I’m really not looking forward to this.
The sky just went from red to blue and the fucking twat is narrating and I can hear her one facial expression in her idiotic words. “Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies,” and then the werewolf takes off his shirt because the twat is entering the family of vampires to stay in the Kingdom of Childhood. What an excellent message. But everybody is happy except the wolf, who tears off his shirt to tear up his face.
So they’re arguing about shoes and elaborate weddings and things and I’m not clear if they just jumped ahead in time or if they simply sent the invitations three days before the wedding. The worst part about this movie is that there will not be any tits.
So Broody is now in her room and she’s packed boxes and look! There’s a painting of a dog but I’m wrong. She’s not going for that she’s going for the stupid dream catcher from the other immature asshole. And of course she turns around to find the jackoff himself standing behind her. I need new nicknames, and fast. He’s been waiting a century to marry her but they’ve known each other for like a month and a half. It’s time for him to tell her some big secret. He hunted people in the 50s, appropriately during Bela Lugosi movies. (That’s not really appropriate, for the record.)
I guess he thinks he’s Dexter or something, as he goes after people who were going after women, or so he thinks. I really like his Jimmy Olson outfit. In watching a 1:1 exchange between them I can only think of whatever that viral video was, where they replaced the dialog with other mundane mumbling. Why the fuck are her teeth so big? Apparently she’s not yet capable of courage or sacrifice, because she’s not a vampire. So other asshole vampires are making a bachelor party for him. It’s a hunting expedition! And they’re all able to jump up to the window! Because they’re vampires! And that makes them awesome! This music is just about as bad as the dialog. She still has the same fucking facial expression.
As they leave, I bet it’s time for the fucking werewolf to show up. She’s still ignoring the painting of some kind of dog with floppy ears. From this distance, it could be a two-year-old’s painting of her face. She’s not having a bachelorette party, because she doesn’t have any friends anymore, so instead she turns off the light to diddle herself to a vision of their wedding. I’m sorry I was wrong about the wolf showing up. Instead it’s a dream of the Evil Vampire Coalition. Her hand is bloody and he’s laughing, because apparently she killed all the guests.
These women are all dressed up to look dumb. Mopey has a “blatant lack of respect for mortality.” They have a big picture frame hanging on the wall of all the vampires’ graduation caps. The father, who might have come to his senses, calls it weird. He’s wearing a tuxedo from 1974 and he’s mean to her mom, of which I also approve. I do not approve of the mondo fucking hair clip—her “first family heirloom”—and does her mother even know that they’re vampires?
Dress time! Dainty, insulting, girl clapping time! Stock string music time. Trees that shed flowers are all over this place. And, oh yeah, people from high school, before we’re back to Face. (Her name is Face for this movie.) The dress drags on the ground. Someone is holding the camera, lavishing this dress that some person is really proud of. Flowers. Hands clasping elbows. Face Face Face Face Face Face Face Face Face Face. Other people are happy for her because they’re really dumb.
[Leila says “Who are those people?” Extras.]
This is interminable. It’s actually going at less than real time. Why is the officiant a mortal? He made a half-assed motion to make everybody sit down. At least the ceremony itself is short, even if it is edited in exactly the same way as about 75% of every fucking wedding scene in the history of shitty movies. They do. Are they going to fuck now, even though the core will be softer than an orange’s? First they have to kiss. Again, they’re all by themselves. These metaphors are so phenomenally subtle, it’s like I need an Enigma machine.
Applause. Daddy is still upset. I don’t want to be the extra in that band. High school people again, staring at the cake. Every idiot wolf except for the idiot wolf who’s .01% better for her than the idiot vampire is hanging around. Wheelchair Wolf Leader doesn’t want Reasonable Dad (Dad will be Resonable today) to drink with his daughter. More vampire cousins. Somebody’s name is “Urina?” Urina is pissing all over the wedding. That’s actually appropriate (except of course the U is really an I.)
