Writer: David "Johnson"
Director: Catherine "Hardwicke"
Starring: see synopsis
a werewolf terrorizes a small medieval village of daggarstrom or something like that. murder mystery party! amand seyfried plays the town beauty, crossed eyed guy plays the sketchy guy who is obviously the werewolf...or is he!, other dude plays the wealthy betrothed blacksmith... lucas haas plays the poor mislead guy, virginia madsen plays the gold digging wife/mother, the guy who plays bella's dad in twilight is the poor lied to father, and gary oldman plays the bad guy who isn't really the bad, bad, guy. he's just evil. which character do you want to play? they all have secrets and most of them come out except for the only true innocent, the town simpleton who you know is going to be dead by the hour mark at least. i forgot to mention the love triangle. there's a love triangle between cross-eyed outsider, and wealthy blacksmith kid.
this was HORRENDOUS! seriously and laughably. it was like a lifetime movie writer/plot with a big budget made by a person who loved kung fu movies as a pre teen. the direction was so ridiculous, there were these long zooms onto peoples faces that lingered too long, and all i could think of was parodies of shaw brothers movies. i almost laughed out loud several times, but then realized the effort put into this and stifled it. there were a couple of guffaws that did escape, however. and there was voice over almost pitch perfect with "twilight"
bad, bad, bad. and not in the good way either. in a strange indescribable way it was boring too.
SPOILER ALERT! I WILL TALK ABOUT WHODUNIT NOW. IF YOU WANT TO WATCH THIS NONSENSE I SUGGEST YOU STOP READING BECAUSE I COULDN'T IMAGINE PUTTING MYSELF THROUGH ALL THAT SET UP WHILE KNOWING THE END. THAT'S WORSE THAN JUST WANTING TO WATCH THIS MOVIE.
ok, so here's the thing. there is this way messed up undertone of some serious messed upness. turns out the werewolf is her father. being the favorite child, who everyone loves best, but who dreams of more, her father wants to take her to blossom somewhere else, like a big city or something. she says that she could never kill people and feast on them and stuff, and kills her dad with the cut off hand of gary oldman that has his special manicure of silver pointy nails. but, not before daddy has tussled with her true love of sketchy cross eyed guy...and guess what. daddums bit that poor cross-eyed guy. oh no! but she couldn't possibly kill her true love, even though she just killed her father. it's different. she has the strong urge to have dealing with the penis of cross-eyed guy. so she let's him leave to train himself in the werewolf arts, and waits for him to return to her. last shot is of the werewolf in wolfy form appearing from the dark forest and she gets this penis lovin' smile on, and all i could think of was....yeah. so, all in all she would rather kill her father who offers her a better life than give up some wolf weiner.
who could kill those cross-eyes?