The Eclipse

 The Eclipse (2009)



Not to be confused with a certain popular, teen obsession, vampire drama


Director: Conor McPherson
Writer: Conor McPherson(screenplay) Billy Roche (story)
Starring: Ciaran Hinds, Iben Hjejle, Aiden Quinn
Synopsis
a man, who has recently lost his wife to cancer, drives authors around for some sort of author's retreat. he experiences some paranormal sightings, and befriends an author who has written on the subject.

The Woman
this was good. the way the paranormal stuff was presented was so subtle, it made the hairs on my neck stand up, and i (hate to admit it) actually jumped in one part, then giggled it off. also the way this was directed also helped the paranormal stuff blend seamlessly into a realistic telling. the characters were often filmed as silhouettes, or in shadow, and the staff at this retreat were dressed as turn of the century house staff for some unknown reason. sometimes i wasn't sure what was going on, but not in a bad way. good story. good directing. good acting. aiden quinn plays a real huge asshole really well.

i do want to make clear that this wasn't really a paranormal ghost story. it was a story of a man finding his way after a big loss in his life. the ghosty stuff was really just a side note. the way someone would relay a paranormal experience in real life.

Bottle Shock

Bottle  Shock (2008)
Directed by  Randall Miller
Written by Jody Savin, Randall Miller
Starring Son of Hornell, New York, Captain Kirk-A, Rico from Six Feet Under, That Rickman Dude, Dennis Farina

Synopsis
the story of how napa and sonoma became respected vineyards to the woooorld. on our 200th anniversary as a country to boot. yay for patriotism. america. fuck yeah. hooray for the underdog. we knew you could do it. where's disney when you need them?

MOster
This is a true story.  The story of watching a movie.  It even has title cards.

Until the one-hour mark, my biggest complaint about this thing was that it appeared the executive producer's brother-in-law owns an aerial photography business.  We GOT that they were in a valley, with rolling hills and beautiful grapes.  I was pleased with the acting, direction, and other camera work; and the production elements (especially the music) gelled into a decent period piece.  There were also a few pretty good jokes about British people.

Then.

You know when you go to the science museum and you watch the spiral/funnel thing, and the marble (or quarter, if you're at the carnival) kind of jiggles as it goes along the spiral but at the end its path gets more and more straight, and then it falls into the hole?  The brother-in-law's last quarter went into one of those machines.  Maybe that was the impetus for this entire movie.

The Woman
i was bored by the beginning of this movie. i'm not a wine connoisseur, and i always see prickish pretentious snobbery in it. i didn't like "sideways" either. ooooh, this wine has hints of tangerine, lavender and oak. eh. a big fat raspberry in your face.  so yeah, bored and internally rolling my eyes for the first section of our viewing, then it got too feel good, for feel good movies, and i was rolling my eyes outwardly, and unashamed. there is a line that can be crossed from feel good into diabetic coma. i was there. everything got wrapped up into a pretty little tiffany's box with a white ribbon bow.  yay. not only has our vineyard been saved, but we are a wonderful country. seriously, it was hard to shove down my throat. there was some tamping to keep it in and get me to the many happy ends. i'm vomiting a little in my mouth reliving it for this review. i'm more a fan of.......and then the vineyard was robbed, and everybody was shot in the face, and the caliber of the gun was so great, and at such close range, that the dental records could not be used to identify the bodies so there had to be a mass burial at the vineyard which is now cursed and no grapes will grow on the hillside. and also in rickman's wine shop in paris the building was set ablaze. there were no survivors, but a charred and disfigured dennis farina. the police suspect the french vineyard farmers coalition (that one was moster's). there that made me feel a little better. balance has been restored to the universe.

The Art of the Steal

The Art of the Steal (2009)


Director: Don Argott

Synopsis
the story of the barnes art collection. 30ish billion dollars worth of modern and post- impressionist art, collected for the love and respect of it. stolen by the american aristos for their greediness and dollar signs, in a completely tragic and underhanded way.

The Woman (though i may have to watch this again with moster because it's that good)
i have a healthy disdain for the upper crust and their bullshit, and this just played right into that. the fact that this actually happened is appalling and unfortunately, unsurprising. the way the documentary presents this is an awesome curmudgeon collected all this fabulous art in the 20's and told the museum world to suck it when they caught on to the fact that these were actually masterpieces. and the last 30 years have been spent, in direct violation of his will and trust, legally stealing the art from where it was intended to be forever. i guess it's a good reminder that the man is very hard to beat with his piles of money and political power. he can do whatever he wants with your stuff, especially after you've died.

 i actually had a hard time paying attention towards the end because my mind had been blown by the injustice of it. i kept thinking back to the "herb and dorothy" documentary and how the theme in that was art for the people, and sharing your collection as an homage to art history, but if this guy didn't want the jerks in power to see his collection and only opened his doors to the public every once and awhile that's his prerogative. he collected this work, he gets to decide, even after he's gone the ultimate fate of what happens to it. he doesn't owe the public anything. he could have burnt it if he wanted to. i'm getting outraged again...

essentially, dr. barnes had an ongoing feud with the uptight, nixon loving, owner of the philidelphia inquirer, and unfortunately, was outlived a long shot by this douche. douche wriggled his way, and got exactly what he wanted, exactly the opposite of what douches wishes for his own art collection after his death. douche.

there are some great moments of outrage in this. where i giggled outloud in solidarity with the people fighting the man. things like yelling "philistines!" to the philidelphia elite celebrating their pirated booty, in the middle of a sentence for an interview.

in closing, i just want to say to governor rendell and philidelphia "fuck you, you assholes!" i hope all your shit gets stolen.

Late-to-the-MOster
This was a decent doc.  I'd like to think that I take a slightly different approach to documentaries in that I have little difficulty differentiating the style of the presentation, the quality of the information presented, and the impact of that information. As with much of the "better" media we consume--I'm referring specifically to the Red Riding films at the moment--this just serves to show how fucked up and corrupt the system when you get much past the local level. 

The style itself started out as unbearable but it calmed down nicely.  While the film had a clear point of view on the information it presented, it did give screen time to the opposing viewpoint; and the fact that many people declined to present their opposing view only served to reinforce the validity of the point being made.

There's a third view which wasn't presented at all, and that's because neither party in the debate as shown would agree with it.  That's the notion that ownership is antithetical to art.  I'd like to have seen that discussed at least a little here.

