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284 MOVIES (released titles only)

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#50- Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown

#100- Black Swan

#200- Mysteries of Lisbon

Last- Once Upon a Time in Anatolia

Monday, January 2, 2012

The Expendables

The (disposable) Expendables (2011)
Written by Dave Callaham (yes, with an M), Sylvester Stallone
Directed by Sylvester Stallone
Starring Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Eric Roberts, Angel from Dexter,
Guest appearances masquerading as starring roles by Bruce Willis, Mickey Rourke, Jet Li, Randy Couture (?), Steve Austin
Special Appearance by Terry Crewes (as Hale Ceaser) 
I'm not actually governing, so why not cameo by Arnold Schwarzenegger (fuck! I spelled that correctly the first time.)

1. Characters
1.1 Ringleader - young, English, uses knives
1.2 American - boxer, crack shot
1.3 Asian - martial arts, poor English
1.4 Temporary Turncoat - Russian, sequel availability required
1.5 Enemy ringleader - American industrialist
1.6 Enemy stooge - South American dictator
1.7 Primary love interest FOR AMERICAN ONLY - daughter of 1.6 - will require rescue
1.8 Secondary love interest - occasional girlfriend of one of the other characters - will require totally disconnected hand-to-hand fight scene

1.9 Mickey Rourke - somewhere, anywhere
1.10 Secondary characters from other successful action films
2. Plot
2.1 Association - Group of mercenaries
2.2 Mission - Overthrow dictator (extending to industrialist as required)
2.3 Attraction - 1.6 will be rescued during the successful completion of the mission
2.4 Deaths - Only tertiary "good" characters will die.  All primary "bad" characters will die.

Now, give me a million dollars.

The Woman 
jesus christ. i love when movies like this come along. don't flip your lid because i didn't think this was a good movie by any stretch of the imagination, but the potential to make fun of this movie is an endless pit that just keeps on giving. these are some quotes from my book while watching this movie. unabridged :

  • this is like adam sandler's last dump known as "grown ups" but instead of late 80's-90's SNL not funny comics it's 80's -90's not funny action aged movie stars.
  • you can tell these dudes are hardcore because they have tattoos and drive motorcycles. it's like ernest borgnine's monologue in "baseketball"  you crazy kids and your hulahoops and zima and dan fogelbird. only an old man thinks shit like that signals hardcore tuff stuff.
  • eric roberts is the pippa middleton of this movie. he totally upstages sly in the cool. 
  • this is like "dynasty" for the juiceheads.
here's one that i didn't write down: if only sylvester stallone didn't have those cheek implants. he could be beating guys in the face with his mighty jowls. or we could go with his old man balls. same thing really. only with the testicles there would be no metaphor to his fighting. seriously i could go on forever. gold i tell you, gold.

this movie had a plot. it was just secondary to the chaos of watching these old guys (minus stathem. i guess he's not pensioner age yet and jet li doesn't count either because not only would i say 2 lines make you star in this movie, but i would also say he's asian so he can't be counted as old until he's 900) where was i? oh, yeah the plot is secondary to the nonsense of watching old men blow people up and fight and stuff. i'm not going to linger too much in the plot made by a second grader because it's obviously not the point to the movie. i will harp on the action sequences though. this was obviously what it was all about. however, let me whisper in your ear sylvester. you got that hearing aid turned up? i couldn't tell what the fuck was going on in your terribly directed action sequences. it was a jumbly mess. just guys fighting and explosions and gut spraying (that last one i did appreciate). i couldn't tell who was who. there were a couple shots where i saw the cataracts in your eyes though, maybe that was the problem? speaking of eyes what was with all the super tight shots of the face one or two of those would suffice. we didn't need one in practically every scene. you guys aren't that good of actors (exception again-the willis) your emoting makes us laugh.

we had a in depth discussion on our couch whether this was supposed to be a totally for serious serious action movie and not an over the top on purpose ridiculous fest. i think our conclusion was, sadly the latter. now where's my copy of "cobra"!

PS we are totally going to watch the sequel. rest assured mr. stallone.
PSS what's up with statham. i hate that guy. the arrogance vibe oozes from every orifice of his slimy gross personage. plus it's totally undeserved. what have you done guy to be so cool? the transporter all 11 of them? death race? i want to punch in the face with my girly ass punch. it would probably make you cry.

Oh, who cares?  This was quite fun to ridicule.  My favorite part was the POV shot after Stallone dropped to the ground and rolled onto his back to take a shot and the camera did a 180 along a perfectly straight axis, with no shakiness at all (i.e. just like it would happen in real life).

I could give you a similar few hundred words to my woman's--though I admit to not having read the whole thing yet; we don't read each other's stuff until we're done with our own--but while I took a lot of joy in watching this movie and feeling superior in every way but checking account I also wasn't really moved.  This is no First Blood : Part II, though it tries to be.

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