The Eclipse

 The Eclipse (2009)



Not to be confused with a certain popular, teen obsession, vampire drama


Director: Conor McPherson
Writer: Conor McPherson(screenplay) Billy Roche (story)
Starring: Ciaran Hinds, Iben Hjejle, Aiden Quinn
Synopsis
a man, who has recently lost his wife to cancer, drives authors around for some sort of author's retreat. he experiences some paranormal sightings, and befriends an author who has written on the subject.

The Woman
this was good. the way the paranormal stuff was presented was so subtle, it made the hairs on my neck stand up, and i (hate to admit it) actually jumped in one part, then giggled it off. also the way this was directed also helped the paranormal stuff blend seamlessly into a realistic telling. the characters were often filmed as silhouettes, or in shadow, and the staff at this retreat were dressed as turn of the century house staff for some unknown reason. sometimes i wasn't sure what was going on, but not in a bad way. good story. good directing. good acting. aiden quinn plays a real huge asshole really well.

i do want to make clear that this wasn't really a paranormal ghost story. it was a story of a man finding his way after a big loss in his life. the ghosty stuff was really just a side note. the way someone would relay a paranormal experience in real life.

Bottle Shock

Bottle  Shock (2008)
Directed by  Randall Miller
Written by Jody Savin, Randall Miller
Starring Son of Hornell, New York, Captain Kirk-A, Rico from Six Feet Under, That Rickman Dude, Dennis Farina

Synopsis
the story of how napa and sonoma became respected vineyards to the woooorld. on our 200th anniversary as a country to boot. yay for patriotism. america. fuck yeah. hooray for the underdog. we knew you could do it. where's disney when you need them?

MOster
This is a true story.  The story of watching a movie.  It even has title cards.

Until the one-hour mark, my biggest complaint about this thing was that it appeared the executive producer's brother-in-law owns an aerial photography business.  We GOT that they were in a valley, with rolling hills and beautiful grapes.  I was pleased with the acting, direction, and other camera work; and the production elements (especially the music) gelled into a decent period piece.  There were also a few pretty good jokes about British people.

Then.

You know when you go to the science museum and you watch the spiral/funnel thing, and the marble (or quarter, if you're at the carnival) kind of jiggles as it goes along the spiral but at the end its path gets more and more straight, and then it falls into the hole?  The brother-in-law's last quarter went into one of those machines.  Maybe that was the impetus for this entire movie.

The Woman
i was bored by the beginning of this movie. i'm not a wine connoisseur, and i always see prickish pretentious snobbery in it. i didn't like "sideways" either. ooooh, this wine has hints of tangerine, lavender and oak. eh. a big fat raspberry in your face.  so yeah, bored and internally rolling my eyes for the first section of our viewing, then it got too feel good, for feel good movies, and i was rolling my eyes outwardly, and unashamed. there is a line that can be crossed from feel good into diabetic coma. i was there. everything got wrapped up into a pretty little tiffany's box with a white ribbon bow.  yay. not only has our vineyard been saved, but we are a wonderful country. seriously, it was hard to shove down my throat. there was some tamping to keep it in and get me to the many happy ends. i'm vomiting a little in my mouth reliving it for this review. i'm more a fan of.......and then the vineyard was robbed, and everybody was shot in the face, and the caliber of the gun was so great, and at such close range, that the dental records could not be used to identify the bodies so there had to be a mass burial at the vineyard which is now cursed and no grapes will grow on the hillside. and also in rickman's wine shop in paris the building was set ablaze. there were no survivors, but a charred and disfigured dennis farina. the police suspect the french vineyard farmers coalition (that one was moster's). there that made me feel a little better. balance has been restored to the universe.

The Art of the Steal

The Art of the Steal (2009)


Director: Don Argott

Synopsis
the story of the barnes art collection. 30ish billion dollars worth of modern and post- impressionist art, collected for the love and respect of it. stolen by the american aristos for their greediness and dollar signs, in a completely tragic and underhanded way.