I agree that (as usual) a great injustice was done to someone who went to great length to protect his vision, but I'm not sure if I agree with my esteemed counterpart that we should boycott the resulting travesty.  In fact, I'm not sure that he'd want us to (providing that we could do it without giving the assholes any money, of course).

Extract

Extract (2009) 
Written by Mike Judge 
Directed by Mike Judge 
Starring Jason Bateman, Mila Kunis, J.K. Simmons, Kristen Wiig, Ben Affleck, I said the cameo was Sam Rockwell but I meant Hal Sparks, Gene Simmons, that dude who did the sports in Anchorman


Synopsis
Dude owns a factory which makes extracts of various flavors (e.g. vanilla, root beer?).  At the advice of a stupid bartender, he hires a gigolo to fuck his wife (who is far too reluctant to fuck him) so he can feel good about fucking Mila Kunis, who is a decent con artist and trying to get as much as possible from everybody.

The Womanest Woman of the World
i don't know how i feel about this one. i don't think i would recommend? it wasn't funny enough, or serious enough, or enough of a character study. it's like there was no decision made on what this movie was ultimately gonna be. almost all of the characters were too caricature-y and over the top in a too subtle way. does that make sense? ha. i just read moster's take and we used the exact words. oh well. no, i don't think i would recommend for anyone to see this, and that's unfortunate because i like mike judge.

MOster
Yeah, this was a little weird.  It all made sense, and it all tied together in the (spoiler alert?) predictable ending.  But the plot elements were a little too over the top at a high level for individual characters who seemed to be less caricature then they were intended and this notion carries through to the direction.  I think the problem here stems from the wide gap of time since Judge was last in a cubicle.  Or, maybe it comes from my cynicism about people and they're not quite so ridiculous in the real world.  This would have been more successful if it had gone farther afield.

The acting was all pretty good, actually, with Mila Kunis doing a much better job than she did in Max Payne.  As the one with the most lines by far, Bateman did a fine job; but there were more standouts in the supporters.  The factory workers (who I'm too lazy to look up) were funny, and I'd like to see Affleck staying in roles such as this rather than starring in anything short of Kevin Smith.  David Koechner stole every cringe-inducing scene he graced.  His character and performance were reminiscent of the finest Gervais.  I suppose I should also talk about Gene Simmons, but I don't want to.

Other technical stuff was fine enough.  The one big Rube Goldberg scene came together nicely, and everything else showed craft but not much creativity.

I think I expected more of Mike Judge.  I held Idiocracy in much higher regard than most people and Office Space is a classic in my circle.  But this was nothing better than a solid C with a quizzical look.

City of Ember

City of Ember (2008)


Director: Gil Kenan
Writer: Caroline Thompson (screenplay) Jeanne Duprau (book)
Starring: Harry Treadaway, Saoirse Ronin, Bill Murray, Martin Landau, Tim Robbins has a couple lines


Synopsis
to preserve mankind "the builders" built a city underground with instructions on how to get back above ground after 200 years. the instructions are lost after some time, and the underground city of ember begins to fall apart. blackouts and lack of food and corrupt government and all that. a girl and boy put together what's going on and try to figure out how to get out to save the citizens of ember.

MOster
Yeah, this was alright.  It was a kids' movie, but more tolerable than may of the kids' movies I've seen recently.  The plot was pretty basic, as well it should be; and everything came together probably better than it usually does.

The child actors were probably a little above average as well, and the grownup actors were for the most part having a really good time.  I think that Bill Murray and Tim Robbins could have done a better job at wiping the smiles off of their faces.  Ditto Martin Landau.

Direction and editing were on a similar level to everything else, but where this differentiated itself from other movies with a similar target audience was in the production.  It wasn't particularly schnazzy, but it was much more consistently environmental than what I'm used to seeing.  It was clearly one kid's dream or one person telling a story rather than a series of disparate elements.

So, you could do a lot worse than to expose your children to this movie as it won't drive you insane quite so quickly.  But there's no need to watch it if you don't have kids.


The Woman
 not a bad kids movie. it held my interest. i'm sure the book is better, as they tend to be. i think there were some details left out of the movie. not super important details, just details. i would not mind if my kid watched this over and over. better this than most of the other crud that's out there for kids. good plot. good subplot message. yay for a little creativity.

RocnkRolla

RocknRolla (2008)
Written by Guy Ritchie
Directed by Guy Ritchie
Starring Gerard Butler, Tom Wilkinson, Mark Strong

Synopsis
Big London Gangster contrives to lend money to Small London Crew and then pull the development permit from under their feet to bully them into coming up with a bunch of money.  (Spoiler alert!) they pay him off in the first half hour. 

BLG's ex stepson steals a painting which was lent by a Big Russian Gangster, to whom BLG is selling political influence.  Hijinks ensue. 

SLC gets a tip from BRG's accountant and steals the money.  That's how they pay off their land deal.  Then SLC gets the same tip and does it again.  Hijinks ensue.

Hijinks collide.

The Woman
i wasn't expecting much from this, so....um....i guess i was indifferent with the mediocre plot. i kind of stopped paying attention for the middle 45 minutes or so because the table runner i'm crocheting was more exciting. i'm thinking guy ritchie only knows how to make the same movie, and yet with each remake the quality degrades. like a photocopy of a photocopy of a photocopy. you can't fool me, sir. i've seen this movie before. confusing and convoluted crime story about criminals who owe money. isn't there any other sort of crime you could breakdown and recreate to form a giant hardcore soap opera where everyone is connected to everyone else, and someone is confused about the paternity of their baby? is the crime world that small? or is it that there are cliques in the underbelly? like a highschool? could you make a musical, mr. ritchie? or is that what that one with madonna was? i didn't catch that one. are you secretly the head writer for abcfamily's 'pretty little liars'? hmmmmm.... shoplifting is a crime. tax evasion? speeding? i think a movie about compulsive speeders might be more thrilling of a movie. i haven't seen that one twice before.

seriously, this was exactly the same movie as those other two you've made. please stop.

MOster
I remember with great clarity the first time I saw, "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels."  I can't tell you the last time I saw it--it must've been more than five years ago--but it really left me with something.  This was at the height of a period of Tarantino-influenced cinema, but Ritchie stood out from the herd by taking the new conventions and turning them on their ear.  The double- and triple-crosses weren't innovative in themselves, but the way they were presented and the ease with which the characters came to them seemed a natural evolutionary step.

