Sunday, November 14, 2010
Director: Michael Bay
Writer: Hasbro, i mean, Ehren Kruger, Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman
Starring: The Beef, the fox in tight white skinny jeans, and some other peoples
Brought to you in part by General Motors, Sprint, State Farm, and Cisco, this movie reveals that The Beef and The Fox have had sex since the first movie.
this was super fantastic! we had a really fun time laughing at this movie. it really is a travesty, but i guess it's like watching hitler get a pineapple shoved up his ass. wait, is it? you know what i mean. maybe it's more like watching a train full of terrible people derailing with no survivors. we made fun of this movie for hours and, now days after it's viewing. i'm not really sure how "the fallen" had his revenge, since he was defeated without completing his mission of ten trillion kerjillion years, and was killed pretty darn easily. and didn't kill the beef. and didn't sully megan fox's white pants. i guess he destroyed the great pyramids.... and i guess he found that sun devourer thingy. fat lot a good it did him though.... but, man, it was a good time had at the orienter house. really. i can't wait for the next one to come out.
oh, the matrix of leadership. you can't pay someone enough for gold like that.
There's enough fucking garbage in this movie to make eleven Transformers movies, and while I don't think we'll get quite to eleven I think we'll get past three. Hooray.
If you want to look for sense here, I think you'll need a very special sort of divining rod. Beef is reluctant to go off to college even though his parents need to be shot in the face immediately. Megatron was buried (?) 9300 fathoms beneath the sea, which is roughly twice as deep as the ocean actually is. The Matrix of Leadership is a thing, but it's not; it's really a gift granted by the Transformer Gods (bestowed upon guess who?). Optimus Prime is the last remaining heir to the seven Prime Transformers, which implies some sort of heredity, which implies some sort of procreation, which possibly implies some sort of female transformer. (I think Transformers porn would have been preferable to this movie; oil squirting out of Optimus's crotch onto Hot Rod's face could have at least run under the credits.) The list goes on.
If you can suspend all that disbelief, you might be as Jesusy as Beef and consequently be able to forgive every other transgression on display here. Action scenes--both full-on robot fights and simple car chases--are so frenetic as to be inscrutable; and I know these things are robots, but their dialogue doesn't have to sound like narrated voiceover. As far as characterization, the closest one to "believable" is Beef himself. Everybody else, humans and robots alike, is scattershot on a piece of graph paper representing various forms of caricature, stereotype, and comic relief.
Finally, I'd like to congratulate the single most successful member of the production staff: the continuity manager. If not for the diligence of that person, Megan Fox might have looked differently in scenes which took place on the same day just because some of them were set in a small Italian town and some were set in the midst of a laser-firefight in the middle of the desert.