Amateur

Amateur (1994)


Writer: Hal Hartley
Director: Hal Hartley
Starring: Isabelle Huppert, Martin Donovan, Elina Lowensohn

Synopsis
This ex-nun, while writing pornographic literature (poorly) meets a dude who had just fallen from a window.  The dude now has amnesia.  They intersect with a woman and another dude and it turns out that the first dude was a pimp/video pornographer for the second woman.  Of course, the French or Dutch mob is involved.  The four of them for a reason which I don't understand--which may be because I was nodding off, but I don't think so--all end up running together.  Then people die and other people are sad.

The Woman
i'm getting sick of bad movies. we seem to be in a terrible streak. this was trying really hard, too hard in fact, to be clever and philosophical. it just came off as bad. like bad performance art. the plot was uninteresting. the characters were uninteresting and unengaging. i'm glad it's over. it caused a domestic dispute in house too. moster fell asleep and when i called him out on it he got mad at me because he wouldn't admit it even though i was watching him roll his eyes and bob his head more than i was watching this crap movie.

the ending was a total cliche too.

MOster
This reeked of "student."  Acting was middling-to-fair; production was independent of any type of finance, which is not nearly as big a problem as the fact that it's independent of any creativity.  The writing wasn't even film school senior.  The direction was blah.

Also, my woman's synopsis of the argument is incorrect; but I will not have this argument again.

From Paris with Love

From Paris with Love (2010)


Writer: Adi Hasak, Luc Besson
Director: Pierre Morel
Starring: Jonathan Rhys Meyers, John Travolta,

Synopsis
a small time intelligence guy working in the us embassy as an assistant gets bumped up to working with the edgy, working on the fringe, super hardcore agent guy and becomes involved in stopping a middle eastern terrorist cell, some drug trafficking, and some car chases and some gun fights, and an assassination plot

The Woman
bad. just watch some buddy cop movies from the early nineties. they were way more successful at buddy cop movies and had more going on than this piece of crap. seriously, this was just lethal weapon in france with john travolta and less of a plot and more gun fights and rocket launchers. there was nothing associated with this movie that could be called original, or a unique perspective. maybe adi hasak was the name of the machine that luc besson created to poop out plot keywords and then they just added "the"s and "and"s to it.

p.s. jonathan rhys meyers had the worst american accent i've ever heard. he should never be cast as an american without endless hours of a coach. i was less distracted by the disappearing southern accent by bruce willis in armageddon.

don't watch this movie.

sometimes i wonder if tarantino is ashamed he brought the travolta back from the dead.

I Love You, Man

I Love You, Man (2009)


Writer: John Hamburg, Larry Levin
Director: John Hamburg
Starring: Paul Rudd, Jason Segel, Rashida Jones

Synopsis
a recently engaged man realizes he has no male friends and goes on a quest for a best friend.

MOster
I expected an offended shmer and I got an innocuous shmeh.  That's about half a letter grade of improvement.  
The Woman
i thought this was mildly funny. i wasn't expecting a whole lot. it was a pretty straight forward paul rudd movie. i laughed more than once. i think this movie's topic is pretty true and common. good job everybody.

Mutant Chronicles

Mutant Chronicles (2008)


Writer: Philip Eisner
Director: Simon Hunter
Starring: the new version of christopher lambert, seriously, they look extremely similar. other people like the Ron Perlman and Devon Aoki

Synopsis
Ooh... I get to write the synopsis for this one?  Awesome. I am excited, not least because this movie did not engender in one the desire to pay detailed attention.  Consequently some of the below has been interpolated, possibly to the extent of fabrication.

So, grillions of years ago these aliens build a MACHINE out of wood (and maybe some metal) and they bury it under the middle of Europe or something.  I don't quite remember if it was pre-human or not but in a Fifth Element ripoff when people show up they build a cult around this thing.  The priests of this cult are recognized by the government.  In this universe "governments" are series of corporate syndicates, which are warring.  Also, apparently there's a mass exodus from Earth to Mars.

Anyway, during a battle between two syndicates--but not necessarily as a direct result of said battle--the MACHINE is unleashed and starts turning people into zombies with swordfish-nose arms.  There's some kind of a key which will stop the MACHINEfrom doing this before it gets too late, but nobody knows where the key is and in order to stick it in this elite team of bullshit artists must penetrate the depths of the MACHINE and deactivate the zombie creation.  The government/syndicate pays the team in tickets which are immediately distributed to their family members and therefore offer no incentive to actually complete the mission.