In the intervening years, Tarantino has gone on to opi across diverse genres and expanded his style to each.  Say what you will about his product, but it hasn't stagnated.  One can't expect many people to parallel such a rise, but I'd like to see some sort of movement or growth from someone who left my mouth watering.  When I saw, "Snatch," I saw a shadow of "Lock Stock"; and when I saw this in the house I didn't realize it was Guy Ritchie until I saw his name in the credits.

The "maturity" of this film comes from colossally bad choices.  The removal of the explicit violence dims the brightest points in Ritchie's earlier work while the joy of seeing characters as cows spiraling past Helen Hunt on their way down to the eye of a tornado is diluted to, "Oh, that guy.  I know that guy."  But everything else is exactly Ritchie's deal, from the rough music to the jumpy camera to the seedy locales.  The differences are just big enough to have required human interaction with the computer, and that's the most disappointing part of all.

The Rocker

The Rocker (2008)


Director: Peter Cattaneo
Writer: Maya Forbes, Wallace Wolodarsky, Ryan Jaffe
Starring: Rainn Wilson, Teddy Geiger, Josh Gad, Emma Stone

Synopsis
drummer of a hair band gets dropped as the band gets signed. he vows revenge. twenty years later they're berjiliionaires, he works for a shelving company? he gets fired, dumped, and moves in with his sister and her family. son is in a band who needs a drummer. coincidence? they play prom. they get picked up to do a tour. he is a rock guru, and cheerleader.

MOster
I really don't have a lot to say about this movie, at least in essay form. Leila missed one important thing in the synopsis: There's the whole "naked drummer" thing in which these poor kids, rehearsing over some sort of super-phenomenal video conference thing, become a YouTube sensation because the Wilson character is naked.  That wasn't funny.  Pans across leotarded mens' crotches aren't funny.  Anachronistic cell phones used to be funny.  Extremely sweaty dudes are not funny.

The most fun we had in watching this was Leila laughing at me for logging our laughs.  I used a scale which is relative only to this movie, where a 1.0 represents approximately 10 seconds of laughter.  In seven individual incidents, Leila's total reached 4.95.  In 13 individual, charitably-assigned incidents, my total score was 0.676 (yes, I got to the thousandths place).  In other words, this was not funny.

This movie hit exactly every beat.  After about the 20th minute you'll have seen all the constants and all the variables.  It doesn't take a genius to work out the entire rest of the 100.


The Woman
um despite the three names in the "written" category of this bloggy thang, i truly believe this came out of the plot-o-tron 9000. some hollywood executive fed the plot-o-tron little details like 'rock band', and 'has been', and 'comedy' and the plot-o-tron came out with this most unoriginal movie that's been done a quadrillion times over. i mean, there was not one thing in this movie that hadn't been done before. i told moster when we had finished watching it in it's entirety that it was a movie that could have never been made. if we're friends and you liked this movie, i may have to question our friendship, or maybe just your IQ. it made it to our queue because i hold out hope for rainn wilson. he was just so incredibly awesome in 'six feet under'...we don't watch the office.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2009)
Written by Nikolaj Arcel, Rasmus Heisterberg, Stieg Larsson (novel)
Directed by Niels Arden Oplev
Starring Michael Nyqvist, Noomi Rapace

Synopsis
Getting a six month leave before a sentence for libel against a large corporation, a magazine reporter is commissioned by the owner of another conglomerate to investigate the disappearance of a niece who also used to watch the reporter as a kid.  The woman responsible for vetting the reporter before he was hired also becomes involved in the investigation.

The Woman
i started to watch this in moster's absence, but decided it was too good for him to miss out on. i enjoyed this greatly. i didn't know much about this so going into it i had no idea what it was going to be like. i thought from the way it was advertised it was a story of revenge, but apparently it's a murder mystery. really well told. i would recommend to anyone....unless you don't like to read subtitles...then you can go be a jerk by yourself, and never know what a great movie you missed out on. there were no hints as to the resolution of the mystery, and i can dig that. there was no way to guess who the culprit was before it was revealed to the characters. me likey-ed. that rarely happens and that should tell you something.

reminiscent of "the crimson rivers' which, i know, sounds like a movie about menstruation, but is, in fact, a great french murder mystery starring jean reno

MOster
This is the sort of movie where the 4 is more like a 4.25 or a 4.5.  While it didn't leave me gasping it was very much worth the 150-minute runtime.  Nothing felt out of place, and nothing fell or jumped off of the tapestry.  Craft wins the day handily.

The real standout here is the writing.  Based on a book and later re-imagined into some sort of Scandinavian mini series, this really held my interest.  The two leads come from vastly different places to wind up in a similar boat and work together to find a real solution.  There was no need for scenes or dialog dedicated to exposition, or maybe the entire movie was just one big piece of exposition.  Going through to the secondary (and even some of the tertiary) characters, each presence or personality was drawn clearly and each had apparent motivations.  I especially like how Lisbeth's backstory comes out slowly.

Writing alone can't realize single-scene characters, and the fully competent--but not ground-breaking--direction takes you most of the rest of the way there. Oplev was fully in line with what the movie needed to accomplish and shepherded each member of the cast to exactly the right place.  This competence extends to the camera.  Shots of the few action sequences are completed with seamless camera moves and the more-sedate majority of the film is not overdone for the sake of flourish.  These elements are combined into a polished product by a skillful editor.

The actors bring us to the finish line.  The two leads bring to their performances exactly what's required.  That might sound like a dig, but this isn't the sort of movie where you want your actors to jump out at the camera.  Coming from an obviously white collar place, Nyqvist gives us a Mikael who is reserved and pensive, while Rapace wears Lisbeth's emotions on her sleeve more often and when she has to hold back the difference in face and demeanor betrays her frustration perfectly.  Their chemistry takes some time to develop, just like it would in real life and the end up making a truly believable team.

It's usually easy to sit on the couch and watch a murder mystery and second guess the characters and joke together to about our predictions long before they hit the screen.  The flip side of this is that people never do the simplest things to get themselves out of situations.  Neither of those conditions held true in this utterly satisfying film.

The Answer Man

The Answer Man (2009)


Director: John Hindman
Writer: John Hindman
Starring: Jeff Daniels, Lauren Graham, Lou Taylor Pucci

Synopsis
this author guy wrote this book called 'me and god' and everyone thinks he's amazing and has all the answers to their philosophical questions. in reality, he's a cranky recluse grieving the loss of his father. he meets chiropractor with kid. he also meets a recovering alcoholic bookstore owner.