The Woman (though i may have to watch this again with moster because it's that good)
i have a healthy disdain for the upper crust and their bullshit, and this just played right into that. the fact that this actually happened is appalling and unfortunately, unsurprising. the way the documentary presents this is an awesome curmudgeon collected all this fabulous art in the 20's and told the museum world to suck it when they caught on to the fact that these were actually masterpieces. and the last 30 years have been spent, in direct violation of his will and trust, legally stealing the art from where it was intended to be forever. i guess it's a good reminder that the man is very hard to beat with his piles of money and political power. he can do whatever he wants with your stuff, especially after you've died.

 i actually had a hard time paying attention towards the end because my mind had been blown by the injustice of it. i kept thinking back to the "herb and dorothy" documentary and how the theme in that was art for the people, and sharing your collection as an homage to art history, but if this guy didn't want the jerks in power to see his collection and only opened his doors to the public every once and awhile that's his prerogative. he collected this work, he gets to decide, even after he's gone the ultimate fate of what happens to it. he doesn't owe the public anything. he could have burnt it if he wanted to. i'm getting outraged again...

essentially, dr. barnes had an ongoing feud with the uptight, nixon loving, owner of the philidelphia inquirer, and unfortunately, was outlived a long shot by this douche. douche wriggled his way, and got exactly what he wanted, exactly the opposite of what douches wishes for his own art collection after his death. douche.

there are some great moments of outrage in this. where i giggled outloud in solidarity with the people fighting the man. things like yelling "philistines!" to the philidelphia elite celebrating their pirated booty, in the middle of a sentence for an interview.

in closing, i just want to say to governor rendell and philidelphia "fuck you, you assholes!" i hope all your shit gets stolen.

Late-to-the-MOster
This was a decent doc.  I'd like to think that I take a slightly different approach to documentaries in that I have little difficulty differentiating the style of the presentation, the quality of the information presented, and the impact of that information. As with much of the "better" media we consume--I'm referring specifically to the Red Riding films at the moment--this just serves to show how fucked up and corrupt the system when you get much past the local level. 

The style itself started out as unbearable but it calmed down nicely.  While the film had a clear point of view on the information it presented, it did give screen time to the opposing viewpoint; and the fact that many people declined to present their opposing view only served to reinforce the validity of the point being made.

There's a third view which wasn't presented at all, and that's because neither party in the debate as shown would agree with it.  That's the notion that ownership is antithetical to art.  I'd like to have seen that discussed at least a little here.

I agree that (as usual) a great injustice was done to someone who went to great length to protect his vision, but I'm not sure if I agree with my esteemed counterpart that we should boycott the resulting travesty.  In fact, I'm not sure that he'd want us to (providing that we could do it without giving the assholes any money, of course).

Extract

Extract (2009) 
Written by Mike Judge 
Directed by Mike Judge 
Starring Jason Bateman, Mila Kunis, J.K. Simmons, Kristen Wiig, Ben Affleck, I said the cameo was Sam Rockwell but I meant Hal Sparks, Gene Simmons, that dude who did the sports in Anchorman


Synopsis
Dude owns a factory which makes extracts of various flavors (e.g. vanilla, root beer?).  At the advice of a stupid bartender, he hires a gigolo to fuck his wife (who is far too reluctant to fuck him) so he can feel good about fucking Mila Kunis, who is a decent con artist and trying to get as much as possible from everybody.

The Womanest Woman of the World
i don't know how i feel about this one. i don't think i would recommend? it wasn't funny enough, or serious enough, or enough of a character study. it's like there was no decision made on what this movie was ultimately gonna be. almost all of the characters were too caricature-y and over the top in a too subtle way. does that make sense? ha. i just read moster's take and we used the exact words. oh well. no, i don't think i would recommend for anyone to see this, and that's unfortunate because i like mike judge.

