is actually useful to the game and not cheating.

So, when the inevitable happens we don't really feel cheated either.

The Woman
very similar to kung fu hustle in it's style. the story was pretty disney sports movie. the misfits surprise everyone and make a great kick ass team. i laughed a couple times. i fell asleep in the middle for a bit. you know.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part II
Written by Steve Kloves, J.K. Rowling (like bowling)
Directed by David Yates
Starring The same people from all the other ones, but I'm putting an asterisk on Rickman

this time it's for realsies.

The last time I wrote about this I talked specifically about judging these movies separately as adaptations and films.  (Note here that I'm not going to concern myself with marking spoilers.)  From a critical perspective, I think this was less successful on both fronts.  However, it succeeds admirably as "fan service" and that's all that's required to push it over the gargillion-dollar mark. 

Looking at the technical, almost everything is at the same level as Part I.  Direction is competent if not earth-shattering, with a few standout shots here and there.  CG is at the top of the field, and this time they used the cloak where it should have been used.  The acting in general is at the same level, with two exceptions:  Some of the performances obviously revel in the joy of completing the project and participating in the positive outcome of the story.  And in his few scenes, Rickman actually tells his character's story with his eyes rather than the significantly reduced quantity of words that survived the transition from book to film.

As a standalone movie, there would be no point in watching this on its own.  It might be an interesting exercise, but I challenge you to find someone with the critical capacity who hadn't seen any of the other movies.

If you view the pair as a four hour movie then it's a decent experience.  The story is compelling enough, tension is built and diffused, and while the ending is still telegraphed from the Warner Brothers logo (because, seriously, in how many mainstream studio films does the bad guy win?) I could see it being a fun ride.  While you wouldn't get all of the interplay or in-jokes that you would if you'd seen the all the films in the franchise, you'd probably still be near the edge of your seat when the producer wants you to.  As a fanboy, the movie needed do only one thing to make me happy, and it put those five words in Molly's mouth.  So, there you go.

As an adaptation I have some real issues with how some things came about; and I don't really see a lot of reason why, for example, we needed Neville to go and bomb a bridge instead of making his speech and pulling the sword out of the hat in front of the crowd rather than off on his own.  And Harry giving those instructions to Neville was a great little scene in the book. He didn't need another minute with Ron and Hermione. The epilogue was completely unnecessary in both the film and the book; yet they wasted ten minutes on platform 9.75 when they could have given us those last ten minutes in the Headmaster's office, showing Harry fixing his wand.  All that would have required is another 30 seconds of dialog in the first movie underlining the importance Harry placed on that wand.  They also could have reshaped the epilogue into something else, like a quick scene of the kids being sorted or a quick scene of them in a history class learning about Snape or a few more scenes with some closure on any number of tertiary characters, or even something that Rowling wanted to add that could be a nice Easter egg for people who paid to watch the movie.

At the end of the day, even though it fulfilled my one requirement and even though I cried like a baby all the time, I really wasn't satisfied.  But you probably will be, because you're not me.

The Woman
i don't really remember the book. i always appreciate that when it comes to watching the harry potter movies for the first time. i couldn't tell you most of the things that were different. i could tell you one in particular, but i won't. oh, and it's really vague about the horcrux theme which was weird. if you have two movies portraying one book you have the time to explain voldemort's choices in soul holder thingies. i don't really get why they would leave that out. i guess that's why i liked the first part better. it was more hopeless, and oh shit we have no idea what we're doing no explanation needed. it was just tighter. i enjoyed this one, but i don't know how it stands alone.

still. we will watch this movie 9 trillion times like all the other ones because they are good and interesting...well maybe not the first two, but they are essential.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Royal Tramp

Royal Tramp (1992)
Written by Jing Wong, Louis Cha (book, really?)
Directed by Siu-Tung Ching, Jing Wong, Gordon Chan
Starring Stephen Chow, Sharla Cheung, Chingmay Yau

This court jester dude becomes entangled in the politics of the nation, essentially becoming an octuple agent as he falls into the service of every spy organization in the country.  Thankfully, he has a lot of spectacular fights along the way.

Woman (by proxy)

Is it over yet?  Good.

I actually tried to pay attention to the plot here.  I guess it's based on some sort of Chinese legend from the Ming Dynasty, but the notion of why this one dude was supposed to be overthrown was completely over my head.  Given that legend notion from the Netrflix jacket and the "novel" credit on IMDB maybe this was an adaptation where people were expected to know the story going in.

I'll give it that credit because I don't really give a fuck about the plot.  This was chock full of some great multi-style kung fu.  The production was a little on the low side, even for the early 90s, but again I don't care.  The choreography was great and the moves themselves were a lot of fun.  You could see the wires in a couple of shots, but since you know they're there anyway it's not too difficult to suspend disbelief.

This was a cool exhibition.  You can watch it muted and/or as a montage and you'll have a good time.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011


SKYLINE (2010)

Writer: Joshua Cordes, Liam O'Donnell
Starring: Eric Balfour, the kid from clueless, the chick from sweet valley high, and some actress playing eric balfour's knocked up old lady

you know the deal. aliens invade kill a ton of humans at once and then slowly pick off the remaining ones with their different, more personal service aliens.

The Woman
uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh. this was amazingly bad borderline awesome in the beginning, but got pretty old pretty quickly. and the movie is only an hour and twenty something. there was no developing plot. i think perhaps that is why it began to drag because nothing changed. there were no plans for escape.  and, no, the nuclear bomb didn't work...i don't know why we even keep that technology around because that shit never works. so after all that dragging, limping, and hiding around the ending was TOTALLY LAME! i wasn't expecting a keyser soze ending or anything, but it didn't make much sense. it wasn't an ending. the ending of this movie should have happened an hour in and then there could have been some movement a climax aaaaaaaand end.

what's with the obsession with using early 90's bad teen tv show actors? i was waiting for lisa turtle to jump out. maybe she was an alien. this reminded me of a syfy original with an outrageous budget, but at least syfy originals now exactly what they are and revel in their bad writing and poor plot, and use of actors no one has heard from in fifteen years.

