Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)


Director: Steven Spielberg
Writers: David Koepp (screenplay)
               George Lucas (story)
               Jeff Nathanson(story)


Starring: Harrison Ford, Shia the Beef,  Cate Blanchette, Karen Allen, and the dude who has the alien pop out of his stomach in "alien"


Synopsis: ummmm. aging awesomeness in nuclear age= lame alien story told in a way that not only doesn't make any sense, but the characters don't even believe what is going on. ok. for serious, this is the best i can do: henry jones jr. fights the commies and the red fear, sending him, for some reason, to central america to find a kidnapped friend, and figure out where el dorado is to return an alien skull because......um... george lucas says so? he discovers he has a son with former tough lady friend karen allen, who barely speaks through out the movie, and can only be found if you look for the woman clinging to old indiana's arm. jungles, alien skull, alien skull, jungle, primitive central american hostiles, alien skull, commies, skull, skull, skull, temple, aliens, the amazon river. the end

MOster I am quite confident that numerous multimillionaires congratulated each other upon the completion of this production; and unfortunately it netted a half a billion dollars globally.  That means that there are some hundred million people who were bilked out of their money.

Pre-production of this film must have been like an elaborate game of telephone in which five (drunk) people watched other, more original movies and told anecdotes to ten other (high) people who turned those misremembered snippets into this crap.  What little variation from earlier incarnations of the franchise consisted of answers to questions nobody ever asked (e.g. Indy was a decorated soldier and spy (when?!), his parents were having problems, he slept with a lot of girls in his day).  Neither was Spielberg immune to this hackery, treating what are probably two of the ten most telegraphed reveals of all time with the gravity of "I am your father," and entire shots and setups taken from everywhere you can imagine from himself and Lucas, through Peter Jackson, and back to Rob Reiner.

Aliens in Mayan times; McCarthyism with no point other than to move the plot (when a couple of lines would have saved us the pain of watching Beef motorcycle next to a moving train); the old guy  feeling his oats; the betrayal of an old friend (usually in the third act but here coming in 10:00, out at 70:00, and back at 100:00); greed leading to death; and the ENTIRE FUCKING SPEEDER BIKE SCENE are on a list of vague--or blatant--ripoffs which would be even longer if I wasn't nodding off near the middle. Indy even said, "I've got a bad feeling about this."

In a movie such as this normal questions of physics must give way to the suspension of disbelief, but normal questions of common sense don't have to.  I don't know how many times I had to tell Leila that whatever alien artifact was around was bending spacetime to allow (e.g.) people who were half a mile apart to immediately be next to each other.  But that turned out to be correct, because these were INTERDIMENSIONAL aliens, you see.

With the exception of William Hurt, whose performance as a fellow archeologist driven crazy by the aliens was better than Ford's, the cast was B- at best.   Karen Allen stood out as that chick from that other Indiana Jones movie who forgot how to act while she was working as a cashier (which is understandable).  I guess I could say that and James Broadbent and the guy who plays Charles Widmore did a good job of reading their three lines each.


This movie was like a community college improv group doing a parody of a generic action/adventure script.  Seriously, "Phantom Menace" was better than this.

[ETA: I totally forgot about Cate Blanchett until I read Leila's review. Her intermittent accent was the bomb.  Not da bomb; the bomb.]

