Alright. Here we go.
Here comes some kid who I don’t know, but who looks kind of like Bieber. And it’s raining ominously, well-timed thunder, blah, uh-oh! Supernatural muggers!
Screams of blood and bridge pose. I guess they bit him.
Whoah. That’s an eclipse. At least they have enough respect for their audience to expect them to know what franchise they’re watching.
Fade to that broad with the permanent pout, sitting in a beeeaaaaaautiful field. I hope she’s supposed to have written this wretched poetry as sketchball plays with her hair (but we all know he won’t pork her for like 11 movies). She’s even whiny when they make out, and HE IS UGLY.
This proposal of marriage to a teenager is reminiscent of Nabokov. And they’re trading marriage for vampirism. “I think you’ll find the vampire/human divorce rate is a little lower.” Yes, and I think your pants will look great on my floor in the morning.
I can’t stand either of their faces individually, and it’s like a grillion times worse when they’re together.
And here’s Dad The Protector, who doesn’t like Smarty McShadypants. When did the definition of “grounded” become, “you can hang out with your boyfriend in a field—UNSUPERVISED—but only until dinnertime? He wants to trade her mezzaning for her spending time with other people like… Jacob, the other love interest. Maybe “protector” isn’t quite the right word for this guy. How about Doormat #3? What’s she reading out of his pocket?
I don’t like the camera placement in this movie; it spends too much time on her face.
So Smarty has been watching over her with the help of some other vampire; and he doesn’t want her to see Jacob because he knows all there is to know about shady pants.
Oh, here’s that woman who looks like Six or something and she’s the Valedictorian. Of the high school which could have been completely cut out of this movie. I don’t know why it isn’t Smarty; he’s been studying the same shit for like a thousand years. How many times ARE [they] gonna graduate high school? Why are there so many vampires in the school, and why do they have such ridiculous eyes that nobody notices?
Who the fuck names a town Forks?
Someone is missing from Seattle over a year ago (must be Bieber); and Smarty knows something. I have decided to name the other two, but I need more data. And I think the vampire police are going to come and do something? I’m already lost in this movie… except not at all.
Dude can’t even look the father in the eye, but he still has the cajones to offer her a flight to somewhere to see her mother and now the father is on board but she’s manipulating both of them into sending the father along. But apparently this scene is just muddy and actually she's manipulated both of them into sending SMARTY along, because of course the father of a sixteen-year-old girl would go for that. Have I come up with a name for him yet? How about Blinders? Blinders will work.
Narration. Fuck you.
Cut to Florida, where the mother is trying to get Broody to stay. And that’s a PHENOMENALLY long way to fly for a weekend, and the mother, who’s kind of cute, actually notices the McPantsness of the situation. And I can’t stand to look at her in sunglasses. She should be wearing her mother’s hat. Maybe then her whininess would be tempered by coyness. Some kind of gradumacation present in a purple box is extremely exciting. Oh, that’s nice. She made a quilt out of old T-shirts. That actually is sweet, which is why the mother will be off the screen soon. Mother’s talking about kids but Broody knows she’ll never have kids. And I can’t stand looking at her over her mother’s shoulder, either
Ooooh, darkness in the forest. More of the McShadypantses, including the dude from the video game. THE VISION has led them to this particular spot, and super-fast running and super fast running and whooshes and jumping and diving and music and leaping and shooting past, and red hair and sweatpants and reaching and grabbing and throwing and falling and looking and accelerating and hands like knives to make you go faster and juuuuumping over ravines and looking back and then the wolfland and now it’s wolves which are growling and McPantses which are running and they’re separated by the river, and more leaping and running and springing and trees and whoah! CG, and crossing each other in mid-air because they suck and looking and ducking and blurring and leaping and faster and faster and ooooh, no, Some Shady in their territory and they go after him. And now its CG vampire vs CG wolf and the redhead runs away, and… sun.
And parking.
She’s not a safe passenger; her knees are in her chest. She doesn’t regret going but she didn’t want to say goodbye. He’s always hoping that she won’t become a vampire and yet he proposed to her on the condition that he change her.
Ooooh, that was the greatest introductory cut and music cue in the face of the universe. Smarty is scoffing at Wolfie because he didn’t tell her about the super chase scene. But how was he in Florida and in Spoons at the same time. And “Victoria,” Red?, wants Broody. “Jake” lied to her, and now she changes the subject to her bullshit about friendship. And he’s a super woman. He has nothing to say to her. He trusts her but he doesn’t trust her and he makes a terrible clowny sad face
So Mr. “I have nothing to say,” just lets her on his dinky motorcycle.