Monday, July 18, 2011

The Tourist

The Tourist (2010)

Writer: Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck, Christopher McQuarrie, Julian Fellowes
Director: Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck
Starring: Johnny Depp, Angelina fish lips Jolie

a chick who is being followed by scotland yard because her boyfriend who she hasn't seen in two years stole a hundreds of millions of dollars? no pounds? no euros? from a british gangster who surrounds himself with russian henchmen to make himself seem more hardcore, owes back taxes on stolen money? hence the scotland yard issue, and has had plastic surgery so no one knows what he looks like, gets on a train and convinces the authorities that the american, johnny depp, is said boyfriend. cops figure it out that he isn't, but british/russian mob guy does not.

The Woman
this was HORRIBLE! angelina jolie should not speak in an english accent. she doesn't do it very well. it just made me want her to explode even more than usual. i dislike her. also timothy dalton doesn't help the situation. is it just me or does he make everyone guffaw.

anyway, back to the horribleness of this movie. their immediate "romance" came off as super sacchariney and schmaltzy. it was like a bad grocery store romance novel. there were also several elements that seemed very similar to stanley donen's "arabesque" which, being a donen flick, is seriously super awesome. johnny depp is no carey grant, and the fishlips lady is not even in the same level of dimension as audrey hepburn. it hurts my fingers just putting them in the same sentence. i don't know if there was some homage thing going on, but either way FAIL. it just ended up putting into perspective how awesome "arabesque" is and how terrible this movie is. the ending is also not shocking. they kind of gave it away in the trailers.

don't even bother. this movie sucks.

Saturday, July 16, 2011


Tickets (2005)

Writer: Abbas Kiarostami, Paul Laverty, Emanno Olmi
Director:  Abbas Kiarostami, Ken Loach, Emanno Olmi
Starring: the italian masses. seriously, it was a three piece thing and i'm not putting that much work into this.

Three vaguely-intersecting stories about a train ride include a tale of lost love and regret; a tale of why sometimes it's good to run away from home; and a tale of charity born of morals.

The Woman
this just solidified my dislike of italian cinema. don't care for. nope. i left and took a shower 2/3rds of the way through. i have only liked one italian movie and i absolutely hated it most of the way through and it had tilda swinton workin' it. i'm sure there are more out there that i would find perhaps acceptable, but i would not want to put myself through the process of discovering them. oh, i guess i enjoyed "la strada". there you go. two.

Yes, I understand why my estimable Woman didn't appreciate this; and I don't discount her opinion.  Like much Italian cinema this was a slow trip from 1 to 1.2.  Given the cramped nature of the setting, there wasn't much opportunity for schmancy camera work or major setups, but there were no major missteps either.  You always felt like you were in a train, so OK.

What I did like about this movie is that it was about people making choices which were quite easy on paper but quite difficult in practice.  The individual stories around how each character came to his or her conclusion are what held my interest, even if I chored through the last ten minutes only to find out what the Irish kids did.


Z (1969)

Writer: VasilisVasilikos (novel), Jorge Semprun
Director: Costa-Gavras
Starring: a bunch of french actors

a greek communist leader is assassinated with the help of the government and police. a magistrate investigates and finds some stuff out.

The fact that this is a French movie about Greece isn't why it's difficult to follow, but it certainly doesn't help.  This was an interesting docu-drama about what were apparently some pretty difficult times, but it started a little too in medias res and never really gave us a chance to catch up.  The cast of characters widened through practically the entire movie and there wasn't a lot of context behind what they all were doing.  There was also a definitive slant towards one side of the story; and that usually bothers me.

There was some great technique here--I especially liked how they chose to vary by character the use flashbacks and imagery which caused us to question the point of view of the camera--and the production itself was great.  But at the end of the day they had too much respect for the viewer in some places and not enough in others.

The Woman
interesting-ish. not really my bag. i could see it was critically good, but it just didn't really jive with me. i was confused for awhile and then i got frustrated and stopped caring or paying attention. eh.


Rubber (2010)

Writer: Quentin Dupieux
Director: Quentin Dupieux
Cinematographer: Quentin Dupieux
Starring: Robert the tire

Robert the Tire wreaks havoc on a small southwestern town.  Some people in the town are more aware of what's going on than others are.

The Woman
fairly awesome! this was insanely well directed and totally bizarre and funny and warped. i love that shit. i wouldn't say campy or "b" because of the level of quality of the shots. a real good time was had by me ingesting this through my eyeballs. i would tell anyone to watch this.

even though the theme is "no reason" which is pointed out in a monologue in the very beginning, there was a whole lot of thought that went into it. we were laughing at how shakespearian it actually was. excellent.

As an exercise, this was quite great.  This movie was shot so beautifully, providing composition and clarity absent in movies with ten times the budget or name trade, that it could excuse practically any shit plot.  The beauty of the cinematography was so subtle, lingering on scenes which required either excessive forethought or true genius for just enough time to show you the content of the scene, that it could excuse practically any horrifically disgusting subject matter.

Thankfully, those excuses aren't all that necessary.  The plot is thin, but it's explicitly supposed to be thin.  The subject matter, while explicit, is not offensive because it doesn't mean to be offensive.  Keeping almost every shot for exactly the right number of frames serves the picture well.

I did have some issues with the presentation of the plot. It kind of collapses under the weight of its own cleverness near the end.  The idea of using spectators within the movie to comment on the goings on is a nice call to the Greek chorus; but involving the chorus with the machine of the plot turned me off a little.  The idea of some characters being aware that they're in a movie is neither particularly new nor particularly bad; but the joke lightens the background a little too much.

