Queue Total

284 MOVIES (released titles only)

Note: Real spoilers are in black text on a black background. Highlight the black areas to read the spoilers.

Queue Numbers

#50- Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown

#100- Black Swan

#200- Mysteries of Lisbon

Last- Once Upon a Time in Anatolia

Friday, August 27, 2010

Lie with Me

Lie With Me (2005)
Directed by Clement Virgo (proudly)
Written by Clement Virgo, Tamara Berger (book and movie)
Starring Lauren Lee Smith, Eric Balfour

girl likes to have sex. girl likes to have sex with a particular dude. dude's father dies. girl can't handle his grief. girl leaves like the next day. they miss having sex together. they go crazy not having sex together. they have sex together.

I've decided to call it ironic rather than intentional that as the characters' relationship moves from casual to serious the sex on screen moves from hot to tepid in this needlessly pretentious pile of mid-core porn.  Leila starts off as a free-spirit, fucking who and when she chooses and ends up devoted to David despite his skeeviness in both action and appearance.  Each of them has a personal trial from which their sadness is understandable but for which the other is emotionally unavailable; and that's just one of the reasons why it's completely unbelievable that they would end up with such a strong desire to be together. They share maybe one scene which doesn't end with them fucking and we don't have enough background on the characters to believe that such a relationship would be enough to inspire such devotion.  In fact, what little background we do see is antithetical to developing the kind of state of mind required.

There is no chemistry at all between them as characters or actors even though his dick is actually in her mouth something like every ten minutes (*my* Leila was timing it).  They each play their roles as marionettes, animated by a wizard who hasn't worked out all the details of the spell just yet and very likely never will.  The movie is full of things that are intended to make us believe that we're watching a true master at work.  But we're watching the worst kind of un-self aware hackery.  Ooh, did you see that handheld shot to see how nervous she is?  Isn't it neat how the picture is grainier when the characters are in an unclear or seedy situation?  Don't you agree that it's a beautiful shot of her bicycling down the street with her hair flowing?  How risquee!  That's some possibly-explicit oral sex.  The answers are: Who cares? So? Not really; and Did you see The Brown Bunny? [Note: I'm not exactly endorsing that movie either.]

This movie started as a two and a half or so, slid down into the two range pretty quickly, and ended right on a 1 as I wished for nothing more than at least one of the leads to just fucking die.

The Woman
totally pointless movie. this chick acts like a whore and gets upset when the dude calls her on it. literally all they do is have sex. the minute they have a conversation things fall apart. she gets totally freaked out and leaves when dude's father dies because he's sad, and she gets upset that he can't understand the intense loss she's feeling because....wait for it... her parents are separating and selling their house. this is totally logical thinking. these two events are soooo similar and comparable. you would think that the whole point to the movie is that they don't really have a relationship at all, but it's not because after they "break up" for lack of a better word, they go crazy because neither of them can get off. so they, of course, go back to fucking one another in this intense, can't live with out each other, this point they should have just cut out each others tongues because obviously she's an ass, and he's just totally sketchy. did i mention the second after she left he started hooking up with his ex, that he made an ex because he just had to have sex with whorey asshole chick? yeah. they are totally star crossed lovers with a never ending relationship of love.

this movie was  romantic comedy plot A, only there was no romance, and no comedy. it was just chock full o' penis and stupid.

p.s. eric balfour looks like a total sketch ball, and not in a good way, in a i'll steal your wallet for some heroin way, and i could have lived my entire life with out seeing his penis....20 skabillion times. i sort of felt like a doctor at life drawing class towards the end of the movie. completely desensitized to genitals.


  1. I feel desensitized to genitals, and I've only ever seen my own...

  2. If you've only ever seen your own then you're probably too young to be reading this blog.