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284 MOVIES (released titles only)

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#50- Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown

#100- Black Swan

#200- Mysteries of Lisbon

Last- Once Upon a Time in Anatolia

Monday, February 7, 2011

Command Performance

Command Performance (2009)

Writer: Steve Latshaw, Dolph Lundgren
Director: Dolph Lundgren
Starring: Dolph Lundgren

a "heavy metal" rocker in russia is trying to thwart a russian militant group's attampt to extort the russian government when they hold the russian president and his two russian pre-teen girls hostage at an american pop princess's russia.

Hah.  Hah hah.  Hah hah hah.

Based on the name in the info, I came into this one at like the 20 minute mark.  After another five minutes or so I muted it and sought a later showing.  This is a movie which was quite fun to laugh at but which you really don't have to watch on your own.  I also have a feeling that our reviews will be quite similar here, in content if not in tone.

It kind of makes you feel sorry for Dolf.  Again he's trying to channel the success of Stallone, and failing miserably.  It's like he encapsulated every silly hostage movie he'd seen or read into an outline and let someone else fill in the details.  We had a hard time deciding if he was supposed to be Bruce Willis or Steven Sagal.  We were waiting for him to say some codeword or something and have the people on the outside recognize him either personally as a super agent or generally as a cop, but maybe to the story's credit he's actually supposed to be some dude who was just really good at bar fights in California.  But that's not a lot of credit, because it's the only story element which steps above "rote."

Similarly with the direction, you can really hear the voices of other directors in his head as he sets up the scenes and lays out the pieces.  In this scene the lights go out.  In this one he disarms someone by grabbing the gun which is pointed at him.  In this one people are creeping through an air duct.  He tried to manufacture tension, but he failed as both a director and a writer.  How do you expect people to be surprised by what happens in this movie?  The production itself is probably the easiest to understand.  This is exactly the amount of money that someone would put into a movie written by, directed by, and starring Dolf Lundgren; and these are exactly the caliber of supporting actors that could be afforded within that budget.

This movie is shit; but not, "You'd better come and take a look at this before I flush it," shit.
The Woman
this was a find on one of the movie channels where we just couldn't ignore the description. this was also a classic and obvious case of someone trying to regain their youth and former glory as a movie star and failing miserably. our dear dolph came off as creepy, old, and dated instead of the cool rocker. we kept having discussions in the midst of our viewing whether he was trying to be more like "die hard" or "under seige" so we came up with "under hard" for a working title. it also doesn't bode well for dolph being the writer. every girl under twenty kept telling him how hot he was.....ummmmmm...gross. he's a hard fifty something. age has not come gracefully to mr. lundgren. it looks like drago has begun to melt under the greenhouse effect. this was a laugh for a little while, but it got tiresome in it's desperateness. i yelled at moster for making us watch it and then doze through it. it was not cool in any way. unlike sly stallone's 'rambo" or the awesomeness that was "jcvd" i think dolph should watch those and take a couple of notes. intestinal confetti and burmese babies on pikes being thrown into structure fires is a plus, and being able to act might help as well. just sayin'.

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