You get the picture.  Spoiler alert: They succeed, but many of them die.



The Woman
i keep thinking we've watched the worst movie we've seen in a very long time and it just keeps getting topped. i told moster we should turn this one off, but he cited the netflix rules of the house. if anyone knows me i'll watch pretty much everything and anything. i have only turned off one movie ever and that was in the early 90's. a little horrible movie called "matinee". this would have been number two. in fact, this movie was a number two. all people involved in the making of this movie  should be banned from ever attempting to make another movie. the editing was horrible. the story was uninteresting, and the directing i think was trying to be super edgy and cool, but it just came off hokey and bad. all the wrong things were put in the spotlight. 20 or more minutes were spent in the beginning describing this futuristic alterno- world and that was the last we heard about the way of life because the "mutants" destroyed any remnants of it in 5 minutes of slashing and killing. i could go on, but i feel it's pointless. don't watch this. this is going on my "worst movies" list

MOster
This movie wasn't so much poor as it was bad.  The CG was terrible.  The writing, brought to you buy the same jackass as the writer of fucking Event Horizon, was abysmally wretched.  (It's my opinion that the screenwriter is related to Michael Eisner, but I don't know that and I can't verify it.) The acting--including a performance which John Malkovich gave from a payphone in Abu Dabi--was garbage.  The production didn't have enough clicks.

Often I joke about being in the conference room at SyFy when they choose to air a movie.  This takes the cake.  I wish I was there when they passed on this movie.

Diary of A Wimpy Kid

Diary of a Wimpy Kid (2010)

Writer: Jackie Filgo, Jeff Filgo, Gabe Sachs, Jeff Judah (all screenplay), Jeff Kinney (book)
Director: Thor Freudenthal
Starring: Zachary Gordon, Robert Capron

Synopsis
a young man begins his journey into middle school and puberty, striving to be popular in a sort of sociopathic way.

The Woman
this was mildly entertaining in a sort of predictable, i once was in middle school a waaaay long time ago way. i can see how this was popular amongst the young generation that is in middle school now. i wouldn't suggest anyone watch it, however, just because you have nothing else to do. unless you are indeed, like, eleven. i'm kind of wondering if middle school is still like that. if so things haven't really changed in the dghdgdjbgnvd years since i was in attendance. it really is a horrible stage in one's life. his best friend was totally awesome. the class weirdo was also way awesome. those are kids i would have liked to hang with...i guess that might show where my social standing was. errrrrrrrrrr.

as a side note i can tell it was a better book and the translation into movie was a little labored.

MOster
You watched this?!

Eat Pray Love

Eat Pray Love (2010)

Writer: Ryan Murphy and Jennifer Salt (screenplay), Elizabeth Gilbert (book)
Director: Ryan Murphy
Starring: Julia Roberts

Synopsis
after her divorce, a woman tries to find her joie de vivre again. she travels abroad for a year in hopes of finding herself all by herself.

The Woman
may jeebus help me, but i liked this movie. it was a nice stray from the usual derived plot path that chick flicks seem to follow. perhaps because it's a dramatization of a real journey? i didn't really appreciate the implication that julia roberts needed to shop for bigger pants because of all that invisible weight gained in italy. did she go from a size 2 to a size 4? there was no belly to be seen there. that was pretty much my only complaint.

i enjoyed the way the plot was divided up into three different sections as well. with only julia roberts as the constant character. the simplicity of the title and the focus of each destination was very clever. if your a chick and you're sentimental and on the third week of your cycle you might want to check this one out with a stereotypical pint of ice cream.

Nothing Like the Holidays

Nothing Like the Holidays (2008)


Writer: Alison Swan, Rick Najera
Director: Alfredo De Villa
Starring: Alfred Molina, the hot neighbor chick from "*batteries not included", John Leguizamo, Freddy Rodriguez, Vanessa Ferlito, and Debra Messing as the white chick wife

Synopsis
a puerto rican family living in chicago get together for the holidays. lots of drama.

The Woman
booooooooring. this was hailed as a comedy, but i saw no such thing. i don't even feel like writing about this one. just look around your table at family events. now picture everyone is puerto rican. there you go. consider this movie watched.