Queue Total

284 MOVIES (released titles only)

Note: Real spoilers are in black text on a black background. Highlight the black areas to read the spoilers.

Queue Numbers

#50- Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown

#100- Black Swan

#200- Mysteries of Lisbon

Last- Once Upon a Time in Anatolia

Monday, July 19, 2010

Max Payne

Max Payne (2008)

Director: John Moore
Writer: Beau Thorne (screenplay), Sam Lake (video game)
Starring: marky mark, mila kunis, ludacris, beau bridges
ex- cop trying to solve the unsolved murder of his wife and baby. she worked for an evil pharmaceutical company. you figure it out.

I tried to watch this movie.  I succeeded, except that I didn't give a flying fuck.  This is just a bunch of crappy dressing of the standard conspiracy-from-within salad.  This makes the salad exactly like what you get in a shitty diner:  a huge pile of lettuce (Marky Mark, the plot, everything else); one cherry tomato (the repetitive, totally inexplicable fire-wing effect on the bad guy); one slice of cucumber (Beau Bridges as he tries every once in a while); and two croutons, one with seasoning and one without (Mila Kunis with and without Slavic accent - watch for your timer to hit 00:20:00).  All that crap about the super drug was the menu in this diner: a list of food from a wide variety of ethnicities which when served tastes like the same kind of grease.

"Nude on the Moon" was equally bad, but much funnier.  And it had better music.

The Woman
this was one of those movies i was expecting to be laughably bad, but no. it hit that 'snakes on a plane' quandary where it's just not quite bad enough. it was just bad. mila kunis lost her russian accent after her first scene. the plot was either confusing or stupid. i'm leaning towards stupid and the pesky little fact i wasn't paying attention. i thought there was going to be supernatural things at play, like 'constantine', but no. the weird shadowy angels and fiery brimstone from the previews just turned out to be drug induced hallucinations. writing this up i found out this was a video game. that explains a lot about the plot journey of who cares. not all video games can translate into movies. wait. has there been a successful video game movie? they should make a katamari movie that induces seizures. i'm just sayin'. since video games and comics seem to be the en vogue thing to rape and beat to death.

p.s i really liked marky mark's version of the boston new york accent. good job man. i know. it's wicked haad.


  1. Vincent Von NucciJuly 19, 2010 at 10:21 PM

    The real tragedy is that if you splice together all of the cut scenes from the video game, you get a better and more coherent story than the movie. The game was a "cop goes out for revenge after family is murdered" story. As it goes on, paranoia is introduced with the drugs and the supernatural, so you get more than advertised, not promising a supernatural story and getting less than advertised when it turns out to just be drugs.

    The worst part is the cut scenes in the game were in the form of narrated comic book pages. They literally already had a script and storyboard that was proven to work and they still screwed it up.

  2. HAH. That is both excellent and unsurprising.