Queue Total

284 MOVIES (released titles only)

Note: Real spoilers are in black text on a black background. Highlight the black areas to read the spoilers.

Queue Numbers

#50- Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown

#100- Black Swan

#200- Mysteries of Lisbon

Last- Once Upon a Time in Anatolia

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Bitch Slap

Bitch Slap (2009)
Written by Eric Gruendemann, Rick Jacobson
Directed by Rick Jacobson
Starring Julia Voth, Erin Cummings, America Olivo, Zoe Bell (but not exactly) and dr. lee from general hospital

three women criminals are looking for some sort of treasure in the middle of nowhere. fake boobs, cat fights, short skirts, and salty language.

There was entertainment here, and plenty of it.  It extended well beyond the jiggly honkers, which is good because those were covered most of the time.  This was definitely supposed to play as a satire of chicksploitation movies and in that vein it succeeded admirably.

It's clear from frame one that nobody in front of the camera has ever--or will ever--sit on a stage with James Lipton.

The stunts were supposed to be outrageous and they were.  (Six cheers for Zoe Bell!) The language was supposed to be, "Ooh.  Those girls have dirty mouths," and they did.  I think the plot was supposed to be nonsensical, but even if it wasn't it was.

Action was shot on one location and in front of one green screen.  Again it showed.  Again it was supposed to.  The sex was actually hotter than one might expect given the amount of clothing involved.

This movie is like a pair of fake boobies.  Fun to look at, occasionally fun to bounce around, but you just can't sink your teeth into 'em the same way.

The Woman
i don't know. i think i enjoyed this. it was on that snakes on a plane line. it might have not achieved awesomness because it was trying a little too hard. i will say that i am dorky enough to have noticed that both xena and her sidekick, and hercules and his sidekick were all bit parts, and that knowledge entertained me. i can't figure out what audience this was made for. dave tonucci? i'm just kidding. it seemed geared towards men, with all the lesbian big boobed barbie action and cat fighting, but there was no real skin. too much language for a sy-fy original, and yet not enough umph to make it outrageous enough to not be confused with a sy-fy original. i would totally recommend to dorky dorks, i'm not naming names...wait i may have already, sorry again tonucci, but it may please the court that you are not the only name on the list in my brain. you guys know who you are (plus i consider myself one among the ranks). i think you may sort of enjoy this, maybe. don't blame me if you don't. like i said i'm not sure how i feel about this. how about this pitch: if you like boobs and saturday night sy- fy premiers then you'll probably dig this movie. yeah. that's what i meant. well put.


  1. I proudly sit in the ranks with said "dorks"!

  2. 1.) I think MOster's boob analogy should be his new rating standard

    2.) However, The Woman's "tonucci would like" standard I find much more helpful. Arguably the single most helpful standard I've ever read. This also should be the new standard.