But this is just MOster being MOster again.  (I guess it's one of those mornings.) I truly enjoyed watching this film, even if I think it needed a little more restraint to set itself free.  If you're at all interested in the technique of film you should rush to watch this movie.  If you're at all interested in awesome little movies, this should be near the top of your to-do list.

Thursday, July 14, 2011


Catfish (2010)

Director: Henry Joost, Ariel Schulman

the directors follow brother/friend/roommate/office sharer yaniv schulman through his experience with a family he has grown close to, but has only interacted with on the facebooking.

The Woman
SPOILERS ABOUND. DON'T READ THIS IF YOU ARE PLANNING ON WATCHING. this kept my interest through the whole thing. there was real tension and suspense when they are investigating the truth. going into it i thought it was a faux documentary and more shocking and terrible things were going to happen. i am going to blame the marketing for that one though. as someone who has experienced a pathological liar in real life it was not really that shocking to me. i know that embarrassment and anger that occurs when you finally come to terms with the stupid lies you fell for and you see this person for what they really are. i give yaniv a lot of credit for being so open about it to angela and discussing it with her. although, in the end, you can still see the anger and how it's affected him negatively. there is a definite sense of pity the viewer begins to feel for this woman who has created this whole alternate life as an escape from her real life, with her demanding responsibilities. and i don't think their friendship is really all happiness and love as the epilogue text suggests. the innocence of it all, which was the core of their relationship in the beginning, was smashed into a gridjillion pieces. i guess that's where the anger comes in because he is grieving the loss of friends that never existed, and the relationship that has replaced it is a whole different animal where the truth is still a muddy one. am i rambling? i think i might be. finished now.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Let Me In

Let Me In (2010)

Writer: John Ajvide Lindqvist (original screenplay and novel), Matt Reeves ("screenplay" or data entry of the subtitles from the original)
Director: Matt Reeves
Starring: Kodi Smit-McPhee, Chloe Moretz, and the dad from six feet under Richard Jenkins, and the best casey jones ever: elias koteas

an outcast kid is picked on in school and ignored at home. he befriend's the new neighbor girl who just moved in who happens to be a child of the night...aka a vampire.

The Woman
just watch the original. this was almost frame for frame just in english and somehow waaaaaay less subtle. i also found this one kind of boring and i didn't think that about the original. i also really, really liked the original so i might have gone into this one a little biased. we americans can't redo foreign films. we don't have the finesse.

p.s. sweden is a way better choice than new mexico for a vampire movie set in snow.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Twilight Eclipse. Text by MOster, images by Woman

Alright. Here we go.

Here comes some kid who I don’t know, but who looks kind of like Bieber.  And it’s raining ominously, well-timed thunder, blah, uh-oh! Supernatural muggers!

Screams of blood and bridge pose.  I guess they bit him.

Whoah. That’s an eclipse.  At least they have enough respect for their audience to expect them to know what franchise they’re watching.

Fade to that broad with the permanent pout, sitting in a beeeaaaaaautiful field. I hope she’s supposed to have written this wretched poetry as sketchball plays with her hair (but we all know he won’t pork her for like 11 movies). She’s even whiny when they make out, and HE IS UGLY.

This proposal of marriage to a teenager is reminiscent of Nabokov.  And they’re trading marriage for vampirism.    “I think you’ll find the vampire/human divorce rate is a little lower.”  Yes, and I think your pants will look great on my floor in the morning.

I can’t stand either of their faces individually, and it’s like a grillion times worse when they’re together.

And here’s Dad The Protector, who doesn’t like Smarty McShadypants. When did the definition of “grounded” become, “you can hang out with your boyfriend in a field—UNSUPERVISED—but  only until dinnertime?  He wants to trade her mezzaning for her spending time with other people like… Jacob, the other love interest.  Maybe “protector” isn’t quite the right word for this guy.  How about Doormat #3? What’s she reading out of his pocket?

I don’t like the camera placement in this movie; it spends too much time on her face.

So Smarty has been watching over her with the help of some other vampire; and he doesn’t want her to see Jacob because he knows all there is to know about shady pants.

Oh, here’s that woman who looks like Six or something and she’s the Valedictorian. Of the high school which could have been completely cut out of this movie.  I don’t know why it isn’t Smarty; he’s been studying the same shit for like a thousand years.  How many times ARE [they] gonna graduate high school?  Why are there so many vampires in the school, and why do they have such ridiculous eyes that nobody notices?

Who the fuck names a town Forks?
Someone is missing from Seattle over a year ago (must be Bieber); and Smarty knows something.  I have decided to name the other two, but I need more data.  And I think the vampire police are going to come and do something?  I’m already lost in this movie… except not at all.

Dude can’t even look the father in the eye, but he still has the cajones to offer her a flight to somewhere to see her mother and now the father is on board but she’s manipulating both of them into sending the father along.  But apparently this scene is just muddy and actually she's manipulated both of them into sending SMARTY along, because of course the father of a sixteen-year-old girl would go for that.  Have I come up with a name for him yet?  How about Blinders?  Blinders will work.

Narration.  Fuck you.