Super Shirtless Brigade! “Look who’s back!” And they’re randonculously pectoral. Now it’s Leah Clearwater. Is that a quadrangle? She doesn't like Broody but here’s another Indian minus another shirt. Commence wolfsmoration!
She’s still her… until graduation. He doesn’t want her to do it. He thought he’d have a chance but Smarty owns her. He’s sickened by her whole thing. “Better you really be dead than one of them.” And Shirty is extremely sad and she’s offended and he’s sad. That was a great sad face. Maybe that’s why his shirt is on, because he can’t take it off until he looks like he’s 16.
Scratchy fingers in her room, but it’s not her. It’s another dude, who I don’t believe is a McShady. High-pitched strings indicate that something is going to happen. Blinders is lying on the couch blindly, and Vampy is staring at him. Clunk, door, brooding look, nothing.
“Edward could respect meal times.” “I was just with Jake.” “Oh… good.” Triple standards.
New guy is stalking her. What’s with her? Smarty visions that something has happened. Someone’s been in her room, which is less surprising than that he didn’t know about it in advance. The scent is gone. Someone is fucking with them.
Back to the land of the Shadies. And they’re going to guard her house and search for four people and eat people and blah blah. And she’s going to Jacob for protection? And they’re working together. But not really. They’re territorying, and she’s tired of this. So she’s Switzerland, which also proves that she doesn’t go to school.
They take shifts, with lots of CG brooding and bullshit, and how does her father, the Chief of Fucking Police, not noticewhat’s going on?
“Doesn’t he have a shirt?” Dude, it’s the first time in the whole movie that he hasn’t worn one. So Smarty is making a big show of kissing her. Why do they both have fishlips? Because Mormons don’t have tongues.
So he hugs her? That’s not the same thing. Where the fuck is her father now? Now she’s staying overnight with the wolves.
And she’s crashing the Circle of the Indianwolves. She is the first outsider. Ever.
I bet this kid, Seth, will always keep his shirt. So he’s Junior Shirty. That guy barely looks like he’s a native. They were shape shifters who transformed to the wolf to scare off enemies and protect their tribe. Why the fuck is this in English. One day they came across a vampire. This flashback is super exciting.
Oh, fuck. Her face again.
Courage
Suicide
And vampire lady is mad, but that’s enough of a distraction for the wolf man to get her.
Brooding
I hope we get to hear all these histories; it shows that the characters inhabit a fully-realized world. Over time their enemies have disappeared, but one remains. The Cold Ones. So, apparently they can only be wolves when the vampires are around. That also makes sense.
Brooding. How much of the runtime of this movie is just her fucking annoying face?
Cut to some kind of docks with more torture. I think this is present day. They turned some little girl. That’s excellent. Whoah, that man became ceramic.
Seattle is in a state of terror, we learn on the wall of Casa McShadypants. They’re gonna have to do something. It’s time for a vampire fight, something for her to look forward to. Someone’s creating an army, says Dr. Videogame. The Volturi haven’t stopped this. Maybe they’re behind it.
Oh, look, she’s at home. How long as she been away for him to not ask her anything about it? Riley Biers is the name of the Bieber. She suggests that the parents just give up looking, because she knows what’s happening and she also requires no parental supervision. And now they’re in bed and she’s talking about explaining things to people but he just says she has to wait a few decades because he’s trying to protect her. What?
This is a disgusting scene. They keep zooming in on each face. He’s talking about how selfish it is to change her. The music is also bad, but not nearly as bad as the story. Their kissing grosses me out.
Twangy guitar and stupid faces. Her hand isn’t even on his dick.
So now she’s back to walking with Shirty. It’s the same black shirt, by the way, and he’s apparently invited to the McShadypants’ graduation party. I still don’t understand why they’re in high school. He’s going to try to convince her to not change again. But she needs to know that he, too, is in love with her. She won’t admit her true feelings, so now she’ll have two stalkers, and more fighting. “You wouldn’t have to change for me… or say goodbye to anybody.” He has flesh and a heart. Crescendo music but she doesn’t want to kiss him so she punches him and it hurts. Oh oh, here comes asshole. This is awesome fighting but Blinders can see for once! “What’s going on?” Are you that naive? Oh, yeah.