The Woman
this was a good little independent (? i'm too lazy to actually look it up. i only have until my kid finishes that piece of banana bread) romantic comedy. it amused and entertained me. i could have done with a better ending. this is not to say the ending was crappy, but i feel there were things left to tell. i didn't want it to end, which i guess says something. i can't believe i'm gonna write this, but...it was one of those feel good movies. in the same vein as 'dan in real life'. a little less sad though. it also reminded me of 'gigantic' in it's indie-ish humor and love story. i would recommend to people if you like the before mentioned movies

Repo: The Genetic Opera

Repo: The Genetic Opera (2008)


Written By: Darren Smith, Terrence Zdunick
Directed By: Darren Lynn Bousman
Starring Paul Sorvino, Alexa Vega, Anthony Head, Sarah Brightman

Synopsis
near future where people have contracted some sort of organ failure disease. private company takes control. loans organs out. you can't make your payment, the repo-man comes. mostly about the evil man who owns geneco, his family, and the family he has vowed revenge upon. musical.

MOster
I've spent a fair amount of time over the past 18 hours thinking about this movie and I've decided that I liked it more than not.  This could be because it's the rocky island on which we've found temporary respite from  the recent ocean of shit, but I don't think so.  There were flaws aplenty, but at the end of the hour and a half we were discussing the film.  We weren't bitching or commiserating about commercial hackery; we were conversing about its merits and  faults.

The story is soap-operatic, but it led to a satisfactory conclusion which fit what preceded it.  The main characters each had a discernible (interconnected) backstory. The supporting characters were largely caricatures, and this worked nicely to hold up the stars.  Given the nature of opera as an art form, it's par for the course that the roles were largely overacted, and I don't think the cast (including Paris Hilton, whose Razzie award doesn't really work for me) can be faulted for quite obviously following the directions they were given.  Singing here was quite good.  Brightman is a singer, of course, but Sorvino really belted it and the others weren't far behind.  None of my research can find a mention of Autotune. If it was employed it was either a newer version or a more-subtle use.

This film had a real, consistent aesthetic.  Almost every element played into that perspective, and I especially liked how lighting in even the most affluent of settings provided at least a small element of squalor.  Effects must have been a mix of CG and more-tangible techniques, but they came together to form a single backdrop.  Makeup was very good.  Semi-still cartoons were used for flashbacks, and while this worked I would have liked it better if the film had supported itself without them.  Similarly, there was one fantasy sequence which wasn't differentiated enough from its surroundings.

This movie could have knocked my socks off.  It should have blown me away, but too often the filmmakers tried too hard in the wrong places, sacrificing things which should have been nurtured.  The soundtrack opened strongly with techno/industrial instrumentals and singing which fit the visual perfectly, but all too often it widened to a more-classical style which didn't quite fit.  Vocals and storytelling couldn't be done in such a harsh style, but nobody tried hard enough to find a middle ground.  There were plenty of missed opportunities for dancing which would have fit perfectly into the story and the look.  One particular scene in a street could have been so much more without a lot of effort. 

This might have been one case where some more studio intervention could have improved a piece of art.   Because this was unquestionably art, but it was too much student art. Peeking out behind apprentices who were not ready to summon such power, the phantom of potential taunted us at every turn.


The Woman 
i couldn't decide if i liked this while i was watching it. there was a lot going for it, but it was missing something. i couldn't tell you what. when i started to lean in the 'this is pretty neat' direction it went too goth for goth's sake. it appealed to the angsty teenager i used to be, but it got a little too hot topic in some places. my reaction to liking this at some level might be the fact that we've been watching such incredibly terrible movies lately. the plot was very drama, and that was the point. operatic. i keep writing "i like" and then erasing it....i appreciated the direction. it was like a long music video. lower budget than 'moonwalker' but i kept thinking about that in my brain. 'moonwalker' i mean. 'tankgirl' also popped into my brain..... hmmmmm. ok imagine michael jackson hanging out at hot topic with lori petty. if you like that image than you may be interested in viewing this movie.

2012

2012 (2009 heh)
Written by Roland Emerich (holy fuck, really?), Harald Kloser
Directed by Roland Emerich
Starring John Cusack, fuck you Amanda Peet, the bad guy from "Serenity," Oliver Platt, Young Sean from "Psych," 19,000,000 secondary and tertiary characters, and one small dog

Synopsis
12/21/12 sounds just as cool in Julian as it did in Mayan.  Solar flares start getting really rough (while simultaneously causing shockwaves, earthquakes, and tsunami to move just a little bit slower than human running speed) and the world reshapes itself EXCRUCIATINGLY SLOWLY while John Cusack proves why he's the next great action star.  27 days later, Everest is in Africa and it's time for humanity to resettle  (spoiler alert) The end.  Also, Oliver Platt was totally right.

The Woman
if we weren't in a really crappy movie run i don't think we would have made it to the end of this junk. we watched it in fourish parts, and by the secondish installment i realized just exactly how much i didn't care about a single thing in this movie. terrible doesn't even cover what this was. i think i may have enjoyed 'the day after tomorrow' better, and let me just tell you folks, that's saying something. not only was the "science" of the movie completely crap, but it only applied in certain parts. a.k.a somewhere in the beginning middle, someone in a plane says that all communication has been lost. assuming because of the wild and crazy electro-magnetic fields going rogue on earth's ass? anyway, back to the messed up plot...10 minutes later, someone's communicating emergency related suspense via cell phone. there is no more earth on earth, but there is still a working tower somewhere. i think i actually heard john cusack's legitimate career give a death gasp. and unfortunately the main characters survived to see the dawn of waterworld. except for africa, which can magically float, because the giraffes they "saved" on the u.s.s. ark may have drowned? what? maybe because even though it is the most war torn continent, god loves it best. good entertainment? no. because it is so coveted by the white man and now it is within his grasp? because it's a thing that makes you go insane? like "if it weren't for that horse, i never would have spent that year in college? also this movie was about 2and a half hours too long. if you haven't subjected yourself to it, please, for my sake, don't. damn, that extension cord that prevented the main hull door from closing, on a quadrillion dollar boat, made by the chinese, engineered by buddhist monks (?) while a tidal wave that submerged everest was upon them. it couldn't have been as magically strong for a few more seconds? something should have spent more time doing the shake weight....like the writer/ director

holy crap this movie was terrible

MOster
This movie felt interminable.  Each of its three acts felt interminable.  It really seemed like each extra got a resolution.

