Hot Tub Time Machine

Hot Tub Time Machine (2010)
Written by Josh Heald, Sean Anders, John Morris
Directed by Steve Pink
Starring John Cusack, Craig Robinson, Rob Corddry, Clark Duke, Crispin Glover

Synopsis
John Cusack attempts to recapture the glory of his 80s movies by setting a movie in the 80s.


The Woman
truly mediocre. this did not live up to expectations. i expected random stupid humor (which is funny). i got really dumb plot with bad humor. eh. forgetful at best. i refuse to use anymore words on this movie.


MOster
I didn't have very high expectations for this movie going in.  I was told that it was offensively misogynistic and homophobic (I really don't like that word for its intended context, but it's another battle I'll NEVER win) and I didn't find that to be the case, exactly.  If anything, the film is merely representative of the culture it attempts to represent and while the characters are that way...

Wait, I'm changing my opinion mid-stream.  The film doesn't have respect for anybody, but one scene in particular is pretty extremely disrespectful to women.  You can chalk up the homophobic commentary to the period, but when the characters are in the present day they're just as bad; because people still think that sort of thing is funny, if by "people" you mean "assholes."  Also, they're still 21st century dudes even when they're in 20th century bodies.

Aside from that, the movie was dumb.  I chuckled a couple of times, but I really didn't care.  There's this whole plot with one character who may or may not exist in the future but we're given no reason to believe that he's a contributing member of society.  In fact, we're given no reason to believe that anyone outside of a secondary love interest is a contributing member of society.

I'm not a huge John Cusack fan; but I used to like his movies a lot more than this one.  There was really nothing here.

Shaolin Soccer

Shaolin Soccer (2001)
Written by Stephen Chow, Kan-Cheung Tsang
Directed by Stephen Chow
Starring Stephen Chow, Man Tat Ng, Wei Zhao, Yin Tse

Synopsis
down on his luck ex-soccer star finds guy obsessed with kung fu and the shaolin way. they make a soccer team with all kung fu masters.

MOster
This was pretty cool.  It wasn't at all what I expected.  I don't know why, but I expected Mr. Chow to be teaching a group of Shaolin monks to play soccer in order to save their monastery or something.  Instead we get a story of multiple redemption / self re-discovery.  Each plot is equally rote, so it doesn't matter that much.

As with any formula application, it's all about the minor variables.  Some of the stuff was too far over the top for me.  The coach of "team evil," for example, was supposed to be joyously transparent but it didn't come off that way for me.  Similarly, Golden Leg was supposed to have had this one moment of weakness but we didn't get very much background as to why he felt the need to do so.  After he's abused by the one guy he spends 20 years being abused.  Why?  Is naivete even an excuse for this?

Good guy or bad guy?

What do you think?

But pantomime like this is definitely one of Chow's things, so I shouldn't let myself become too riled.  And if you take this extreme example out of the picture, you're left with... well, alright. You're left with a whole bunch of sacks who are far to sad to really exist and one man with the drive to make a difference in their lives.  Does he make that difference?  What do you think?

Again, who really cares?  We're watching this movie because it's a Stephen Chow spectacle, and even though the plot here is far more comprehensible than his earlier stuff  it is equally insignificant to the enjoyment of the experience.  The inventiveness of the styles is his strong point and that's where the movie shines.  Each of the brothers of Chow's character has his own kung fu technique; and they all get their due in both fights and games.  By and large the way the characters handle the ball with their kung fu is actually useful to the game and not cheating.

So, when the inevitable happens we don't really feel cheated either.

The Woman
very similar to kung fu hustle in it's style. the story was pretty disney sports movie. the misfits surprise everyone and make a great kick ass team. i laughed a couple times. i fell asleep in the middle for a bit. you know.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part II
Written by Steve Kloves, J.K. Rowling (like bowling)
Directed by David Yates
Starring The same people from all the other ones, but I'm putting an asterisk on Rickman

Synopsis
this time it's for realsies.

MOster
The last time I wrote about this I talked specifically about judging these movies separately as adaptations and films.  (Note here that I'm not going to concern myself with marking spoilers.)  From a critical perspective, I think this was less successful on both fronts.  However, it succeeds admirably as "fan service" and that's all that's required to push it over the gargillion-dollar mark. 