So after that she’s allowed to go back out to stay with the Shadys. Some other Shady, who I’ll call Albino McShady disapproves of this plan. So Broody goes outside to whine at her. Rosalie? No, we’ll stick with Albino. Broody doesn’t know why she hates her, but it’s only dislike. That’s a letdown; I need more allies. But she envies Broody and I have no respect left. “I don’t care how miserable your human life is.” What an excellent statement. She wanted a family, blah blah flashback with moustaches. This vampire is also kind of sketchball. Rape kiss … … I think it’s rape time. They left her in the street. Awesome. I don’t know if it was actual rape or just vampire rape. Leila says it was actual rape. More flashbacks for revenge. How is this necessary? Because everybody knows she’s not going to change her mind, so this is just a waste of five minutes. Oh, and crappy poetry. But Broody understands, except that she’s 17 so she has no idea. And then there’s the blood thing.
That was a poor narrative cut to the valedictorian speech. There are ninety McShadys in the audience for this crap. This is the time to make mistakes., blah blah. Nothing’s permanent, blah blah. This editing makes me sad, but I’d rather look at valedicky’s face than Broody’s. Why is the high school even in the movie?
This is quite the party, with a lot of bouncy dancing. All the Shirties are wearing shirts! She’s mad and who cares, but he’s apologizing and it’s working, because this movie isn’t over yet. So he made her a charm. It will magically protect her from nothing, except a graceful exit from this franchise.
Evil vampries are coming to fight, so they’re strategizing at the party. Shirty wants in on the fight and his friends appear to agree. Of course, stupid Broody doesn’t want them but even Smarty thinks it’s a good idea. It’s going to be a good battle, and they have… “… an…understanding…” They’ve also been invited to train, and I long for a montage. Here come the Shirties … oh, no, it’s Broody and Smarty, who doesn’t like her career killing charm.
So, there are the Shirties approaching the Pantsys (heh). She’s acting as a go-between, for some stupid reason. Newborns are stronger than regular vampires because they still have human blood. That makes perfect sense. Jasper is now Bangsy. Music is ready. PLEASE give me a montage.
“Don’t hold back”
Yes!
Throw. Brood run slam punch.
Dodge. ”Never lose focus.” Brood brood nod run slide jump run grapple. Wolf look, scrutinize, throw, punch, “never turn your back.” Wolves watching, girl, punch dodge twist jump throw sexy glance nod jump dodge throw, punch jump flip glance slide glace pinch jump glance kiss happy CG wolf behind Broody. That could have been better.
She doesn’t want them to get killed. Awwwww. They’re done for the day even though A) the wolves didn’t train and B) they only have like two days to go. But you need to see bites and scars. Bangsy was a soldier in the Civil War. Oh, that’s interesting. I wonder if Bangsy has bangs in the past. No, they’re more on the sides of his head. That was actually not a bad shot.
He’s aiding a bunch of maidens who of course aren’t maidens, and they’re trapping him and this is supposed to sound dirtyish. But it’s not. I love their accents. There were brutal vampire battles in the South. I remember hearing about that in history class. But the end of this story is that he used to train the newborns and then kill them before their first year was up. This music is insipid. How can simply breaking their necks kill them? That’s lame. And then he realized that he was a puppet. This other woman is Eyesy McShadypants. More annoying kissing.
Sparkly river, like sparkly vampires.
Speaking some other language. Wait… this is just another flashback, plus shakicam. And Broody wakes up with Smarty next to her because again, of course, Blinders are on. But Broody can strategize better than the other vampires so she figures out some master plan. But I still don’t care.
I guess this is some kind of recruitment warehouse. She wants to help in the fight. “I think it’s dangerous for us to be apart.” What the fuck does that mean? Of course she’s right but instead of getting her way he decies to take her away. And Shirty is giving him shit. They’re luring the newborns to the field. Shirty’s odor will cover hers so they can hide better. That actually makes sense. It also doesn’t matter. They’re flirting, or something. He sounds really dumb and douchy. He’s telling her about her feelings. I thought they were supposed to be running.
I hate her face.
END OF PART I
BEGINNING OF PART II
He’s not attractive, he’s not a good actor, and he looks older than he should if he’s a time-frozen vampire.
Making a sandwich with Dad, “why didn’t you get remarried?” She thought he gave up on marriage. What does that mean? He’s been fucking around? Marriage has value when you’re much older. Good thing she doesn’t care to take anybody’s advice. And she makes a big deal out of announcing she’s a virgin. What an annoying scene.