Who’s this asshole giving a speech? I’m not connected enough to know if there’s continuity here or not. Bella won’t be sleeping, because this guy’s brother is going to be pounding her senseless. Cut to Reasonable, of course. High school girl is giving an awkward speech. Reasonable is giving an awkward speech which is very typical. This editing is making me just want to close my eyes, but I don’t know if that would be better. Now her mother is singing, “go to sleep.” Is that about enduring this ridiculous scenario? Wow is Cedirc a shitty actor. (He’ll only be Cedric until I think of something better. You people will have to keep up.) Seriously, why is his hair two different colors? Toast. Face. Toast. Face. Toast. Face. “We’ll start with forever.” All the vampires toast, and now everybody is dancing like morons. How long until the vampires get too drunk and start doing supernatural acrobatics? He bought her a present. It’s far in the woods. Apparently Cedric conspired with the Wolf (I don’t like that but I don’t care). Maybe Cedric just smelled him. Face says everything is perfect, because now Whiny is there too. (We’ll keep Whiny. I remember enough to remember that he’s been whiny through all these fucking movies.)
Stupid lamenting bullshit that doesn’t mean anything. He threatens to trash the party. There are a bunch of other werewolves there to stop him. I think it would be a much more interesting movie if it turned to a 90 minute bloodbath. This is boring, not least because it doesn’t mean anything to the story. There are tears in the Face. Whiny is being appropriately passive-aggressive. I guess she’s not going to be a vampire until after the honeymoon. Now he’s being actively aggressive.
Fighting over the fact that the Vampire Cock will kill the Face.
People are throwing rice at them now. Her mother is giving her dumb advice. Her mother doesn’t need a nickname; I’m extremely confident that we won’t see her anymore. I’m up to 1200 words, and I’m told we’re only 10 minutes in. That makes me very sad.
It’s going to be strange for Reasonable. It’s going to be stranger for Face. There’s no point in thinking about the logistics of a virgin vagina accepting the MASTERFUL COCK OF THE VAMPIRE, so I will do my best to stop with that immediately. Now they’re in a Volvo. Why can the vampires not afford a Mercedes or something? Are female vampires’ genitals just as dangerous to mortal men as vampire cocks are (/would be)? Whiny is whining as a wolf now. They’re in Rio, with Jesus. Of course.
Dancing in the street in Rio. They even kiss stupidly. Ooh! A boat! Are they going to the South Pole? That’s also an icy phallus. Isle Esme. I guess they have servants, because the house is completely ready. I like the door to the house, seriously. He asks, “Wanna take a look around,” as she is looking around. There’s the bed! Oh your gosh! They’re looking at each other across it. I really hate watching them act. They’re procrastinating. He’s getting undressed, and she’s running to the bathroom to psych herself up. The music is now super fast and supposed to be dirty. Why the fuck is she brushing her teeth? And her hair, before she goes swimming? That’s perfect. I hate her. Some idiot packed sexy underpants for her and she can’t deal with the sexy underwear. Why is the floor of the bedroom ceramic tile? Skinny dipping in the ocean does not sound like the best way to warm up for sex. I guess he’s been standing in the ocean, facing the moon, for the past hour of her dumbness in the bathroom.
Wow blue screen. Wow. Blue screen.
Apparently they’re supposed to have sex in the water to stop him from destroying her body with his penis? Oh, maybe not. Now they’re in the bed. Being a virgin on your wedding night is really stupid for the girl, regardless of partner. He’s breaking the room to stop breaking her? I guess she survived. The music is also whiny. There are feathers on her face. She’s still alive, and not wearing really dumb contact lenses, so she’s not a vampire yet. If a better actress were playing the role, her eyes in the mirror would be saying, “I’m a woman now.” I don’t know if this editing is her memory of the fucking or a montage of additional honeymoon sex.
He asks how she’s hurt and she’s trying to hide it from him. Sex bruises are OK, though. I like sex bruises. I know I’m dirty and I like sex and I like boobies and everything, but I’m not talking about sex more than the movie is. I truly wish the movie wasn’t talking about sex.