Looking at the technical, almost everything is at the same level as Part I.  Direction is competent if not earth-shattering, with a few standout shots here and there.  CG is at the top of the field, and this time they used the cloak where it should have been used.  The acting in general is at the same level, with two exceptions:  Some of the performances obviously revel in the joy of completing the project and participating in the positive outcome of the story.  And in his few scenes, Rickman actually tells his character's story with his eyes rather than the significantly reduced quantity of words that survived the transition from book to film.

As a standalone movie, there would be no point in watching this on its own.  It might be an interesting exercise, but I challenge you to find someone with the critical capacity who hadn't seen any of the other movies.

If you view the pair as a four hour movie then it's a decent experience.  The story is compelling enough, tension is built and diffused, and while the ending is still telegraphed from the Warner Brothers logo (because, seriously, in how many mainstream studio films does the bad guy win?) I could see it being a fun ride.  While you wouldn't get all of the interplay or in-jokes that you would if you'd seen the all the films in the franchise, you'd probably still be near the edge of your seat when the producer wants you to.  As a fanboy, the movie needed do only one thing to make me happy, and it put those five words in Molly's mouth.  So, there you go.

As an adaptation I have some real issues with how some things came about; and I don't really see a lot of reason why, for example, we needed Neville to go and bomb a bridge instead of making his speech and pulling the sword out of the hat in front of the crowd rather than off on his own.  And Harry giving those instructions to Neville was a great little scene in the book. He didn't need another minute with Ron and Hermione. The epilogue was completely unnecessary in both the film and the book; yet they wasted ten minutes on platform 9.75 when they could have given us those last ten minutes in the Headmaster's office, showing Harry fixing his wand.  All that would have required is another 30 seconds of dialog in the first movie underlining the importance Harry placed on that wand.  They also could have reshaped the epilogue into something else, like a quick scene of the kids being sorted or a quick scene of them in a history class learning about Snape or a few more scenes with some closure on any number of tertiary characters, or even something that Rowling wanted to add that could be a nice Easter egg for people who paid to watch the movie.

At the end of the day, even though it fulfilled my one requirement and even though I cried like a baby all the time, I really wasn't satisfied.  But you probably will be, because you're not me.

The Woman
i don't really remember the book. i always appreciate that when it comes to watching the harry potter movies for the first time. i couldn't tell you most of the things that were different. i could tell you one in particular, but i won't. oh, and it's really vague about the horcrux theme which was weird. if you have two movies portraying one book you have the time to explain voldemort's choices in soul holder thingies. i don't really get why they would leave that out. i guess that's why i liked the first part better. it was more hopeless, and oh shit we have no idea what we're doing no explanation needed. it was just tighter. i enjoyed this one, but i don't know how it stands alone.

still. we will watch this movie 9 trillion times like all the other ones because they are good and interesting...well maybe not the first two, but they are essential.

Royal Tramp

Royal Tramp (1992)
Written by Jing Wong, Louis Cha (book, really?)
Directed by Siu-Tung Ching, Jing Wong, Gordon Chan
Starring Stephen Chow, Sharla Cheung, Chingmay Yau

Synopsis
This court jester dude becomes entangled in the politics of the nation, essentially becoming an octuple agent as he falls into the service of every spy organization in the country.  Thankfully, he has a lot of spectacular fights along the way.

Woman (by proxy)
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Is it over yet?  Good.

MOster
I actually tried to pay attention to the plot here.  I guess it's based on some sort of Chinese legend from the Ming Dynasty, but the notion of why this one dude was supposed to be overthrown was completely over my head.  Given that legend notion from the Netrflix jacket and the "novel" credit on IMDB maybe this was an adaptation where people were expected to know the story going in.

I'll give it that credit because I don't really give a fuck about the plot.  This was chock full of some great multi-style kung fu.  The production was a little on the low side, even for the early 90s, but again I don't care.  The choreography was great and the moves themselves were a lot of fun.  You could see the wires in a couple of shots, but since you know they're there anyway it's not too difficult to suspend disbelief.

This was a cool exhibition.  You can watch it muted and/or as a montage and you'll have a good time.