Dude, you can tell she’s brooding from behind as Smarty opens the door for her. His hair is repulsive to me. Now she has two charms, because this pissing match will never, ever end. Look at all these beds which won’t be used for anything good. His smirk makes me sad. All she has to do is marry him and “anything you want. It’s yours.” Have I mentioned that they make out annoyingly? He won’t fuck her because he thinks he’ll kill her. She wants him, but she doesn’t know what she wants. Are they going to do it? Did I misunderstand all the books? I don’t think so. Seriously, it’s like they’re both whining while they grope each other, like it’s part of their foreplay to nowhere. This editing and music means that something bad is going to happen. So I won’t bother writing down that… wait. They’re done with some kissing and (his) chest rubbing. It didn’t even get to the killing part. How nice.
I fucking hate her face. I hate his face. I hate his stupid Mormon face. He wants to leave this rule unbroken. “It might be too late for my soul but I want to protect yours.” Wait a minute! How does that work if he’s going to STEAL HER FUCKING SOUL IF SHE MARRIES HIM?! I can’t fathom this. Now he’s talking about courting her as if they were in the 19th century. I can’t deal with his whinging. It’s the whole thing: makeup, expressions, writing, acting. I can’t write this down because I can’t hope to capture the myriad emotions oozing from every syllable of his proposal, replete with ring. And he acts surprised that she says yes. But she still doesn’t get the dick. For her soul.
Monorail under space needle. Here’s Redhead and Bieber, planning. The McShadys killed her friend, just because he spied on them to tell her about their strengths. Is this background unnecessarily complicated, or is does it exceed the level of pathos I’m prepared to put forth to this story? But she’s manipulating him into a suicide mission. He swears that he’s going to kill them all. And it’s the rough music and electric guitars which mean that these people will probably fuck, even though she’s just using her vagina to avenge her friend. And even though they’ll make it as clear as sparkly skin that they’re fucking these producers won’t earn their PG-13. For our souls. .
Co-brooding in the forest. She’s not wearing the ring, and he thinks it’s because of Shirty. She doesn’t want to take his head out of the game, even though she is the entire reason for the game. Shirty shows up with a ruler and a quizzical expression. She won’t answer his idiotic question. And now it’s time for the fight.
Stare stare zoom crescendo vampire-head periscope. Zoom.Crescendo. Wolf taxi. Now they look like zombies, i.e. how vampires would look in most other vampire movies. Ominous music over a Lone Smarty. Zoom out to… nothing. Tension is not a savings account.annoying Fuck you.
Shirty really looks like a stupid baby. And this “storm” is not just a metaphor as she shivers under her blanket and claims to be fine. What can Smarty do to warm her? I don’t know, how about think ahead and bring a heater or something. Shirty doesn’t like the tooth chattering, and Smarty doesn’t like Shirty in the tent. But a little brooding from the sleeping bag silences them. Shrity wants to be an undead blanket. This is excellent. Why didn’t he bring a shirt to the top of the mountain? Wouldn’t that have made her even warmer? This is not really very entertaining.
Wow. The moon is moving quickly through the sky. Is that a poretent or a poor device?
Shirty is intentionally thinking about poking her because Smarty can sense him. Seriously? There’s so much fucking fluff in this movie and they couldn’t have broken these to arguments with anything? They’re arguing over the sleeping object of their affections, which is counterproductive on many levels. Shirty still thinks she just refuses to admit her luuuurve. Smarty wants to kill him, but he wouldn’t because it would hurt Broody. He doesn’t want to make Broody a vampire, except for the part where he promised to do it. Smarty is now saying that Shirty can give her everything; but none of this matters. I want to meet the casting director of this movie.
“If we weren’t natural enemies and you weren’t trying to steal my reason for existing…” When was the last time I said this was dumb? Shirty has very nice teeth but he’d never be Smarty’s friend. But he DOES have very nice teeth. Morning. Another CG wolf, who Smarty doesn’t like. Junior Shirty? And Broody is apologizing for staying warm? So instead of accepting her apology and being a grownup (like a hundred-year-old?) he manipulates the situation so Shirty finds out about the engagement. He’s a real turd; but she’ll marry him for his dick.
Broody is broody is broody. She wants Shirty to stay around so she can keep manipulating him. But I don’t think she (or, more accurately, Ms. Meyer) is self-aware enough to understand that. She doesn’t’ want to lose him because he’s too important.. But she’s still marrying Smarty. Kiss me! I’m… asking you… to… kiss me. And is there some passion? No. Not in this movie, no. Where’s Smarty to start a fight?