He’s sorry he hurt her, and she’s not. She thinks he’s ruining everything by apologizing and thinking about it. She’s really stupid if she can’t imagine sex gets any better. It was the best night of his existence, too. It’s sunny out. How come he’s not sparkling? And she’s mad because he won’t give her the dick anymore. And I’m confused because I thought they were worried about the cock itself and not just the fact that he can’t help but squeeze her shoulder. Dumb.
She keeps trying and he’s laughing at her. Oh, look! A waterfall. Is it symbolic? No, but she climbs on his back to jump down a supernatural distance. Because that’s safer than squeezing her arm. Also, they play chess. But he still won’t play sex. I really hate this movie.
Now she’s winning at chess. So she thinks that means she can jump him. What’s up with this editing? Oh, yeah, it’s a dream. And now she’s crying because he won’t do her. I think I know she’s already pregnant. Or is she? I don’t know. But she’s literally begging him for it. Why didn’t the sister put a dildo in with all that lingerie? I guess he’s giving in. Whiny is watching other people play (European) football. He’s not allowed to kill Cedric even if Cedric turns Face, even though that would be breaking the treaty, because this other asshole won’t let her. Oh, look! The servants, who are appropriately suspicious of them. They have legends about him.
Why is he wearing that shirt? I’ve lost my steam in complaining. He left her alone now in this mansion, with some kind of food. She’s cooking strange stuff. Maybe this means she’s pregnant. I don’t know. I don’t care that much.
Yeah, she’s pregnant. She’s puking. She doesn’t want him to see.
Twilight. Brought to you by Tampax.
Why did she bring a gigantic box of tampons on her honeymoon? OK. I guess they’ve been gone a long time. I’ll actually give them that one. And now we finally know that she’s pregnant. The movie should end here. If it did I would have to buy a lottery ticket. She’s already showing. This is that whole super-fast thing that I heard about. Her phone works on this fucking isolated island (also: south of Rio is not really warm), and it’s not a satellite phone, and the idiot Vampire with the long-distance sight thingy is already calling her. This is excellent. Except not really.
“Carlisle (I was wrong above – this is Doctor Vampire calling), I swear. Something just moved inside me.” And it’s not your brother. So now Cedric steals the phone and is talking about her in another language and mysteriously packing. That’s the foundation of an excellent marriage, right there. Communication.
WHY DO THEY HAVE TO LEAVE THE CAMERA ON HER FUCKING FACE FOR SO LONG?
Long, lingering montage of her accepting the fact that she’s pregnant. I’m sure she’ll rationalize it to happiness soon enough, instead of regretting the fact that she got married at 18, to a vampire or not. The woman is yelling at him in Spanish. But she won’t help him. He’s going to have to turn her. How is this a surprise? The music is even worse now. No, it’s not. It can’t be.
The woman tells Cedric to kill Face. Does she mean to turn her or to actually kill her? Probably the latter but the former will happen. He’s referring to the fetus as a thing, unironically. He broods. She’s either mad or also brooding. I can’t tell because she can’t act.
She picks up her phone, pushes the power button, and calls someone (another vampire?) to ask for assistance. Are they really riding a motorcycle, or is that Whiny? I can’t be sure because the rider is wearing a shirt. But it is, in fact, Whiny. Whiny is rude to Reasonable. Why is this other Chief Werewolf Wheelchair in a wheelchair?
Whiny is rude to Doctor Vampire, too. I would like to have the salary of the editor of this movie. Big reveal, for all you fucking dumbasses out there. But not yet… Now. How are they going to have this make sense to the mortals. Nobody knows what “it” is. They’re searching legends.
The makeup people do a much better job of getting her to look like shit than she does of acting like she feels like shit. Apparently she wants Doctor Vampire to “turn her at the last minute.” So Cedric, who is now blonder, is asking Whiny to talk some sense to her. But if he fails do to so, and she dies, Whiny gets to kill Cedric. So why would he bother with this shit? Dumb. I’m sorry that this section isn’t as funny as the beginning. I’m more ambivalent to the shittiness of the movie by now. It’s kind of like Stockholm Cinema Syndrome.