John Cusack really should not be any kind of action star; yelling is not his forte.  And, seriously, a big "fuck you" to Amanda Peet and her character.  Leila didn't think that her boyfriend was as big of an asswipe as I did, but he acted well.  Oliver Platt was believable as the White House advisor who (inadvertently or not) stages a coup near the beginning of the beginning of the end of the end of the middle.  Possibly the most believable character was the one played by the kid from Psych; and Woody Harrleson obviously had a good time playing the kook, but he still wasn't worth watching.

I have all these notes about the suspension-of-disbelief stuff, but they're not funny enough and this movie isn't worth the time it would take me to punch them up.  As for the "real" technical, if you want a more-entertaining, better-acted Roland Emmerich movie with better CG, watch ID4.

The epilogue is prefaced with

"Day 27 Month 01 Year 0001."
 In other words, "four weeks later."

"Nude on the Moon" was equally bad, but much funnier.  And it had better music.

Max Payne

Max Payne (2008)


Director: John Moore
Writer: Beau Thorne (screenplay), Sam Lake (video game)
Starring: marky mark, mila kunis, ludacris, beau bridges
Synopsis
ex- cop trying to solve the unsolved murder of his wife and baby. she worked for an evil pharmaceutical company. you figure it out.

MOster
I tried to watch this movie.  I succeeded, except that I didn't give a flying fuck.  This is just a bunch of crappy dressing of the standard conspiracy-from-within salad.  This makes the salad exactly like what you get in a shitty diner:  a huge pile of lettuce (Marky Mark, the plot, everything else); one cherry tomato (the repetitive, totally inexplicable fire-wing effect on the bad guy); one slice of cucumber (Beau Bridges as he tries every once in a while); and two croutons, one with seasoning and one without (Mila Kunis with and without Slavic accent - watch for your timer to hit 00:20:00).  All that crap about the super drug was the menu in this diner: a list of food from a wide variety of ethnicities which when served tastes like the same kind of grease.


"Nude on the Moon" was equally bad, but much funnier.  And it had better music.

The Woman
this was one of those movies i was expecting to be laughably bad, but no. it hit that 'snakes on a plane' quandary where it's just not quite bad enough. it was just bad. mila kunis lost her russian accent after her first scene. the plot was either confusing or stupid. i'm leaning towards stupid and the pesky little fact i wasn't paying attention. i thought there was going to be supernatural things at play, like 'constantine', but no. the weird shadowy angels and fiery brimstone from the previews just turned out to be drug induced hallucinations. writing this up i found out this was a video game. that explains a lot about the plot journey of who cares. not all video games can translate into movies. wait. has there been a successful video game movie? they should make a katamari movie that induces seizures. i'm just sayin'. since video games and comics seem to be the en vogue thing to rape and beat to death.

p.s i really liked marky mark's version of the boston new york accent. good job man. i know. it's wicked haad.

Nude on the Moon

Nude on the Moon (1961)
Written by You don't care
Directed by Some dude, and also some woman who apparently made a name for herself with boobie movies

Starring People who at best had this as the last entry in their filmography and at worst had this as the only entry in their filmography.  Also Margaret, who forgot her bikini and had to tuck the top of her one-piece into the bottom.

Synopsis In order to realize that the tits he wants to feel were literally three feet away from him for the past five years, this dude ("the brightest rocket scientist in the world," or not) has to share a hallucination with another dude in which he goes to the moon and sees a bunch of tits.

Non-Objectified Woman
um this movie was pretty reminiscent of a mst300 movie. it made me miss that show terribly. these dudes, i mean scientists, in their long johns and tinfoil space suits, were pretty awesome. they go to this place. could be the moon, could be some asteroid with grass and trees (they fell asleep right before their ship landed automagically) and it is filled with topless, pinking sheared bikini bottomed women. sexy right? no. they don't do anything but laze around, throw a ball back and forth, point at things, and wear headbands with sparkly pipe cleaners attached as antennae. really boring. a bad commercial for a semi-nudist colony. and then that's it. the end. no body believed they went to the moon in their state of the art rocket clay mold. the whole time they were observing this fascinating moon culture, they were making all these smarmy comments too. i stopped paying attention. it was funny, but i wouldn't recommend anyone watch it or anything. that might be too bold a move.
i am of a firm belief that the person who made this movie held a position as a film strip director for a day job, and stole the sound track from the stock music recordings.

Hey, look at that hot MOster.  I'd really like to use him as an inanimate piece of sexual-gratification furniture.
It should go without saying that I put this on the queue.  I don't remember the history or reasoning.

We did  laugh a lot while we watched this.  I think I actually got the story pretty well in the synopsis; the entire thing was just ridiculous, even for 1961.  My favorite part of the story was that their round trip journey to the moon was four days in duration, but there were many other gems, such as

(Upon exiting their spacecraft in open-bottomed helmets and stepping into a grassy forest) "Perhaps this is one section of the moon which has never been seen." and "We appear to be at the bottom of a large crater."

(Discussing the ship, before they leave) "That should be exoliated (sic) by the material of the hull."

(While exploring the surface of the moon) "I'm getting responses from the meter."

(Before leaving with little more than some gold (!) rocks and a bunch of photos of titties) "Well, we've gotten some highly useful data, Jeff.

My favorite part of the movie was the professor.  From his painted-silver hair to his voice, the guy was an utter charm to behold.  He also doubled as the ground controller; but you couldn't be sure because the dubbing was so bad.

A close second is the costuming of the nude (i.e. topless) moon women:  Because it's the moon they don't speak, so they're telepathic.  The organ used for that telepathy is a set of antennae, which consists of pipe cleaners attached to headbands, and each actor got to squiggle their pipe cleaners personally. But when they filmed these "sequences," the actors had no idea what would be dubbed in, so their head nodding and shaking and shrugging bears no connection to what's on the soundtrack.  Listening to the queen (aka the scientist's secretary) give them orders and have them move their head in entirely the wrong direction was fun.

Don't just watch this movie for the honkers, which first appear at 31:20.  Watch it for the music, which is uniformly awesome.