Skyline

SKYLINE (2010)

Writer: Joshua Cordes, Liam O'Donnell
Director: THE STRAUSE BROTHERS
Starring: Eric Balfour, the kid from clueless, the chick from sweet valley high, and some actress playing eric balfour's knocked up old lady

Synopsis
you know the deal. aliens invade kill a ton of humans at once and then slowly pick off the remaining ones with their different, more personal service aliens.

The Woman
uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh. this was amazingly bad borderline awesome in the beginning, but got pretty old pretty quickly. and the movie is only an hour and twenty something. there was no developing plot. i think perhaps that is why it began to drag because nothing changed. there were no plans for escape.  and, no, the nuclear bomb didn't work...i don't know why we even keep that technology around because that shit never works. so after all that dragging, limping, and hiding around the ending was TOTALLY LAME! i wasn't expecting a keyser soze ending or anything, but it didn't make much sense. it wasn't an ending. the ending of this movie should have happened an hour in and then there could have been some movement a climax aaaaaaaand end.

what's with the obsession with using early 90's bad teen tv show actors? i was waiting for lisa turtle to jump out. maybe she was an alien. this reminded me of a syfy original with an outrageous budget, but at least syfy originals now exactly what they are and revel in their bad writing and poor plot, and use of actors no one has heard from in fifteen years.

The Tourist

The Tourist (2010)

Writer: Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck, Christopher McQuarrie, Julian Fellowes
Director: Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck
Starring: Johnny Depp, Angelina fish lips Jolie

Synopsis
a chick who is being followed by scotland yard because her boyfriend who she hasn't seen in two years stole a hundreds of millions of dollars? no pounds? no euros? from a british gangster who surrounds himself with russian henchmen to make himself seem more hardcore, owes back taxes on stolen money? hence the scotland yard issue, and has had plastic surgery so no one knows what he looks like, gets on a train and convinces the authorities that the american, johnny depp, is said boyfriend. cops figure it out that he isn't, but british/russian mob guy does not.

The Woman
this was HORRIBLE! angelina jolie should not speak in an english accent. she doesn't do it very well. it just made me want her to explode even more than usual. i dislike her. also timothy dalton doesn't help the situation. is it just me or does he make everyone guffaw.

anyway, back to the horribleness of this movie. their immediate "romance" came off as super sacchariney and schmaltzy. it was like a bad grocery store romance novel. there were also several elements that seemed very similar to stanley donen's "arabesque" which, being a donen flick, is seriously super awesome. johnny depp is no carey grant, and the fishlips lady is not even in the same level of dimension as audrey hepburn. it hurts my fingers just putting them in the same sentence. i don't know if there was some homage thing going on, but either way FAIL. it just ended up putting into perspective how awesome "arabesque" is and how terrible this movie is. the ending is also not shocking. they kind of gave it away in the trailers.

don't even bother. this movie sucks.

Tickets

Tickets (2005)


Writer: Abbas Kiarostami, Paul Laverty, Emanno Olmi
Director:  Abbas Kiarostami, Ken Loach, Emanno Olmi
Starring: the italian masses. seriously, it was a three piece thing and i'm not putting that much work into this.

Synopsis
Three vaguely-intersecting stories about a train ride include a tale of lost love and regret; a tale of why sometimes it's good to run away from home; and a tale of charity born of morals.


The Woman
this just solidified my dislike of italian cinema. don't care for. nope. i left and took a shower 2/3rds of the way through. i have only liked one italian movie and i absolutely hated it most of the way through and it had tilda swinton workin' it. i'm sure there are more out there that i would find perhaps acceptable, but i would not want to put myself through the process of discovering them. oh, i guess i enjoyed "la strada". there you go. two.

MOster
Yes, I understand why my estimable Woman didn't appreciate this; and I don't discount her opinion.  Like much Italian cinema this was a slow trip from 1 to 1.2.  Given the cramped nature of the setting, there wasn't much opportunity for schmancy camera work or major setups, but there were no major missteps either.  You always felt like you were in a train, so OK.

What I did like about this movie is that it was about people making choices which were quite easy on paper but quite difficult in practice.  The individual stories around how each character came to his or her conclusion are what held my interest, even if I chored through the last ten minutes only to find out what the Irish kids did.