Cut to Florida, where the mother is trying to get Broody to stay.  And that’s a PHENOMENALLY long way to fly for a weekend, and the mother, who’s kind of cute, actually notices the McPantsness of the situation.  And I can’t stand to look at her in sunglasses.  She should be wearing her mother’s hat. Maybe then her whininess would be tempered by coyness. Some kind of gradumacation present in a purple box is extremely exciting.  Oh, that’s nice. She made a quilt out of old T-shirts.  That actually is sweet, which is why the mother will be off the screen soon.  Mother’s talking about kids but Broody knows she’ll never have kids.  And I can’t stand looking at her over her mother’s shoulder, either

Ooooh, darkness in the forest.  More of the McShadypantses, including the dude from the video game.  THE VISION has led them to this particular spot, and super-fast running and super fast running and whooshes and jumping and diving and music and leaping and shooting past, and red hair and sweatpants and reaching and grabbing and throwing and falling and looking and accelerating and hands like knives to make you go faster and juuuuumping over ravines and looking back and then the wolfland and now it’s wolves which are growling and McPantses which are running and they’re separated by the river, and more leaping and running and springing and trees and whoah! CG, and crossing each other in mid-air because they suck and looking and ducking and blurring and leaping and faster and faster and ooooh, no, Some Shady in their territory and they go after him.  And now its CG vampire vs CG wolf and the redhead runs away, and… sun.

And parking.

She’s not a safe passenger; her knees are in her chest.  She doesn’t regret going but she didn’t want to say goodbye.  He’s always hoping that she won’t become a vampire and yet he proposed to her on the condition that he change her.

Ooooh, that was the greatest introductory cut and music cue in the face of the universe.  Smarty is scoffing at Wolfie because he didn’t tell her about the super chase scene.  But how was he in Florida and in Spoons at the same time.  And “Victoria,” Red?, wants Broody.  “Jake” lied to her, and now she changes the subject to her bullshit about friendship. And he’s a super woman.  He has nothing to say to her.  He trusts her but he doesn’t trust her and he makes a terrible clowny sad face

So Mr. “I have nothing to say,” just lets her on his dinky motorcycle.

Super Shirtless Brigade!  “Look who’s back!”  And they’re randonculously pectoral.  Now it’s Leah Clearwater.  Is that a quadrangle?  She doesn't like Broody but here’s another Indian minus another shirt.  Commence wolfsmoration!

So they’re walking together and talking about some other love triangle.  Is this a parallel? Someone imprinted on someone else, and even she doesn’t want to understand the mythology.  What kind of movie is it where the lead isn’t curious about the plot?  And he’s explaining imprinting to her because she’s too busy fucking neither vampire nor werewolf to be in school, learning about biology. And she’s going to make him not say that he’s imprinted on her.  Can she hear the cellos? I want her to strangle herself with her hair.

She’s still her… until graduation.  He doesn’t want her to do it.  He thought he’d have a chance but Smarty owns her.  He’s sickened by her whole thing.  “Better you really be dead than one of them.”  And Shirty is extremely sad and she’s offended and he’s sad.  That was a great sad face.  Maybe that’s why his shirt is on, because he can’t take it off until he looks like he’s 16.

Scratchy fingers in her room, but it’s not her.  It’s another dude, who I don’t believe is a McShady.  High-pitched strings indicate that something is going to happen.  Blinders is lying on the couch blindly, and Vampy is staring at him.  Clunk, door, brooding look, nothing.
“Edward could respect meal times.” “I was just with Jake.” “Oh… good.”  Triple standards.
New guy is stalking her.  What’s with her? Smarty visions that something has happened.  Someone’s been in her room, which is less surprising than that he didn’t know about it in advance.  The scent is gone.  Someone is fucking with them.

Back to the land of the Shadies.  And they’re going to guard her house and search for four people and eat people and blah blah.  And she’s going to Jacob for protection?  And they’re working together.  But not really.  They’re territorying, and she’s tired of this.  So she’s Switzerland, which also proves that she doesn’t go to school.

They take shifts, with lots of CG brooding and bullshit, and how does her father, the Chief of Fucking Police, not noticewhat’s going on?

“Doesn’t he have a shirt?” Dude, it’s the first time in the whole movie that he hasn’t worn one.    So Smarty is making a big show of kissing her.  Why do they both have fishlips?  Because Mormons don’t have tongues.

So he hugs her? That’s not the same thing.  Where the fuck is her father now?  Now she’s staying overnight with the wolves.

And she’s crashing the Circle of the Indianwolves. She is the first outsider.  Ever.

I bet this kid, Seth, will always keep his shirt.  So he’s Junior Shirty.  That guy barely looks like he’s a native.  They were shape shifters who transformed to the wolf to scare off enemies and protect their tribe.  Why the fuck is this in English.  One day they came across a vampire.  This flashback is super exciting.

Oh, fuck. Her face again.

So this isn’t a history so much as a “how to kill your vampire.”    Scorched earth policy, screaming, fighting, brooding, dying wolf. Brooding



And vampire lady is mad, but that’s enough of a distraction for the wolf man to get her.


I hope we get to hear all these histories; it shows that the characters inhabit a fully-realized world.  Over time their enemies have disappeared, but one remains.  The Cold Ones.  So, apparently they can only be wolves when the vampires are around.  That also makes sense.

Brooding.  How much of the runtime of this movie is just her fucking annoying face?

Cut to some kind of docks with more torture. I think this is present day.  They turned some little girl.  That’s excellent.  Whoah, that man became ceramic.

Seattle is in a state of terror, we learn on the wall of Casa McShadypants.  They’re gonna have to do something.  It’s time for a vampire fight,    something for her to look forward to.  Someone’s creating an army, says Dr. Videogame.  The Volturi haven’t stopped this. Maybe they’re behind it. 

Oh, look, she’s at home.  How long as she been away for him to not ask her anything about it?  Riley Biers is the name of the Bieber. She suggests that the parents just give up looking, because she knows what’s happening and she also requires no parental supervision.  And now they’re in bed  and she’s talking about explaining things to people but he just says she has to wait a few decades because he’s trying to protect her.  What?

This is a disgusting scene.  They keep zooming in on each face.  He’s talking about how selfish it is to change her.  The music is also bad, but not nearly as bad as the story.  Their kissing grosses me out.
Twangy guitar and stupid faces.  Her hand isn’t even on his dick.