Appaloosa

Appaloosa (2008)
Written by Ed Harris, Robert Knott, Robert B. Parker (book)
Directed by Ed Harris
Starring* Ed Harris, Viggo Mortensen, Jeremy Irons, Renee F. Zellwegger

Synopsis
sheriff gets killed hardcore ed harris and way hardcore complete with super cool stache and beard viggo ride in to take control of the situation. super annoying chick shows up. super annoying chick gets herself involved in things. LANCE HENRIKSEN!

MOster
This was unterrible-to-good.  The first hour of the story was a mirror of "Tombstone," down to that 'I'll turn your head into a canoe' scene.  I can't find the similar scene from this movie or I would have embedded both of them.  The plot did diverge after that hour; but it didn't turn into anything particularly flantastic.  There was a lot of

"I have to pee."
"Do you want me to pause it?"
"Nope."
...
(All In The Family sound effect)
...
"They took the train?"
"Yup."

The last 15 minutes or so played out a little outside of what you might expect, but that ended up making me even less satisfied.  The characters were fairly archetypical, with a little bit of differentiation (but not for the better, either to the movie or the character) in Harris's Virgil.  Viggo's Everett was pretty badass right down to his facial hair, but that was also to be expected.  Harris may be vindicated in that this story was taken from a book.  But then again, he may not.


Acting was generally fine, though they miscast Zellwegger as Mrs. French. I think that was just a bad choice.  The lack of innovation in the script did not inspire any innovation in the acting, but everybody knew their lines and hit their marks.  Jeremy Irons was a western accent away far from that Rickman Dude's brother.  Viggo was Aragorn with a different set of ethics.  Wormtail wasn't Wormtail, but big deal.  Other supporters supported.

Unfortunately, the far-above-average direction couldn't push this over the line.  From the first shot it was clear that somebody somewhere thought about where to put the camera.  There were lots of great big and little pieces here, from the camera moving with the horses, to opening up to catch a vista, to finding the right light in dark places.  One particular scene had a really cool setup of Aarathorn, Pollock, and  Jones.  The other elements of the production came close to meeting (but did not exceed) Harris's work.

Watch this one if you want.  Now that you've read this you should know how to set your expectations.

Oh, yeah:  You get to see Nurse Betty's ass (and possibly unmemorable side boob), but it might be a double.

*The "F" stands for Fucking.

The Woman
really good cinematography, really wishy washy story. i was expecting hardcore old skool western, like "once upon a time in the west", but unfortunately i ended up with weird wussy love story with a boss looking viggo and a few good lines of dialog. renee "bones with blonde hair" zellwegger was extremely hard to take. part of it was purposeful, mostly it was just her. her squinty eyes and weak appearance really irritate me. i didn't understand the drive behind most of the characters. why was simon gruber such a bad guy? was he a bad guy? why is ed harris interested in that super annoying femur? why is he forgiving her when he is supposed to be so hardcore? why won't moster grow facial hair as seen on viggo mortensen? viggo, i think, is the only character that had a view point, stuck to it, and saved everybody in the end of the movie. is that why? why the boss facial hair? did the sweet stache and magic beard give him the power to be all he could be? moster, i think this will give you super powers. you should do it.

i think reading what we have written is more entertaining than watching this movie....but that just might be me laughing at my own jokes.

Chinatown

Chinatown (1974)


Director: Roman Polanski
Writer: Robert Towne
Starring: Jack Nicholson, Faye Dunaway

Synopsis
Private investigator-type-guy gets asked to look at this woman's husband (the Chief Engineer of LA County) who is accused of cheating.  This was back when water was a real problem in the LA area, and there are all sorts of political hijinks and intrigue going on.  People are in cahoots with each other.  People try to kill each other (some people die) and people run away.  Jack Nicholson is vindicated.  (spoiler alert!) The end.
The Woman
good. maybe a little more than good given the ending. i didn't really like how the mystery part was kind of duh, and solved as sort of an afterthought. eh. good movie time spent. now i can say i've seen it.

MOster
I didn't pay quite as much attention to this one as I probably should have, and not because of the whole child rape thing.  The story was engaging enough, even though (as Leila says) the facts of the mystery weren't too difficult to suss  out.  There were some pretty cute story moments, and it was cool to see some of the actors (e.g. Higgins from "Magnum P.I.") having other things on their filmography.  Nicholson was still in his "Nicholson" phase, but he did a good job with hit stuff; and the hot women played hot women who knew they were hot and knew how to use it.

I'm not sure how many Polanski things I've seen, but this one didn't really impress me from the technical side.  Everything was fine, and obviously not phoned in.  But I didn't have any opportunity to say, "wow" at something happening on screen.

Nothing terrible, but I genuinely don't know what the fuss is and I'm not in any hurry to check out other Polanski stuff.

The Last Airbender (the movie)

The Last Airbender (2010)


Director: M. Night Shyamalamadingdong
Writer: M. Night Shyamalamadingdong
Starring: Noah Ringer, Dev Patel, Nicola Peltz, Jackson Rathbone, Aasif Mandvi

Synopsis
piece of garbage that should have never been made. see synopsis of the series, print it out and then wipe your butt with it.

MOste
This is another poor movie.  I'm not nearly as emotionally invested in this story as Leila is, so I won't spend nearly as much time as she did.  Having seen one or two episodes, I have a little experience with the show and I can say definitively that the show is better than the movie.  The story was extremely simple but it still made no sense.  It was explained more than once and each time it was explained stupidly.  Multiple sets of triple exposition served to either frustrate the viewer or muddy the story.

The poor acting in this movie can be blamed totally on the casting.  With the exception of two supporting actors who (because they were the strongest members of the cast) seemed to be principals rather than supplements, these people were little kids playing at grownup acting.  It seems like Ang, who should have been the star (as he does represent the title of the film) was cast because he can blink but there's no blinking magic.

Everything else was equally stupid.  Shyamalan usually has some sort of style but this movie was entirely bland.  The editing didn't do anything to make anything clear, and the production was terrible.  I couldn't tell if they were standing on styrofoam sets or bluescreen, but it didn't matter because it would have been just as stupid either way.

I want to take this movie out and buy it a nice dinner.  I want to flirt with it and bat my eyes and arouse it.  Then I want to skip foreplay, fuck it poorly, and ejaculate prematurely.  I want to leave it utterly unsatisfied.

