Sunday, November 6, 2011
Writer: Brian DePalma
Director: Brian DePalma
Starring: romjin-stamos before the non stamos status, Antonio Bandaras- sort of.
Female high-end thief conspires to double-cross her co-thieves on a big heist. Things go badly for her; and in running away she gets confused for a woman who just lost her baby and takes a bath in that woman's parents' house and watches her commit suicide. Then she impersonates that woman and becomes the wife of the American Ambassador to France and she gets blackmailed, but not for that.
She also fucks Antonio Bandaras on a pool table. Through the course of this movie there are more double- and triple-crosses...
sigh. i don't find the romjin attractive. she seems incredibly plain jane to me. i suppose she has a nice ass, but that's like saying a car is awesome because of the chrome fender. she is also a H-O-R-R-I-B-L-E actress. nothing like a starring role to point that small fact out. she was a way better actress in french which i find really funny.
so onto the actual movie: i felt like this movie was treating me, an audience member, like the kid that eats glue, hits his head on the wall, and has an excessive amount of drooliness. i was actually offended at how dumb i was being treated. people don't have to wear the same outfits when they're introduced 7 years later for me to figure out who they are. there were also amazing situations that were beyond the scope of suspending disbelief. and THEN the movie took the stupid jumping the shark patrick duffy wants his old dallas job back, but we killed off his character approach. which threw me into the anger and hatred stage of this movie.
i realize this was a kind of homage to the film noir of old hollywood. that fact was hammered into my face with all the subtly of a hammer in my face. however, the music was overbearing, and the directing and editing were crazy over the top. sophisticated homages to old school movies are possible. it's been done. i feel like this was an outdated, poorly acted, k-mart version of a burberry trench coat.
...Also there is a distinct lack of subtlety.
There are ways you can look at this movie where it's not quite as annoying as it actually is. You could say that Ms. Stamos is attractive--and she is, if you don't mind a bit of the buttah--but she's pretty well on par with Haley Berry in that fucking X Men movie.
You could say that Antonio Bandaras's over-the-top retardation is fun, but you'd be wrong about that one. You could say that that one sex scene with the two chicks in the bathroom in the beginning is fairly hot. You'd be right about that, but you'd only tease people into watching the rest of the movie for no real reason. All I know for sure is that as far as this movie is concerned it's the greatest thing since The Sixth Sense.
True, it took us a bit (probably a little longer than it should, because we weren't rapt with attention) to work out the TWIST but in retrospect it was clear much earlier on. And when the viewer is clued in to this masterstroke of 9th grade storytelling it, just like any good 9th grader, dances around in circles with its tongue out because it got you in this cosmic joke thingy.
Seriously, that's how this thing reads: like the final paper in a high school English course on literary devices.