So now she’s back to walking with Shirty. It’s the same black shirt, by the way, and he’s apparently invited to the McShadypants’ graduation party.  I still don’t understand why they’re in high school.  He’s going to try to convince her to not change again.  But she needs to know that he, too, is in love with her.    She won’t admit her true feelings, so now she’ll have two stalkers, and more fighting.  “You wouldn’t have to change for me… or say goodbye to anybody.”  He has flesh and a heart.  Crescendo music but she doesn’t want to kiss him so she punches him and it hurts.  Oh oh, here comes asshole.  This is awesome fighting but Blinders can see for once!  “What’s going on?” Are you that naive? Oh, yeah.

So after that she’s allowed to go back out to stay with the Shadys.  Some other Shady, who I’ll call Albino McShady  disapproves of this plan.  So Broody goes outside to whine at her.  Rosalie?  No, we’ll stick with Albino. Broody doesn’t know why she hates her, but it’s only dislike.  That’s a letdown; I need more allies.  But she envies Broody and I have no respect left.  “I don’t care how miserable your human life is.”  What an excellent statement.  She wanted a family, blah blah flashback with moustaches.  This vampire is also kind of sketchball.  Rape kiss … … I think it’s rape time.  They left her in the street. Awesome. I don’t know if it was actual rape or just vampire rape.  Leila says it was actual rape.  More flashbacks for revenge.  How is this necessary?  Because everybody knows she’s not going to change her mind, so this is just a waste of five minutes.  Oh, and crappy poetry.  But Broody understands, except that she’s 17 so she has no idea.  And then there’s the blood thing.

Back to the unchecked newborns and Bieber is leading this pack.  Someone’s watching them. I guess these are some other kind of badguys.  They’re against the volturi? Or they are the volturi?  Psychic discussion?  They need to decide whether or not to keep these things around. I say do it, because we need more characters in this movie.

That was a poor narrative cut to the valedictorian speech.  There are ninety McShadys in the audience for this crap.  This is the time to make mistakes., blah blah. Nothing’s permanent, blah blah. This editing makes me sad, but I’d rather look at valedicky’s face than Broody’s.  Why is the high school even in the movie?

This is quite the party, with a lot of bouncy dancing. All the Shirties are wearing shirts!  She’s mad and who cares, but he’s apologizing and it’s working, because this movie isn’t over yet.  So he made her a charm.  It will magically protect her from nothing, except a graceful exit from this franchise.
Evil vampries are coming to fight, so they’re strategizing at the party. Shirty wants in on the fight and his friends appear to agree.  Of course, stupid Broody doesn’t want them but even Smarty thinks it’s a good idea.  It’s going to be a good battle, and they have… “… an…understanding…”  They’ve also been invited to train, and I long for a montage.  Here come the Shirties … oh, no, it’s Broody and Smarty, who doesn’t like her career killing charm. 

So, there are the Shirties approaching the Pantsys (heh).  She’s acting as a go-between, for some stupid reason.  Newborns are stronger than regular vampires because they still have human blood. That makes perfect sense.  Jasper is now Bangsy.  Music is ready.  PLEASE give me a montage.
“Don’t hold back”


Throw. Brood run slam punch.

Dodge. ”Never lose focus.” Brood brood nod run slide jump run grapple. Wolf look, scrutinize, throw, punch, “never turn your back.” Wolves watching, girl, punch dodge twist jump throw sexy glance nod jump dodge throw, punch jump flip glance slide glace pinch jump glance kiss happy CG wolf behind Broody. That could have been better.

She doesn’t want them to get killed.  Awwwww.  They’re done for the day even though A) the wolves didn’t train and B) they only have like two days to go.  But you need to see bites and scars.  Bangsy was a soldier in the Civil War.  Oh, that’s interesting.  I wonder if Bangsy has bangs in the past.  No, they’re more on the sides of his head.  That was actually not a bad shot.

He’s aiding a bunch of maidens who of course aren’t maidens, and they’re trapping him and this is supposed to sound dirtyish.  But it’s not.  I love their accents.    There were brutal vampire battles in the South.  I remember hearing about that in history class.  But the end of this story is that he used to train the newborns and then kill them before their first year was up.  This music is insipid.  How can simply breaking their necks kill them?  That’s lame.  And then he realized that he was a puppet.  This other woman is Eyesy McShadypants.  More annoying kissing.

Sparkly river, like sparkly vampires.

Speaking some other language.  Wait… this is just another flashback, plus shakicam.  And Broody wakes up with Smarty next to her because again, of course, Blinders are on.  But Broody can strategize better than the other vampires so she figures out some master plan.  But I still don’t care. 
I guess this is some kind of recruitment warehouse.  She wants to help in the fight.  “I think it’s dangerous for us to be apart.”  What the fuck does that mean?  Of course she’s right but instead of getting her way he decies to take her away.  And Shirty is giving him shit.  They’re luring the newborns to the field.  Shirty’s odor will cover hers so they can hide better.  That actually makes sense. It also doesn’t matter.  They’re flirting, or something.  He sounds really dumb and douchy.  He’s telling her about her feelings.  I thought they were supposed to be running.

I hate her face.



He’s not attractive, he’s not a good actor, and he looks older than he should if he’s a time-frozen vampire.

And Blinders knows this woman whose nickname I don’t remember.  Broody and Smarty will have the house to themselves. “You’re welcome” says this new brunette, but we know nothing will happen.  This is dumb.

Making a sandwich with Dad, “why didn’t you get remarried?” She thought he gave up on marriage. What does that mean? He’s been fucking around?  Marriage has value when you’re much older.  Good thing she doesn’t care to take anybody’s advice.  And she makes a big deal out of announcing she’s a virgin.  What an annoying scene.