(Late edit which is important because it really helps my point:) Regarding the direction, I did have opportunity to see most of the last episode of the show.  During the final battle, there were shots taken from numerous angles.  This was mostly a martial arts piece, with some magical fire bolts etc.  Usually this would be a lot of first person and close shots, with the camera just outside the "ring" of the action.  But this little, self-aware, kids' cartoon had wide shots and birds-eye shots and interesting angles which showed the scope of the battle and the collateral damage.  You might see this in some other movies or shows, but it was done quite well in this little kids show.  Nothing in the movie even approached the level of craft or art or skill in that ten minute animated action sequence.  Nothing in this big-budget, better-and-fancier, summer blockbuster came close to a few (hopefully) hand-drawn cels made animated by a mid-level piece of software in the basic cable cartoon show of which it was supposed to be an improvement.


The Woman
if you can't tell from my description i hated this piece of cinema. everyone involved in this movie made a series of terrible choices to lead them anywhere near this movie. this is the first movie where the writing was shit, the directing was shit, the acting was shit, the editing was shit, the effects were shit, the music was shit, the costumes were shit.....i had "bad" written down, but i thought that might be too good for what this travesty was. i mean even star wars (episodes 1,2, &3), at least had some of these things going for it. this was 'cut-throat island' bad. if i hadn't watched the series i would have been completely lost. it reminded me of a bunch of children playing pretend in the backyard, where everything is danger, danger, DANGER! there are certain rules that must be followed when making a movie. basic story rules apply. you have to have ups and downs. action sequences, and character development. fast pace, slow paced. i think i learned this in elementary school. stories have a climax, and that is towards the end of the book. everything must build to this. if someone were to graph it in a line graph, it would look like a mountain. this looked like a prairie if you were towards the magma depth in the earth. the acting was outrageously bad. it made the twilight movies/ acting look like oscar winning masterpieces. it was very chaotic with no character development in a trillion mile radius. this is totally surprising to me because usually shyamalamadingdong is usually all about character. relationships, backstory, emotion. this had none of these. this was also the focus of the series as well. aang begins as a little kid joking and laughing, and ends with aang as a mature avatar realizing his responsibilities to mankind. aang didn't even come off as the main character in this garbage. what!?!

it also really bugged me that all the names were mispronounced in the movie. it's not like the series were books and they were written down and open for interpretation on pronunciation, they were spoken...alot...in sixty 24- 47 minute episodes. grrrrr. when you make a movie of a series you have to cut things out. this seemed like he tried to stick everything in. his choices were really strange or non-existent. it also seemed really vain to me to make the fire nation eastern indian. the show is obviously all asian, with asian philosophies running rampant, and to put your (the writer, director, and producer) ethnicity as the powerful invading nation? it's comes off a little suspect. especially since it was very mashed. indians with names like 'zhao' wearing kimonos......hmmmmm. if you're gonna make a change like that you gotta go all the way dipshit. put them in traditionally indian garb.

oh, i also want to complain about sokka's hair. it looked like he was from seattle in 1993. samurai topknot transformed into grunge band. he is also the comedic relief  and self proclaimed 'plan guy' in the show. in this, it was hard to find a personality at all. there is much more in my brain, but i'm tired of thinking about this deplorable garbage. it's a movie made entirely of throw away lines and subtitles showing you where, geographically, the robots calling themselves characters are located.

look. i knew it was gonna suck, but i didn't think it would be a black hole of suckiness killing all of the universe in it's massive sucking power. i can warn you not to see it, but i know some of you will not heed my advice, and i just want to say in advance I TOLD YOU SO.

Avatar: The Last Airbender (the series)

Avatar: The Last Airbender (the series) 2005- 2008


Director: a ton of people
Written: a ton of people
Created by: Michael Dante DiMartino & Bryan Konietzko
Voiced by: Zach Tyler, Mae Whitman, Jack De Sena, rufio from hook, and Mako

Synopsis
um, where to begin..... with the disappearance of the avatar, master of all four elements, the fire nation begins a war. the avatar (aang) is found frozen in ice along with his flying buffalo, apa, a hundred years later by katara and sokka, brother and sister, of the southern water tribe. they are hunted and tracked throughout the world by banished fire nation prince zuko, who is trying to regain his honor by capturing the avatar and presenting him to the firelord, his father, ozai. turns out aang ran away from his avatar duties before he had learned the three other elements (he's an airbender, hence the title) so the series follows aang learning the ways of the other elements, with katara, and sokka in tow while the fire nation tries to capture them. it ends with a battle to defeat the firelord, bringing peace to the world

The Woman
this is a great show. mostly for kids, admittedly, but there are a lot of great parts to the whole. it's funny, it's action, it's just a great story...with a beginning, and an ending, which is rare with american cartoons. the first season is a little too kid centered for me. the episodes all have a moral, and the end goal, for the season, is not really made clear until the last couple of episodes. it's mostly their journey to the northern water tribe and the hi-jinx that happens along the way. the second season, in my opinion, was the best. it was much darker, with more responsibility weighing on aang's shoulders. it seems to me the writers fell into a stride and were comfortable enough with the characters to push the storylines in a better direction and be a little more edgy with more adult concepts. the end of the season also ends with a defeat for the good guys which is awesome. i think it shows balls and stand up character for a kid's show to do that. and the last season, is also great, but i felt like it was a little rushed to resolve everything. the second to last episode was also a sort of recap show with the cast of characters watching their story unfold in a play. it was, in moster's opinion,  a commentary on what they thought about the transformation of the series to movie form. i think that is inaccurate, but funny, none the less.

i'm glad i watched it. i'm sad i finished it. now what will i watch during nap time or bath time?

Zombieland

Zombieland (2009)
Directed by Reuben Fleischer
Written by Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick
Starring Jesse Eisenberg (AK to Leila A poor man's Michael Cera), Woody Harrelson, Emma Stone, Abigail Breslin

Synopsis
Semi-first-person account of a dude living in a world overrun by zombies.  The movie starts out with him alone as he goes through a subset of the list of rules he's developed as he's survived.  Eventually he becomes a member of an entourage and they go through some other amusing setpieces and arguments and double-crosses until they're all a happy family and (spoiler alert!) the end.

