2012

2012 (2009 heh)
Written by Roland Emerich (holy fuck, really?), Harald Kloser
Directed by Roland Emerich
Starring John Cusack, fuck you Amanda Peet, the bad guy from "Serenity," Oliver Platt, Young Sean from "Psych," 19,000,000 secondary and tertiary characters, and one small dog

Synopsis
12/21/12 sounds just as cool in Julian as it did in Mayan.  Solar flares start getting really rough (while simultaneously causing shockwaves, earthquakes, and tsunami to move just a little bit slower than human running speed) and the world reshapes itself EXCRUCIATINGLY SLOWLY while John Cusack proves why he's the next great action star.  27 days later, Everest is in Africa and it's time for humanity to resettle  (spoiler alert) The end.  Also, Oliver Platt was totally right.

The Woman
if we weren't in a really crappy movie run i don't think we would have made it to the end of this junk. we watched it in fourish parts, and by the secondish installment i realized just exactly how much i didn't care about a single thing in this movie. terrible doesn't even cover what this was. i think i may have enjoyed 'the day after tomorrow' better, and let me just tell you folks, that's saying something. not only was the "science" of the movie completely crap, but it only applied in certain parts. a.k.a somewhere in the beginning middle, someone in a plane says that all communication has been lost. assuming because of the wild and crazy electro-magnetic fields going rogue on earth's ass? anyway, back to the messed up plot...10 minutes later, someone's communicating emergency related suspense via cell phone. there is no more earth on earth, but there is still a working tower somewhere. i think i actually heard john cusack's legitimate career give a death gasp. and unfortunately the main characters survived to see the dawn of waterworld. except for africa, which can magically float, because the giraffes they "saved" on the u.s.s. ark may have drowned? what? maybe because even though it is the most war torn continent, god loves it best. good entertainment? no. because it is so coveted by the white man and now it is within his grasp? because it's a thing that makes you go insane? like "if it weren't for that horse, i never would have spent that year in college? also this movie was about 2and a half hours too long. if you haven't subjected yourself to it, please, for my sake, don't. damn, that extension cord that prevented the main hull door from closing, on a quadrillion dollar boat, made by the chinese, engineered by buddhist monks (?) while a tidal wave that submerged everest was upon them. it couldn't have been as magically strong for a few more seconds? something should have spent more time doing the shake weight....like the writer/ director

holy crap this movie was terrible

MOster
This movie felt interminable.  Each of its three acts felt interminable.  It really seemed like each extra got a resolution.

John Cusack really should not be any kind of action star; yelling is not his forte.  And, seriously, a big "fuck you" to Amanda Peet and her character.  Leila didn't think that her boyfriend was as big of an asswipe as I did, but he acted well.  Oliver Platt was believable as the White House advisor who (inadvertently or not) stages a coup near the beginning of the beginning of the end of the end of the middle.  Possibly the most believable character was the one played by the kid from Psych; and Woody Harrleson obviously had a good time playing the kook, but he still wasn't worth watching.

I have all these notes about the suspension-of-disbelief stuff, but they're not funny enough and this movie isn't worth the time it would take me to punch them up.  As for the "real" technical, if you want a more-entertaining, better-acted Roland Emmerich movie with better CG, watch ID4.

The epilogue is prefaced with

"Day 27 Month 01 Year 0001."
 In other words, "four weeks later."

"Nude on the Moon" was equally bad, but much funnier.  And it had better music.