MOster
Yeah, this was a little weird.  It all made sense, and it all tied together in the (spoiler alert?) predictable ending.  But the plot elements were a little too over the top at a high level for individual characters who seemed to be less caricature then they were intended and this notion carries through to the direction.  I think the problem here stems from the wide gap of time since Judge was last in a cubicle.  Or, maybe it comes from my cynicism about people and they're not quite so ridiculous in the real world.  This would have been more successful if it had gone farther afield.

The acting was all pretty good, actually, with Mila Kunis doing a much better job than she did in Max Payne.  As the one with the most lines by far, Bateman did a fine job; but there were more standouts in the supporters.  The factory workers (who I'm too lazy to look up) were funny, and I'd like to see Affleck staying in roles such as this rather than starring in anything short of Kevin Smith.  David Koechner stole every cringe-inducing scene he graced.  His character and performance were reminiscent of the finest Gervais.  I suppose I should also talk about Gene Simmons, but I don't want to.

Other technical stuff was fine enough.  The one big Rube Goldberg scene came together nicely, and everything else showed craft but not much creativity.

I think I expected more of Mike Judge.  I held Idiocracy in much higher regard than most people and Office Space is a classic in my circle.  But this was nothing better than a solid C with a quizzical look.

City of Ember

City of Ember (2008)


Director: Gil Kenan
Writer: Caroline Thompson (screenplay) Jeanne Duprau (book)
Starring: Harry Treadaway, Saoirse Ronin, Bill Murray, Martin Landau, Tim Robbins has a couple lines


Synopsis
to preserve mankind "the builders" built a city underground with instructions on how to get back above ground after 200 years. the instructions are lost after some time, and the underground city of ember begins to fall apart. blackouts and lack of food and corrupt government and all that. a girl and boy put together what's going on and try to figure out how to get out to save the citizens of ember.

MOster
Yeah, this was alright.  It was a kids' movie, but more tolerable than may of the kids' movies I've seen recently.  The plot was pretty basic, as well it should be; and everything came together probably better than it usually does.

The child actors were probably a little above average as well, and the grownup actors were for the most part having a really good time.  I think that Bill Murray and Tim Robbins could have done a better job at wiping the smiles off of their faces.  Ditto Martin Landau.

Direction and editing were on a similar level to everything else, but where this differentiated itself from other movies with a similar target audience was in the production.  It wasn't particularly schnazzy, but it was much more consistently environmental than what I'm used to seeing.  It was clearly one kid's dream or one person telling a story rather than a series of disparate elements.

So, you could do a lot worse than to expose your children to this movie as it won't drive you insane quite so quickly.  But there's no need to watch it if you don't have kids.


The Woman
 not a bad kids movie. it held my interest. i'm sure the book is better, as they tend to be. i think there were some details left out of the movie. not super important details, just details. i would not mind if my kid watched this over and over. better this than most of the other crud that's out there for kids. good plot. good subplot message. yay for a little creativity.

RocnkRolla

RocknRolla (2008)
Written by Guy Ritchie
Directed by Guy Ritchie
Starring Gerard Butler, Tom Wilkinson, Mark Strong

Synopsis
Big London Gangster contrives to lend money to Small London Crew and then pull the development permit from under their feet to bully them into coming up with a bunch of money.  (Spoiler alert!) they pay him off in the first half hour. 

BLG's ex stepson steals a painting which was lent by a Big Russian Gangster, to whom BLG is selling political influence.  Hijinks ensue. 

SLC gets a tip from BRG's accountant and steals the money.  That's how they pay off their land deal.  Then SLC gets the same tip and does it again.  Hijinks ensue.

Hijinks collide.

The Woman
i wasn't expecting much from this, so....um....i guess i was indifferent with the mediocre plot. i kind of stopped paying attention for the middle 45 minutes or so because the table runner i'm crocheting was more exciting. i'm thinking guy ritchie only knows how to make the same movie, and yet with each remake the quality degrades. like a photocopy of a photocopy of a photocopy. you can't fool me, sir. i've seen this movie before. confusing and convoluted crime story about criminals who owe money. isn't there any other sort of crime you could breakdown and recreate to form a giant hardcore soap opera where everyone is connected to everyone else, and someone is confused about the paternity of their baby? is the crime world that small? or is it that there are cliques in the underbelly? like a highschool? could you make a musical, mr. ritchie? or is that what that one with madonna was? i didn't catch that one. are you secretly the head writer for abcfamily's 'pretty little liars'? hmmmmm.... shoplifting is a crime. tax evasion? speeding? i think a movie about compulsive speeders might be more thrilling of a movie. i haven't seen that one twice before.

seriously, this was exactly the same movie as those other two you've made. please stop.