Dude, you can tell she’s brooding from behind as Smarty opens the door for her.  His hair is repulsive to me.  Now she has two charms, because this pissing match will never, ever end.  Look at all these beds which won’t be used for anything good.    His smirk makes me sad.  All she has to do is marry him and “anything you want. It’s yours.”  Have I mentioned that they make out annoyingly?  He won’t fuck her because he thinks he’ll kill her.  She wants him, but she doesn’t know what she wants.  Are they going to do it? Did I misunderstand all the books?  I don’t think so.  Seriously, it’s like they’re both whining while they grope each other, like it’s part of their foreplay to nowhere.  This editing and music means that something bad is going to happen.  So I won’t bother writing down that… wait.  They’re done with some kissing and (his) chest rubbing.  It didn’t even get to the killing part.  How nice.

I fucking hate her face.  I hate his face.  I hate his stupid Mormon face.  He wants to leave this rule unbroken.  “It might be too late for my soul but I want to protect yours.” Wait a minute!  How does that work if he’s going to STEAL HER FUCKING SOUL IF SHE MARRIES HIM?!  I can’t fathom this.  Now he’s talking about courting her as if they were in the 19th century.  I can’t deal with his whinging. It’s the whole thing: makeup, expressions, writing, acting.  I can’t write this down because I can’t hope to capture the myriad emotions oozing from every syllable of his proposal, replete with ring.  And he acts surprised that she says yes.  But she still doesn’t get the dick.  For her soul.

Monorail under space needle.  Here’s Redhead and Bieber, planning.  The McShadys killed her friend, just because he spied on them to tell her about their strengths.  Is this background unnecessarily complicated, or is does it exceed the level of pathos I’m prepared to put forth to this story?  But she’s manipulating him into a suicide mission.  He swears that he’s going to kill them all.  And it’s the rough music and electric guitars which mean that these people will probably fuck, even though she’s just using her vagina to avenge her friend.  And even though they’ll make it as clear as sparkly skin that they’re fucking these producers won’t earn their PG-13.  For our souls.  .

Co-brooding in the forest.  She’s not wearing the ring, and he thinks it’s because of Shirty.  She doesn’t want to take his head out of the game, even though she is the entire reason for the game.  Shirty shows up with a ruler and a quizzical expression.  She won’t answer his idiotic question.  And now it’s time for the fight.

Stare stare zoom crescendo vampire-head periscope.  Zoom.Crescendo. Wolf taxi.  Now they look like zombies, i.e. how vampires would look in most other vampire movies.  Ominous music over a Lone Smarty.  Zoom out to… nothing.  Tension is not a savings account.annoying  Fuck you. 

 Shirty really looks like a stupid baby.  And this “storm” is not just a metaphor as she shivers under her blanket and claims to be fine.  What can Smarty do to warm her?  I don’t know, how about think ahead and bring a heater or something.  Shirty doesn’t like the tooth chattering, and  Smarty doesn’t like Shirty in the tent.  But a little brooding from the sleeping bag silences them.  Shrity wants to be an undead blanket.  This is excellent. Why didn’t he bring a shirt to the top of the mountain?  Wouldn’t that have made her even warmer?  This is not really very entertaining.

Wow. The moon is moving quickly through the sky. Is that a poretent or a poor device?

Shirty is intentionally thinking about poking her because Smarty can sense him.  Seriously?  There’s so much fucking fluff in this movie and they couldn’t have broken these to arguments with anything?  They’re arguing over the sleeping object of their affections, which is counterproductive on many levels.  Shirty still thinks she just refuses to admit her luuuurve.  Smarty wants to kill him, but he wouldn’t because it would hurt Broody.  He doesn’t want to make Broody a vampire, except for the part where he promised to do it. Smarty is now saying that Shirty can give her everything; but none of this matters.  I want to meet the casting director of this movie. 

“If we weren’t natural enemies and you weren’t trying to steal my reason for existing…”  When was the last time I said this was dumb?  Shirty has very nice teeth but he’d never be Smarty’s friend.  But he DOES have very nice teeth. Morning. Another CG wolf, who Smarty doesn’t like.  Junior Shirty?  And Broody is apologizing for staying warm?  So instead of accepting her apology and being a grownup (like a hundred-year-old?)  he manipulates the situation so Shirty finds out about the engagement.  He’s a real turd; but she’ll marry him for his dick.

Broody is broody is broody.  She wants Shirty to stay around so she can keep manipulating him. But I don’t think she (or, more accurately, Ms. Meyer) is self-aware enough to understand that.   She doesn’t’ want to lose him because he’s too important..  But she’s still marrying Smarty.  Kiss me!  I’m… asking you… to… kiss me.  And is there some passion?  No.  Not in this movie, no.  Where’s Smarty to start a fight?

And… brooding.    Did Smarty see, her fucking ugly pensive face asks?  Probably.  This soundstage / bluescreen is pretty poor for such a costly movie.  Smarty didn’t see but, “Jacob’s thoughts are pretty loud.”  He accepts that she loves him. “I love you more.”  Well, then everything is alright.  Fight time for real? I don't know why I hope so.

Sprinting. Standing. Standing. Sprinting. Zooming. Running. Zooming. Circling. Smarty can sense the fight.  Collision! Punching and pushing and ripping and breaking necks and wolves! That didn’t wait long enough to add excitement, and the CG is for shit and readhed didn’t expect the wolves and cooperating and throwing and jumping and biting and clotheslining and punching and jumping over wolfes and little girl recruit is scared, which doesn’t fit the pattern (which is not a surprise) and more ceramic heads. When did the ceramic heads come into this?  And under what circumstances to they become ceramic?  And …

And ceramic arms! And wolves and ineffectural tackling and whoosh and blur and surrounded little girl.  And Redhead has tracked them to Weathertop.  Is this going to be more interesting?  Oh, I guess I was wrong because Bieber is now with them on the mountaintop.  Smarty and Reddy are vying for Bieber.  This is dumb and a waste of time because nobody ever changes their mind in this movie.   