She’s calling it a miracle, because she’s pregnant, and she thinks it’s a boy. He’s still being a retard, but she’s just as stupid if she thinks she’s strong enough to bear the spawn of a demon. He’s too much of a whiny piece of shit to actually be constructive. He’s walking out. Is this the passive-aggressive werewolf version of tough love?
Finally, he rips his shirt in turning instead of taking it off! That excites me. They’re superimposing her face on his as he thinks about all these things that weigh on his mind, and he’s causing a traffic accident. Except that this is Twilight, so no bystanders will die. Instead, he’s calling the wolves together for some reason? Even though they all supposedly know that this is OK according to the treaty (or something, because technically it isn’t).
But it’s locationally-appropriate for them to meet in a lumber yard. Why are they talking as wolves? They want to kill her to kill the baby because they think the baby will kill all the people. These CG wolves growling at each other are rendered well, and still utterly unbelievable. I thought he was trying to usurp power, but instead he’s leaving. I think the wolves are going to attack now? So is he going to be a traitor and tell the vampires? Now there’s some sort of moral discussion with this secondary wolf character and Whiny. He’s getting on Whiny’s nerves, and I know the feeling.
Wow, direction! Whiny is now in league with the Cullens. I guess there’s a whole WOLF REVOLUTION going on now. “Alpha” Wolf’s sister (who, if I recall correctly, wants Whiny) has betrayed Alpha in order to share the plan with Whiny to share the plan with the vampires. All these politics are confusing.
Anyway, instead of a head-on attack the wolves are surrounding the Cullen Compound and biding their time. And they’re still talking wolf politics, passive-aggressively. I was right that the sister wants Whiny. Are there no eligible bachelors in this town? I guess she’s just desperate for some kind of imprint. Are all these movies and books really THEIR love story?
Twilight. Brought to you by Yahoo.
Montage of internet-based vampire spawn research.
Twilight. Brought to you by Apple.
Vampires and rebel wolves are becoming friends.
Face has a cracked rib. Cedric is upset. Doctor Vampire has a secret diagnosis: the fetus is not compatible with Face’s body. Her heart will give out before she can deliver. Why don’t they just turn her, already? Cedric won’t love the baby if she dies in childbirth. He’s actually mad at her, because she’s deciding what to do with her own body. They have a very complete medical setup in this house for a bunch of immortal, invulnerable beings. Is she doing a water birth?
Cedric’s eyes aren’t colorful in this shot. I'm too ignorant to know if that's a continuity problem or not. She’s shivering, lying alone on the couch. Whiny gets to warm the Face. He makes a big show of going to her—to touch her with one hand because that’s super-effective—and then chill her with passive aggression. It feels complete when they’re both in the room. I think she really wants a three-way.
The telepathic one is trying to interpret the thoughts of the fetus. Whiny thinks that the fetus wants blooooooood. All the other vampires are leaving, so they can do the DP thing before she dies. Pregnancy hormones are the best. No. That would be too entertaining.
Instead she’s going to drink a glass of blood. They’re covering a continuity error with ADR, “This’ll make it easier to take,” as she puts a soda cup to her lips. Face says the blood tastes good, and Cedric smiles?! How does this make sense? And eleven seconds later she’s getting stronger. I never knew Port Charles was in Washington.
She’s on the phone with Reasonable, lying to him quite inexpertly; but he’s only a local sheriff, and not too used to deciphering when people lie. He wants to see her, because he’s her father. This is really stupid, even within the context of a Twilight movie. I think she thinks that was her goodbye call to him. She did not handle it well.
Face and Cedric love each other. That’s nice. Apparently the first year of marriage is the hardest, especially when you get married after knowing each other for nineteen minutes. Cedric is starting to bond with the fetus telepathically. The fetus is developing like a human fetus, except that things like knowing the mother’s voice cannot be accelerated because they take multiple instances of exposure.
The fetus also has emotions, which feti don’t because they don’t really have perceptions. I’m stopping this now. To continue would be like questioning the general suspension of disbelief in a religious text.