MOster
I remember with great clarity the first time I saw, "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels."  I can't tell you the last time I saw it--it must've been more than five years ago--but it really left me with something.  This was at the height of a period of Tarantino-influenced cinema, but Ritchie stood out from the herd by taking the new conventions and turning them on their ear.  The double- and triple-crosses weren't innovative in themselves, but the way they were presented and the ease with which the characters came to them seemed a natural evolutionary step.

In the intervening years, Tarantino has gone on to opi across diverse genres and expanded his style to each.  Say what you will about his product, but it hasn't stagnated.  One can't expect many people to parallel such a rise, but I'd like to see some sort of movement or growth from someone who left my mouth watering.  When I saw, "Snatch," I saw a shadow of "Lock Stock"; and when I saw this in the house I didn't realize it was Guy Ritchie until I saw his name in the credits.

The "maturity" of this film comes from colossally bad choices.  The removal of the explicit violence dims the brightest points in Ritchie's earlier work while the joy of seeing characters as cows spiraling past Helen Hunt on their way down to the eye of a tornado is diluted to, "Oh, that guy.  I know that guy."  But everything else is exactly Ritchie's deal, from the rough music to the jumpy camera to the seedy locales.  The differences are just big enough to have required human interaction with the computer, and that's the most disappointing part of all.

The Rocker

The Rocker (2008)


Director: Peter Cattaneo
Writer: Maya Forbes, Wallace Wolodarsky, Ryan Jaffe
Starring: Rainn Wilson, Teddy Geiger, Josh Gad, Emma Stone

Synopsis
drummer of a hair band gets dropped as the band gets signed. he vows revenge. twenty years later they're berjiliionaires, he works for a shelving company? he gets fired, dumped, and moves in with his sister and her family. son is in a band who needs a drummer. coincidence? they play prom. they get picked up to do a tour. he is a rock guru, and cheerleader.

MOster
I really don't have a lot to say about this movie, at least in essay form. Leila missed one important thing in the synopsis: There's the whole "naked drummer" thing in which these poor kids, rehearsing over some sort of super-phenomenal video conference thing, become a YouTube sensation because the Wilson character is naked.  That wasn't funny.  Pans across leotarded mens' crotches aren't funny.  Anachronistic cell phones used to be funny.  Extremely sweaty dudes are not funny.

The most fun we had in watching this was Leila laughing at me for logging our laughs.  I used a scale which is relative only to this movie, where a 1.0 represents approximately 10 seconds of laughter.  In seven individual incidents, Leila's total reached 4.95.  In 13 individual, charitably-assigned incidents, my total score was 0.676 (yes, I got to the thousandths place).  In other words, this was not funny.

This movie hit exactly every beat.  After about the 20th minute you'll have seen all the constants and all the variables.  It doesn't take a genius to work out the entire rest of the 100.


The Woman
um despite the three names in the "written" category of this bloggy thang, i truly believe this came out of the plot-o-tron 9000. some hollywood executive fed the plot-o-tron little details like 'rock band', and 'has been', and 'comedy' and the plot-o-tron came out with this most unoriginal movie that's been done a quadrillion times over. i mean, there was not one thing in this movie that hadn't been done before. i told moster when we had finished watching it in it's entirety that it was a movie that could have never been made. if we're friends and you liked this movie, i may have to question our friendship, or maybe just your IQ. it made it to our queue because i hold out hope for rainn wilson. he was just so incredibly awesome in 'six feet under'...we don't watch the office.