Junior files up and the ceramic limb effect is already boring.  Now Smarty is challenging Redhead, because he hasn’t been actively running Broody away from Red for the ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE.  So tackle and snow fight and reaching and throwing and looking and oh, yeah, brooding, and NOW they’re running away and now they’re separated, which also makes sense, and he throws Reddy at a tree closer to Broody and Bieber is still fighting the Junior.

Despite the stupidity of this strategy, the leads will linger, like leotards in 1990. Now Broody's going to throw rocks like a hobbit?  No. She’s bleeding into the snow to distract everyone.  Of course.  There’s Reddy ditching Bieber to go after Smarty and the Blood.  That’s a good name for a band.  And Smarty just bit her head off?  Or something.  But the real question is if he’ll be able to resist THE BLOOD OF BROODY.  Oh, fail.  I’ve forgotten the name of the psychic. 

Vision of Fanning and the werewolves have to run away.    And Shirty is hurt but he can’t act hurt very well.  Dr. Video Game McShadypants, M.D. is going to set the bones and  break the truce to help Shirty, who is going on the lam before the Vampire Police come.

Ooh, Volturi subterfuge.  I was right that the McSmartys are adopting? the little girl.  And they’re torturing her unnecessarily on purpose. Whoah! Bangsy is hardcore with the looks.  Some other McShady is vouching for New Girl; but  then they stop caring because the only one important is this singular teenager.

Now Broody is in Shirtytown and Shirty himself is screaming in pain as Dr. Videogame re-sets the bones.  And the Chief man offers his hand to Dr. Video.  This is quite touching.  Too bad Dr. Videogame is not portrayed by Kevin Costner.

Broody now goes in for her own brand of torture.  He’s covered in sweat. Will it help him to act?  Maybe next movie.

I hate her face.

Shirty hates that Smarty wasn’t mad.  Yes, please zoom in on Shirty's shitty acting.  Why does she have to almost bite her bottom lip all the time?  And close her eyes?  He wants her to break his heart while his arm is broken.  Poetic.  Shirty is exactly right for Broody; and he’s probably right, but I still don’t care.  That shot captured her vacant eyes extremely well.  You direct that photography!  Seriously, she looks like she’s got some Action in her Intestines, which is the title track on The Blood of Broody’s debut album, Undie!. Why do the filmmakers feel the need to convey this story?  Is there any reason other than money?

And, cut immediately to Broody and Smarty hanging out in a field again and discussing the date for the wedding.  This is a truly facile way of bookending the movie.  Smarty says she’s trying to make everyone else happy, except for the part where she’s  thumbing her nose in the face of advice from literally ten people.  She looks softer and younger in this scene.  I think they filmed them at the same time and didn’t bother to change the makeup. 

I also don’t like her nostrils or the way she moves here eyebrows.  She is now claiming, essentially, that she’s already a vampire.  She feels that she’s not normal and that makes her vampiric.  Because 
those are the only two choices.  Is humanity the turd sandwich or the giant douche?

I have to close my eyes for this because nobody wants to hear me yell at the TV, and when I crack them it’s the same closeup single shot; but I guess they eventually  changed to the other ugly face.  She wants to tie herself to him in every way humanly possible; but it’s not humanly possible to do this.  The punchline of this scene is that they have to tell her father and I sincerely hope that this is a cliffhanger for the next movie.  This music is intolerable and they’re standing in a fucking Thomas Kincade painting and I am happy to have been correct.

I refuse to listen to the music over the credits.


Sunday, July 3, 2011

Terminator Salvation

Terminator Salvation (2009)

Writer: John D. Brancato, Michael Ferris
Director: a McG with cheese
Starring: Sam Worthington, Christian Bale, Anton Yelchin

judgment day happened. war against the machines has commenced. skynet is self aware. there is no future but what we make, but unfortunately, skynet keeps succeeding, so apparently we're going with time theory B where the future is a set course that cannot be changed.

I didn't like this movie.  I don't understand why the machines are using tactical weapons to destroy the humans rather than just laying waste to every square millimeter of surface area controlled by machines.  I don't understand why the machines use bipeds on motorcycles at all.  I don't understand the presence of monitors, control panels, and manually-actuated valves in Machine Central.  I don't understand Bellatrix's relationship with the Machines.  Was she Alice Krige?

Christian Bale is a good actor, but shit it's difficult to hold feces above your head for two hours.

The Woman
they need to stop making these. they have stopped making sense. the time paradox thing now that the future is present (in the movie) makes for a whole lot of questions that have no other answer than hollywood can't stop making terminator movies. why is skynet in a building with floors and levels and security and rooms and hallways and doors when THE HUMANS ARE THE ENEMY AND ARE BEING TERMINATED. why? because holly wood can't stop making terminator movies. it brings back the whole obstacle course in the middle of the space ship in "galaxy quest". it's funny because it's true. it's transparent illogical plot making. i guess the thin argument is there that skynet was testing on humans and therefore the terminator factory with floors and assembly lines and molten metal could be made, but why would there be a sort of corporate office type of building on top of said terminator factory where skynet could communicate in a human way? because holly wood can't stop making terminator movies. i could go on, but i'll leave it to moster to ask the questions of human technology like motorcycles being used by skynet... or why do t-800s look like skeletons if they were not going to be "living tissue over a metal endoskeleton" to begin with? i think all the major production companies should hire a sarcastic jaded youth to ask the movie makers these sort of common questions to keep these sorts of stupid plot holes from happening or at least make them explainable. like tom hank's job in "big" but movies instead of toys. i know they don't really care, but they should. i might be more willing to spend money to see them in the theaters. piracy rates could possibly go down. we wouldn't have to listen to those rich assholes whine in psa's about how the poor movie industry is losing money because of piracy. yes. i would steal a car if i thought i could get away with it. especially if it was from some berjillionaire who was constantly ripping me off. yes. yes i would.

the first two terminator movies are a part of that rare occurrence when the sequel is just as good if not better than the first movie. it's unfortunate that they couldn't leave them alone. it's gotten to the point where i roll my eyes when i here the terminator "beats?" oh well.