The Woman:  i might have given away my opinion of this steaming pile of sith in the synopsis. i think from here after i might pretend that this movie doesn't exist to preserve my admiration of the other installments of indiana jones.  the characters still, by the end of the movie don't know what aliens are, after two and a half? hours of "wait, what is this?" WE GET IT. THE SKULL IS AN ALIEN SKULL. THE MAYANS THOUGHT ALIENS WERE THE GODS. jeebus. george lucas needs electro-shock therapy to regain his creative process. maybe the first star wars movies were just a fluke. rehashing old story lines and scenes, i.e. the chase scene in the amazon, which resembled so much a certain chase scene on endor, and was also pretty much the only scene reminiscent of a real indiana jones movie, just doesn't cut it for anyone anymore. what the heck does that say!?! even cate blanchette who could do no wrong before this, fails at a decent russian accent. i mean just in the first sequence being blown up in a nuclear explosion....indiana jones has escaped death before, but not in such a tom and jerry way. even if the refrigerator was not incinerated and was somehow miraculously blown free of the radioactive dust that once was the house, a human body inside would be either (i can't decide) liquified, or baked like a cake. i can't continue. it hurt my soul to watch this. like if someone took your dog raped it, and lit it on fire in front of you. it's exactly like south park said it would be. i can't figure out what audience this was made for. a bunch of cryogenically frozen 12-14 year old boys, from the late 80's/ early 90's, who suffered immense brain damage in the thawing process, remembering only details from the other indiana jones movies, so they would get all the in jokes, and yet not care the level at which this was a mockery of the former. also they would have an infantile sense of humor, so they would laugh at all the children's humor to be found in this over budgeted, over worked poo fest. my final impression is a movie made entirely of plot devices and meaningless conversation to propagate said plot devices, and the pay off is given away in the first 15 minutes.


 dear spielberg and lucas, stop trying to re release your former glory. either retire and live off of your ridiculous savings, or kill yourselves so people will remember your legend, and think of you fondly. wait, it's about ten years too late for that. never mind. squander your means until there is nothing left, and live out the rest of your days destitute old, senile and smelly. you can't continuously piss off your audience and expect them to come back forever. sooner or later even the most idiotic of us will get hip to your game. 

Beyond a Reasonable Doubt

Beyond a Reasonable Doubt (2009)


Director: Peter Hyams
Writer: Peter Hyams (screenplay)
             Douglas Morrow (1956 screenplay)
Starring: Jesse Metcalfe, Amber Tamblyn, Michael Douglas, Orlando Jones


Synopsis: reporter tries to trick the crooked district attorney, who has been faking dna evidence to bolster his conviction rate by implicating himself in a murder.

The Woman only: LAME. i'm just going to say right now that i only finished this movie because of this blog. it was almost unbearable. this was like the courtroom drama version of a syfy original movie. the two leads played by miguel from nbc's daytime drama "passions" and amber tamblyn most memorable to me as emily quartermaine in abc's daytime drama "general hospital" were the most horribly acted roles i've seen in a "movie" for quite some time. i mean rivaling hayden christensen as anakin skywalker, particularly in "attack of the clones". it was that bad. and then we have michael douglas to round out the game of which one of these things is not like the other, which one of these things just doesn't belong. the writing, of course did not help, but it sounded like they were doing cold readings through the whole disaster of a movie.

moving onto the plot....stupid trying to play intrigue. there's also a stupid twist at the end that i didn't see coming...because i didn't care. there were supposed to be funny lines in it, but the timing was so bad, it just enhanced the extreme quality of this piece of flaming poo. the banter between the leads was so annoying and ungenuine when it was supposed to be clever. ugh. my thoughts while i was watching it brought me back to the first time i saw the spice girls. i thought they were a joke commercial for mtv. this was bordering the ridiculous on that level. like nuh-uh, for serious? this is a movie that a studio green lighted? did anyone watch the footage while it was being made? i can't imagine that someone okay-ed the release of this to the public. the last line of the movie is "fuck you" and i firmly believe that was the director laughing at anyone who saw this.

Uncertainty

Uncertainty (2009)


Directors: Scott McGehee
                David Siegel
Writers: Scott McGehee

                David Siegel

Starring: Joseph Gordon- Levitt, Lynn Collins

Synopsis:  a young couple is standing on the brooklyn bridge pondering what they should do about their unplanned pregnancy and their july 4th plans. option 1- they go to manhattan to a friends kegger option 2- they go to queens to the chick's family bbq.  the movie is a mish-mash on how either plan would play out.

manhattan= suspense/ action movie. queens= indie's version of drama (which i usually interpret as booooring)

The Woman only: i don't get how i feel about this movie. i guess you could say i was uncertain.....oh, snap! i found most of it interesting, but the ending was typical indie no ending, and you can't get away with that kind of crap when depicting a suspense/ action movie. there was also no real discussion on the whole pregnancy thing. they talked around it the entire movie, and then just resigned to do nothing about it at all. it was filmed well. and the concept is mostly original, with the word play of the title and the indecision of portraying two completely different styles tackling the same subject matter, and the question of what the two characters should do throughout the movie. i labored over the rating of this movie. i ended up giving it a "i liked it" three stars, but i think perhaps it's more of a two and three eighths "i wouldn't say i didn't like it". my ultimate recommendation is: i'm sure there are better things to do with your time than watch this movie.