And… brooding. Did Smarty see, her fucking ugly pensive face asks? Probably. This soundstage / bluescreen is pretty poor for such a costly movie. Smarty didn’t see but, “Jacob’s thoughts are pretty loud.” He accepts that she loves him. “I love you more.” Well, then everything is alright. Fight time for real? I don't know why I hope so.
Sprinting. Standing. Standing. Sprinting. Zooming. Running. Zooming. Circling. Smarty can sense the fight. Collision! Punching and pushing and ripping and breaking necks and wolves! That didn’t wait long enough to add excitement, and the CG is for shit and readhed didn’t expect the wolves and cooperating and throwing and jumping and biting and clotheslining and punching and jumping over wolfes and little girl recruit is scared, which doesn’t fit the pattern (which is not a surprise) and more ceramic heads. When did the ceramic heads come into this? And under what circumstances to they become ceramic? And …
Junior files up and the ceramic limb effect is already boring. Now Smarty is challenging Redhead, because he hasn’t been actively running Broody away from Red for the ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE. So tackle and snow fight and reaching and throwing and looking and oh, yeah, brooding, and NOW they’re running away and now they’re separated, which also makes sense, and he throws Reddy at a tree closer to Broody and Bieber is still fighting the Junior.
Despite the stupidity of this strategy, the leads will linger, like leotards in 1990. Now Broody's going to throw rocks like a hobbit? No. She’s bleeding into the snow to distract everyone. Of course. There’s Reddy ditching Bieber to go after Smarty and the Blood. That’s a good name for a band. And Smarty just bit her head off? Or something. But the real question is if he’ll be able to resist THE BLOOD OF BROODY. Oh, fail. I’ve forgotten the name of the psychic.
Vision of Fanning and the werewolves have to run away. And Shirty is hurt but he can’t act hurt very well. Dr. Video Game McShadypants, M.D. is going to set the bones and break the truce to help Shirty, who is going on the lam before the Vampire Police come.
Ooh, Volturi subterfuge. I was right that the McSmartys are adopting? the little girl. And they’re torturing her unnecessarily on purpose. Whoah! Bangsy is hardcore with the looks. Some other McShady is vouching for New Girl; but then they stop caring because the only one important is this singular teenager.
Now Broody is in Shirtytown and Shirty himself is screaming in pain as Dr. Videogame re-sets the bones. And the Chief man offers his hand to Dr. Video. This is quite touching. Too bad Dr. Videogame is not portrayed by Kevin Costner.
Broody now goes in for her own brand of torture. He’s covered in sweat. Will it help him to act? Maybe next movie.
I hate her face.
Shirty hates that Smarty wasn’t mad. Yes, please zoom in on Shirty's shitty acting. Why does she have to almost bite her bottom lip all the time? And close her eyes? He wants her to break his heart while his arm is broken. Poetic. Shirty is exactly right for Broody; and he’s probably right, but I still don’t care. That shot captured her vacant eyes extremely well. You direct that photography! Seriously, she looks like she’s got some Action in her Intestines, which is the title track on The Blood of Broody’s debut album, Undie!. Why do the filmmakers feel the need to convey this story? Is there any reason other than money?
And, cut immediately to Broody and Smarty hanging out in a field again and discussing the date for the wedding. This is a truly facile way of bookending the movie. Smarty says she’s trying to make everyone else happy, except for the part where she’s thumbing her nose in the face of advice from literally ten people. She looks softer and younger in this scene. I think they filmed them at the same time and didn’t bother to change the makeup.
I also don’t like her nostrils or the way she moves here eyebrows. She is now claiming, essentially, that she’s already a vampire. She feels that she’s not normal and that makes her vampiric. Because
those are the only two choices. Is humanity the turd sandwich or the giant douche?
I have to close my eyes for this because nobody wants to hear me yell at the TV, and when I crack them it’s the same closeup single shot; but I guess they eventually changed to the other ugly face. She wants to tie herself to him in every way humanly possible; but it’s not humanly possible to do this. The punchline of this scene is that they have to tell her father and I sincerely hope that this is a cliffhanger for the next movie. This music is intolerable and they’re standing in a fucking Thomas Kincade painting and I am happy to have been correct.
I refuse to listen to the music over the credits.
THE END
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