Thursday, March 24, 2011
Writer: Philip Eisner
Director: Simon Hunter
Starring: the new version of christopher lambert, seriously, they look extremely similar. other people like the Ron Perlman and Devon Aoki
Ooh... I get to write the synopsis for this one? Awesome. I am excited, not least because this movie did not engender in one the desire to pay detailed attention. Consequently some of the below has been interpolated, possibly to the extent of fabrication.
So, grillions of years ago these aliens build a MACHINE out of wood (and maybe some metal) and they bury it under the middle of Europe or something. I don't quite remember if it was pre-human or not but in a Fifth Element ripoff when people show up they build a cult around this thing. The priests of this cult are recognized by the government. In this universe "governments" are series of corporate syndicates, which are warring. Also, apparently there's a mass exodus from Earth to Mars.
Anyway, during a battle between two syndicates--but not necessarily as a direct result of said battle--the MACHINE is unleashed and starts turning people into zombies with swordfish-nose arms. There's some kind of a key which will stop the MACHINEfrom doing this before it gets too late, but nobody knows where the key is and in order to stick it in this elite team of bullshit artists must penetrate the depths of the MACHINE and deactivate the zombie creation. The government/syndicate pays the team in tickets which are immediately distributed to their family members and therefore offer no incentive to actually complete the mission.
You get the picture. Spoiler alert: They succeed, but many of them die.
i keep thinking we've watched the worst movie we've seen in a very long time and it just keeps getting topped. i told moster we should turn this one off, but he cited the netflix rules of the house. if anyone knows me i'll watch pretty much everything and anything. i have only turned off one movie ever and that was in the early 90's. a little horrible movie called "matinee". this would have been number two. in fact, this movie was a number two. all people involved in the making of this movie should be banned from ever attempting to make another movie. the editing was horrible. the story was uninteresting, and the directing i think was trying to be super edgy and cool, but it just came off hokey and bad. all the wrong things were put in the spotlight. 20 or more minutes were spent in the beginning describing this futuristic alterno- world and that was the last we heard about the way of life because the "mutants" destroyed any remnants of it in 5 minutes of slashing and killing. i could go on, but i feel it's pointless. don't watch this. this is going on my "worst movies" list
This movie wasn't so much poor as it was bad. The CG was terrible. The writing, brought to you buy the same jackass as the writer of fucking Event Horizon, was abysmally wretched. (It's my opinion that the screenwriter is related to Michael Eisner, but I don't know that and I can't verify it.) The acting--including a performance which John Malkovich gave from a payphone in Abu Dabi--was garbage. The production didn't have enough clicks.
Often I joke about being in the conference room at SyFy when they choose to air a movie. This takes the cake. I wish I was there when they passed on this movie.