Gunga Din

Gunga Din (1939)
Starring Douglas Fairbanks, Jr., Carey Grant, Victor MacLaglen
Director George Stevens


Synopsis (by MOster)
Cutter (Grant) and his troupe of cutups are British soldiers in India in the late 19th century.  After purchasing a map (largely believed to have been a scam) to a legendary city of gold, they begin to encounter members of a murderous cult of Indians (English actors in brownface, supplemented by the occasional non-speaking actual Indian).  Eventually, Grant finds his treasure as well as the cult.  Hijinks ensue, white people are superior, women are completely disregarded.


Woman
granted you have to overlook the whole dated thing- i.e. the use of shoe polish for the indians, and the whole "the sun never sets on the british empire" long live queen victoria, "yes, but do you have a flag?" thing, but this was good. looking at cary grant for two hours helps too. there was a lot of inventive camera angles for the time, and the plot kept my interest. all in all it seemed to be a slight influence for "indiana jones and the temple of doom" which tends to disappoint my faith in steven spielberg once having original thought and vision. oh well. it does put us in a great mood to watch the rumored aberration that is the next indiana jones installment. stay tuned kids. it's coming soon. and subsequently, if you're in the mood for a good epic old movie this would be my recommendation. i would take cary grant over douglas fairbanks any day. just thought i'd throw that in there.


MOster
Despite how I wrote that synopsis, there's a lot to like about this movie.  The plot is the plot, but I'd be willing to bet that it was a whole lot more unique when it was released; and my general advice to those who undertake this movie is that you must take it with 70-odd years of salt.  This covers the acting (I LOVE upper-crust Cary Grant's intermittent northern-English accent), the plot as mentioned, and the generally disgusting attitude that both the characters and the production staff take towards the Indians.  A disclaimer in the beginning about the cult which is portrayed may or may not be true, but that doesn't change the overall condescension.


With all that said, the "things to like," can be broken into two categories.  Firstly, the experience as a consumer of entertainment is actually fun.  The acting of the three leads and the interactions of their characters are often giggle-inducing.  And below (and through) the giggles you can really see the camaraderie they share and how deep (in my opinion too deep) their affection and bond go.  Some of the secondary characters are just plain ridiculous, some really are offensive, but many pull their weight admirably among the giants.


From a technical perspective--and my own standpoint of ironically-hypocritical condescension) there are a lot of really interesting things going on here.  Not being an actual film historian I can't really know how much of what they did was "new," but  there are some really great shots and some actual camera movement which must have been quite difficult to execute.  There are also a few spaces of editing which, while laughable by today's standards, are taken for granted in more modern undertakings.  Similarly, there are many special effects which obviously influenced later works.


All in all, this movie is far above the median when compared with the cinematic feces through which we regularly wade.

The Conversation

The Conversation (1974)

Director: Francis Ford Coppola
Writer: Francis Ford Coppola
Starring: Gene Hackman, shirley (from laverne and shirley), a very young harrison ford, terri garr has a line or two, fredo from the godfather, and robert duvall

Synopsis- a very paranoid surveillance guy records a conversation for a corporate "director". this brings up issues from his past. what will happen? what does this conversation mean? is someone going to be murdered? probably. should he break his rules and interfere? he already has by trying to figure out what the heck the conversation is about. downward spiral.

The Woman- this movie was on the good side of ok. there is an interpreted mental breakdown of the main character, which is always confusing without being stated outright. that's where things got confusing for me because, i, as the viewer was not sure what was real and what was hallucination, and was left with an open ending. but as a whole it was an interesting movie, with a twist in the end. a good character study, and a fascinating subject of surveillance, and privacy.