Iron Man 2

Iron Man 2 (2010)

Writer: Justin Theroux
Director: Jon Favreau
Starring: Robert Downy Jr, Gwyneth Paltrow, Mickey Rourke, Jon Favreau, Scarlett Johansson, Sam Rockwell, Don Cheadle, Samuel L Jackson....did i miss anyone? oh yeah, Gary Shandling, and John Slattery

Tony Stark's blood poisoning problem is becoming worse; and that's just one of the things which makes him even more of a reckless jackass than ever.  Meanwhile, Robert Downy Sr (dba Roger Sterling) and Michael Rourke had some dealings about which lead to Mickey Rourke taking 30 year old plans and building completely on his own a competing Iron Man suit.

There is a large action set piece near the end of the movie.

The Woman
i am confused as to what excitement actually happened in this movie. there was no climax. isn't that a necessary element for a movie to have? especially an action movie? mickey rourke went down way too easily. boom. mortally wounded. there was no real action to this action movie. singular issues of comic books have a better structure to them than this movie. speaking of comic books, i never read the iron man comics because i found him uninteresting, but he comes from the marvel universe where there are thousands of superheroes. therefore, the whole premise of this movie is bogus. tony stark is not the only world pacifier as he sees himself, and the government would care less about his suit being a weapon with potential danger to national security because there are tons of other extraordinary beings running around stopping evil forces. hence the whole avengers assholes. am i wrong? i don't think i am. i enjoyed the dialog, but it couldn't hold an entire movie up. quentin tarantino got shit for that in "death proof" (of which i completely disagree because i love that movie) and he's the master of dialog. justin theroux, you FAIL. we chuckled at stan lee's cameo, so good job whoever had that idea.

i don't know. i didn't think the first one was the shit either, so my expectations for the sequel were significantly lower. perhaps if they were just a millimeter lower they would have been met.

The question isn't why Jon Favreau got to direct the second Iron Man movie; it's why he got to direct the first Iron Man movie.  I'm not saying that he's a bad director or that the movie is put together poorly; but that there are probably primates who have also been trained to paint by numbers, and who probably wouldn't cast themselves as Ronnie the Limo Driver.

I think I just felt like everybody here was phoning it in, going through motions which have worn tracks in the minds of moviegoers across the world.  I can't speak to the accuracy of the story to its source material but it's so typically typical.  He's cocky, he has a love interest but they're just friends, then another woman comes in but she's not what she seems.  He argues with people about being a vigilante, sometimes he fights people, he argues with his friends and gets taken down by a peg or two, Samuel Jackson sneezes on the lens, he wins everybody back over.  You know everything will be alright in the end because as soon as you see the first frame you know this is nothing more than an entry in a franchise.

If you do decide to watch this, keep a lookout for a special cameo near the beginning.  That was the only standout scene and it had about four words of monologue.

Friday, July 1, 2011

A Tale of Two Sisters

A Tale of Two Sisters (2003)

Writer: Jee-Won Kim
Director: Jee-Won Kim
Starring: Su-jeong Lim, Geun-Young Moon, Jung-ah Yum

two girls come back to a house with a horrible stepmother, an absent wussy father, and some sort of ghosty scaryness.

The Woman
this had the same feel to me as kubrick's "the shining". it was that same slow build up creepyness. however, the slow didn't equal boring it just made the suspense that more intense. i "focused" on my knitting more than once because i couldn't take it. i got semi-lost towards the end, but regained my knowledge of what was going on because things were spelled out pretty clear in the last scene. good. i enjoy those koreans and their movie making skills.


Burlesque (2010)

Writer: Steve Antin
Director: Steve Antin
Starring: Cher, Christina Aguilera,, and volchok/james who did us all a favor by killing marissa on the o.c. and giving kristen stewart a seizure in twilight, oh and Stanley Tucci

a totally original small town girl goes to big city to make it story. she finds her niche in a night club called burlesque where a frozen faced elderly woman owner autotunes along to some dancing chicks with fishnets and captain hats. the rest of them lip sync along to the oldies while dancing in fishnets and corsets. that is until christina aguilera busts out with her extreme multiple-note-syndrome. the obstacles were leading lady rivalry, the bank was foreclosing on the club, and what guy is christina aguilera going to choose? rich boy or bohemian?

The Woman
i actually watched this a couple weeks ago and forgot to write about it. these are the points that i remembered i wanted to make.

this reminded me of a cocktail of "coyote ugly" and "glitter". the performance routines were interesting, but the plot was way too stupid and done to death, and who cares. i found it amazing that cher could lip sync her own autotuned-self with her skin pulled so tight, filled with things, and paralyzed in places. every time alan cumming was shown i though "oh, yeah! i forgot he was in this movie!" and i LOVE alan cumming. he was totally wasted in this movie. i'm not sure why he was even in it. i think he had two lines in the beginning and then he had his routine that was cut to and from as filler for a vapid conversation between aguilera and someone else. i don't know if i would even recommend this as an eye candy experience...i will say that my almost three year old son loved the music. he was gettin' way down to it. so the soundtrack is appealing to preschoolers. i don't know if that was what they were going for, given the content of sexyness sexy time dancing, but they achieved it. so there is that. maybe watch it for the eye candy and stanley tucci. he acts a good gay.