The Woman
this was acceptable. i think i was expecting more laughing. this is because i should know better than to believe the majority. when someone raves, i should approach with skepticism. don't get me wrong, it wasn't bad, but it wasn't awesome either. the " big b.m." joke made me laugh out loud, but i think that was it. listen. any movie with bill murray gets a thumbs up from me. it broke the zombie movie mold, by just accepting zombies being a part of the world. there was no trying to defeat the zombies they were all about surviving. that jesse eisenberg kid bothers me. he does in every movie. he fails at what michael cera is so awesome at: the lovable paranoid nerdy guy. woody harrelson played a good character, i can dig a guy who relishes violence in a creative and most destructive way.

good love story, romantic comedy. they get a few points for throwing some zombies in there for good measure.

MOster
This was another acceptable use of 90 minutes.  Much like the Simon Pegg zombie movie the filmmakers knew they had to maintain the humor in order for anybody to really give a shit about another one of those things.  Couple that with the fact that the fact that (real spoiler alert?) there's been no change to the zombie-filled nature of the world by the end and you've got a halfway-decent hook for a movie.  I do think that it could have been more than halfway decent had the script gone through a couple of rounds of pumch-up.

With all that in mind, the acting was just fine.  Woody Harrelson ate every piece of the production which wasn't nailed down, and everybody else took it with maybe a little more seriousness than was necessary.  There was a terrific, film-stealing, cameo by Bill Murray.  Technical was pretty good.  Directing and production were mostly seamless, but the effects and editing worked together to show you how everything was going down.  The text of his rules was sometimes not immune to the action on screen--which is by no means a new trick, but it was still used to positive effect.

So, yeah.  Not stellar but fine.

Angel-A

Angel-A (2005)
Directed by Luc Besson
Written by Luc Besson
Starring Jamel Debbouze, Rie Rasmussen

Synopsis
shady guy who owes a ton of money all over paris and perhaps new york, half heartedly tries to kill himself by jumping off one of paris' numerous bridges. a woman appears on the same bridge also apparently ready to commit suicide. they form a partnership. she guides him. she turns out to be an angel. this is not a spoiler, it's made fairly obvious to the viewer almost from her appearance.
MOster
This was pretty cool.  The story was a mix of old and new.  I kind of wish they had pushed the reveal until later in the film.  The two leads each do a fine job, with Rasmussen really pulling off her deal as the angel.  The supporting cast all overacted or mugged appropriately.

This is Besson, so direction was there, including a couple of REALLY nice shots.  Everything else was just fine.  Except for the costumes.  The costumes, especially her one outfit, were awesome.  I cant find who designed that dress or bra; but it's probably someone fairly famous.

This is a decent use of an hour and a half.  Not mindblowing, but not typical.

The Woman
i can dig. this was between ok, and really good. black and white. directed really well (of course, it's luc besson). i liked how she wasn't perfectly perfect and good. she did some shady dealing as well. good commentary on religion. i did feel like something was missing from the plot. the guy, andre, falls in love with angela, at some point, and this was not made very clear. of course he falls in love with her, she's an angel. isn't that her angelly charm? they were only together for two days...maybe at the most. it could have only been one. it was also as if perhaps he owed her something for getting him out of trouble. i guess there is always that sort of underlying questions in luc besson movies. he doesn't like to spell everything out. you, as the viewer, can come up with your own mythology, as it were, to explain the unanswered questions. he is a big fan of symbols though. the whole baptism/water/rebirth thing seems to me, to come up frequently in his movies. this was no exception. i guess it shouldn't be that big of a surprise since most of his movies have religion as a major player.

Surrogates

Surrogates (2009)


Director: Jonathan Mostow
Writer: Michael Ferris (screenplay), John D. Brancato (screenplay), Robert Venditti (graphic novel), Brett            
              Weldele (graphic novel)
Starring: Bruce Willis, Radha Mitchell, Rosamund Pike, James Cromwell, and Ving Rhames


Synopsis
alternate universe where people have developed technology to send robots out into the world as them. they can be controled by the power of the user's mind bullets, and can be as young or buxom as the user wants. FBI guy tries to figure out where a device is that can kill people through their surrogates. lots, and lots of background into FBI guy's past. takes place in boston. "?"


MOster
There were entertaining moments in this movie, but it doesn't even qualify as awesomely bad by my sometimes-extremely-liberal standards.  This is not "American Ninja," or the Bruce Leroy movie.  This is actually kind of like the Don the Dragon virtual reality movie... except that that one was more plausible.


 Starting with the basic conceit, I had nothing for this.  Why would you go to the insane expense of fabricating artificial bodies for actual, physical interaction with other artificial bodies?  I could actually write a lot about this topic, but I'll continue. The plot of this movie also shares elements with "Demolition Man."  Bruce Willis as Sandra Bullock.  And the bigger mystery is excruciatingly convoluted, like they crammed hundreds of graphic novel pages into 85 fucking minutes.


Acting is alright, I suppose; and one could attribute the relative lack of softness and expression to a conscious choice... if one wanted to be charitable.  The problem with a hypothesis like that is that Bruce Willis doesn't stand out enough when he returns his corporeal form to the actual universe, and neither do the "meat puppets" or whatever the fuck they're called.  Of course, that differentiation would give away the ending, and we wouldn't want to do that.  Oh, no.  We would want you to be shocked by something that you totally wouldn't have seen in the prologue, with the fucking RKO Radio logo flashing behind the footage.

What did stand out here was the makeup.  The surrogates themselves looked a little plastic-y and had dead eyes which were actually pretty creepy.  It's too bad nobody else on the production staff saw the potential of this premise, because what stood out in the other direction was the direction and the editing.  The runtime was full of ridiculous close-ups at odd angles and super-repetitive, super-quick cuts which might have been intended to give the impression of urgency, but which just made us feel like we were in the mind of a crackhead.  There seriously were sequences with that ZOOM sound effect followed by a bit of dialog followed by more ZOOMing.  This permeates the entire, stupid, experience.

I did not like this movie.  This movie was dumb.


The Woman
this movie was only 1hour 28 minutes and most of the time was spent on the set up, and explanation of the alternate universe. so when there was actually a plot point in the "mystery" it was obvious, and made the "mystery" easy to figure out. the ending was really predictable, and i'm not sure whether it was supposed to be.  the budget seemed weirdly small, or maybe mis-spent is a better term. great concept, and great details, but once again it seemed like the hollywood machine, warped it to stupid. i guess one should always be wary of a main stream movie set at 80 minutes. it seems shocking to me that names like james cromwell, and ving rhames, and i guess bruce willis would agree to be in such a poor movie. maybe the graphic novel was way cooler? maybe it was edited to unrecognizable? all in all: boo. bad choices made all around.