Moster- There were many things about this movie which I liked a lot.  Hackman's performance was quite good; and there were no bad apples in the rest of the bunch.  As we watch the plot unfolding, there are questions about what Harry (Hackman) will do with what he knows; and neither what he nor we saw played out in the expected fashion.

The movie does a good job of showing both sides of the people in the surveillance industry.  Many (or most, if this is to be believed) are on the cavalier side of it:  knowing how easy it is to watch someone they just live their lives and joke about watching and being watched.  The other side is the paranoid hypocrite:  knowing how easy it is to watch someone they wonder if they're being watched and try to work against something which may or may not happen.  This makes up the better, psychological aspect of the movie.  On one hand Harry is obtaining information and wondering if he should involve himself (and how).  On the other he slowly deteriorates as his reputation as the best has him looking over his shoulder.

The Incredible Hulk

Synopsis (by MOster)
With the Hulk origin story relegated to flashbacks in the opening credits, the movie follows Bruce Banner as he is discovered hiding in South America, chased back to ex-flame Liv Tyler, and pursued by William Hurt and neo-Hulk Tim Roth.

The Woman
remember superman 2, with the whole "kneel before general zod" thing? yeah, if you do, there is no need to watch this movie because, with the exception of a few details it's the exact same plot . superman 2 did a better job too, with their 80's special effects capabilities. i like edward norton too. bad choice mr. norton. well, at least it wasn't as big of a train wreck as the fantastic four movies. maybe they rehashed the superman 2 plot because it's a dc comic, and therefore doesn't exist in the marvel universe?

MOster
This really didn't do much to keep my interest and I don't really have anything to say about it.  Most of the performances were fine, and the technical stuff was fine as well.  But I don't think there was anything new in the entire two hours.  Squandering the origin was a mistake in my opinion as that's the only part with any potential for variation.  Even taking that into account, the story could have been more interesting.  For example there could have been a love triangle between Tim Roth and Edward Norton and Liv Tyler.  But there wasn't.  The movie followed one thread through no entanglements to an easily-predictable "climactic" battle and ending.  Even the lead-in for potential sequels (cameo by Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark) was rote.

You Kill Me

Synopsis (by the woman)

alchoholic hitman from buffalo,ny goes into treatment in san fransisco. he finds love with another dry, and boring emotionless lady.

MOster

I remarked early in the viewing of this movie that I like how Ben Kingsley has such a wide range.  His subtle, fairly natural peformance kept me hopeful through the first half-hour, then I tried to stay in denial about my apathy until I found us having a conversation which had nothing to do with the movie.    When I saw Tea Leoni's name on the list of executive producers I was worried, and I was right.  She apparently does not know how to pick a script.

I really wanted to see something happen with this character, some actual conflict or tribulation  in his strive for 

sobriety.  Sure, he falls off the wagon a couple of times, but there are no real consequences.  In fact, I think the story would have been more believeable if it fallen back to formula.  If it had taken him more than ONE SCENE to win Tea Leoni back after he blew off a huge dinner that she cooked specially for him (and spent the next few hours saying mean things about him to the television.)

Rounding out the A plot (such as it was) were a decent enough performance by Luke Wilson as Kingsley's AA sponsor (and the only performance with any chemistry with Kingsley)... and Bill Pullman, native of Hornell New York, chewing scenery and shitting out a bad characature of a Eugene Levy performance.

Higher on the list of "things about which MOster did not give a fuck while watching his move," was this entire subplot back in Buffalo.  The Polish mob of which he is the only hit man is losing to Dennis Farina's Irish?!.  They die, but we don't care and other than shooting people Kingsley's character doesn't really seem to care, either.

The Woman

BORING. the trailer to this movie was highly misleading. hijinx were supposed to ensue. there were no hijinx in the northern hemisphere while this movie was in progress. with a cast like ben kingsley, tea leoni, bill pullman, dennis farina, and luke wilson, you think something interesting could be pulled out of one of these actor's asses. man, it's a good thing i was knitting some socks while watching this movie or i would have slept through this boring, uninteresting hour and a half time block.