Whiny sees happy family time and is jealous, until Doctor Vampire interrupts them to impart the dire news that they’re out of blood to feed the fetus, because nobody else in the house needs blood and they didn't realize they were running out until they were out. Or some other contrivance. Whiny appreciates that the Vampires like each other. He’s going to sacrifice himself to rob a hospital or something? No, he’s going to have a discussion with the people. Why is the lighting changing? Is it a compression problem, or is it supposed to be something about the way they think? It can’t be a compression problem; it’s too consistent.
Oh, he was distracting them so the vampires could run to get the blood, so I was kind of right the first time. And he’s also lying about killing the fetus. It’s an interesting tactic.
Vampire-werewolf fight, for which I’m barely prepared at the keyboard. Jumping, etc. Punching. Biting.
Wolves can’t jump ravines. That was a stupid plan by the wolves. Whiny’s ruse is up, but they’re not back with the blood yet. This seems like a pretty big mistake. The vampires don’t spend money on fancy cars. Why don’t the vampires have a helicopter? Or turn to bats?
Now they’re going to talk about baby names. Hooray. If it’s a boy, EJ. Edward Jacob (Vampire Werewolf). And there’s Renesme. That doesn’t make any sense, but it’s not worth being upset over when talking about this movie. The blood falls and the fetus wants to come out to drink it? This is dramatic. They’re giving her morphine intramuscularly and expect it to work immediately. They’re doing a C section with no local? Someone wanted to make her a vampire. Why do they have to get the fetus out before they can change her? This editing is very confusing. I guess the baby is out. Cedric’s face is bloody, anyway.
All of a sudden there’s no urgency to change her, even though her stomach is a gaping hole torn apart by a vampire. This baby is certainly not a newborn, but it only took six weeks (?) to grow, so that’s OK. The baby bit her. I don’t know if that’s enough to change her in this mythology. If there’s any deity around this world in which we live I won’t find out until my commitment subjects me to watch the sequel.
But I’m probably not that lucky. Whiny is doing CPR before they inject her with something to turn her. I don’t understand why they don’t just bite her. I don’t understand that science. I’m sure I said something not too long ago about how I’m being stupid. Whiny wants to make Cedric suffer because Face is dead instead of killing him. He just breaks promises left and right.
Wolves in the background. Why is this movie not over yet?
Her facial expression playing dead is exactly the same as it is playing alive, i.e. much more appropriate for the scene.
Now Cedric is biting her all over in another attempt to turn her. Whoah! Camera in the veins. She’s had so much of this shit I don’t know how she won’t be a super vampire. This is boring.
The baby is moving. Whiny is smelling things and being generally an asshat. Chief Wheelchair does not approve of killing Whiny. The wolves are only jogging, instead of sprinting, and their shirts are on; so you know it’s not REALLY a big impact on the story. Back at the Manor, Whiny has resolve. Is he going to try to kill the baby? Yes, but it’s OK because the baby knows. The baby looks right at him. Maybe it will start talking. This flashback implies that he made some other promise to protect the offspring.
Face is not moving yet. The wolves are coming, and I don’t understand how they ever thought there were enough vampires for this fight. Why are some of them just growling and others biting people? I don’t know, but I do like the idea of punching a werewolf in the face. Maybe I’d have a better chance of good jibes if the editing was more comprehensible. I will say that that shirt-rip sound effect was excellent.
Pause the fight! Whiny imprinted on the baby? So now the other wolves can’t hurt the baby. “It’s their most absolute law.”
A red sun rises. Blood has been shed this night.
Her heart is still beating, but that big pile of morphine they jabbed in her calf is causing difficulty in distributing the vampire fuel. There’s that face again. You know: the one she uses when there’s a camera in front of it. More internal blood camera shit, because nobody watching this movie knows what’s going to happen next.
I really thought it was over that time. Instead it’s a memory montage. All the shittiest frames of all the shittiest scenes in the past however many shitty movies flash before us. Also, she remembers what her parents looked like when she was three months old. Vampirism is great on the brain. She must be swimming in omega 3s now.
And, a shot of every fucking face on the “good” side leads to…
A wish for colon cancer on Bill Condon.