Director: Scott Charles Stewart
Writer: Scott Charles Stewart, Peter Schink
Starring: Paul Bettany, Lucas Black, Adrianne Palicki, dennis quiad, kate walsh, and caitlynn from the oc
Synopsis
god has decided that has doesn't like us anymore and begins the apocalypse (?) the archangel michael disagrees with god's plan, and therefore cuts his wings off to be the champion of mankind. there's a pregnant chick, like there always is. and, she, of course, is carrying a special baby of some sort.
The Woman
utterly, laughably, ridiculous. plus the plot is so full of holes it doesn't make any sense. SPOILER ALERT: so in this version of armageddon it's the angels who have possessed the weak of mind (like the ice cream man) to destroy the prophet baby because god is mad at us and has determined to "exterminate" mankind. so then michael must fight his bestest archangel buddy gabriel. gabriel still, of course, has his angelic powers not to mention his wings. *side note: why are all angels british? i guess the sun never does actually set on the british empire.* so lots of fighting and machine gun firing, (and ooh, ooh, gabriel has this magical heaven mace that can extend it's points and rotate really fast for shredding purposes) and gabriel kills our friend michael. lots of light, and disappearing on michael's deadness. then you think gabriel gets blown to smithereens by dennis quaid's ultimate sacrifice, but no. he finds those two crazy kids with the baby, who has been born at this point because it's almost the end of the movie, and voila! michael comes swooping down from heaven to save the baby. feathers and all. it seems our beloved god who has forsaken man, has let michael convince him of the errors of his ways and restored michael to full archangel status. huh? so everything is fine and dandy. baby lives with those two crazy kids to join the army of man. but wait. why is there still an army? hasn't god seen the error of his ways? did i not just mention that a mere 3 sentences and 2 questions ago? last shot is of happy go lucky kids driving in a car linda hamilton terminator style all blissful with their baby carrying an arsenal in the back of the car. why is there still a need for that? wasn't the army of possessed men angels? if they were angels wouldn't their god have told them "oops. my bad. come on back up to heaven."?
i also forgot to mention that when michael was killed as a mortal, his tattoos magically transferred to boy kid's body, and they were supposed to follow the instructions on the tattoos. it's a good thing they could read angel symbol alphabet, because that shit was not in english.
I liked this movie once I understood what happened. This is obviously the case of a low budget horror someone decided to throw way to much money at. Along with the money came 1.) plot must be more epicer 2.) must have happy ending 3.) more exposition because mainstream audience is retarded.
ReplyDeleteIf this was billed more as a bunch of people trapped in a building while things kill them movie and not a gods angels with machine guns movie i think it wouldn't have been so bad. maybe.
can you please explain the giant plot holes to me nooch?
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